Friday, August 10, 2012

Imagine

Imagine for a second that you're riding home with me from work - back roads with minimal traffic, music blaring - namely Pontoon for the 1857453rd time, kids singing along in the back seat, us secretly watching them in the mirrors...

... sounds like lots of fun, huh?!  Well, typically it is.  Unless of course they ask to listen to Pontoon again.  I start to get a little aggravated after the 1857454th time.

Now, imagine our seemingly fun and interesting ride home turning into being behind one of these -

You, being my passenger, continue singing along and keep catching glances of two beautiful little girls laughing and singing in the back seat.  Seeing an ambulance probably wouldn't change a thing about your ride home.

Now, I want you to imagine that you're in my shoes for a little bit.

Imagine being behind an ambulance for over half of your hour drive home AFTER you've buried your child.

Imagine being behind an ambulance for over half of your hour drive home AFTER knowing your child took his last breaths behind those very doors that you find yourself staring at.

Imagine being so consumed by anxiety that you almost have to pull off the road just to catch your breath.

Imagine the relief you feel when the ambulance finally turns left and you're going right.  In that very instant, you realize that you really had been holding your breath that whole time.

All because an ambulance - who wasn't rushing to an emergency or transporting anybody anywhere - got in front of you.

This is just one of the millions of feelings I have to live through each and every single day.  Something as simple as an ambulance knocked the breath out of me.

You don't even want to know what an ambulance rushing to an emergency does to me...

9 comments:

Kasey said...

:-( so sad to hear this, but I hope that one day, in the future...sometime, that feeling begins to ease. I know if I had experienced what you have I probably wouldn't even be able to look at an ambulance, so your strength is admirable and I pray that your heartache will ease up as each day goes by. Stay strong

Kelly said...

So.Much.Yes.

It was all lights and sirens at 1:00 in the morning the night Adam was taken away. I jump about 50 feet every time I hear sirens, especially at night. I hate ambulances for what they mean to our family. I was behind one once that said, "Learn CPR, it could save a life," and I wanted to scream, "CPR did nothing for my son!" I was so relieved to get away from that ambulance. It was like a slap in the face, and all I kept thinking was why couldn't it save Adam.

I understand 150 percent! Huge giant hugs.

Ashley said...

Yep- slap in the face is exactly what it is Kelly!!! Big hugs to you too Mama.

Ashley said...

That had to be so hard. I know that for a long time to just hear an ambulance I would start to panic. Totally PTSD! ((hugs))

Lisa Sissons said...

Thanks for popping by my blog and thinking of us hun.

Although Finley didn't pass away in the ambulance, he was rushed to the NICU in one, which meant it was the ambulance that took him away from me, never to see him alive again. My heart often skips a beat when I see one with the lights and sirens on, wondering who's life is going through some great change.

It is so sad, and it isn't right. I'm sending you so many hugs.

Lisa
http://dear-finley.blogspot.com

Kelly L Boots said...

I cannot even begin to imagine what that must be like for anyone who has lost a child. My heart aches for you and all the Mother's who know what that feels like. I grew up seeing my Mom have to deal with things like that. Even just the other day someone asked her how many kids she has. I could tell she hesitated for a minute, a little caught off guard. I think after 32 years she still doesn't quite know how to answer that question.

Ashley said...

It's such a hard question Kelly. If we answer truthfully, it becomes extremely awkward. If we lie, the guilt almost eats us alive.

Teela said...

I love you. I can only imagine how difficult the ambulances are....and the questions about how many children you have? Ugh. My heart would break each time I was asked. As Jackson and Aiden reach Erik's age, I can't get you guys off my mind. I've been praying for you every night.

Teela said...

I love you. I can only imagine how difficult the ambulances are....and the questions about how many children you have? Ugh. My heart would break each time I was asked. As Jackson and Aiden reach Erik's age, I can't get you guys off my mind. I've been praying for you every night.