Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Untitled

Sometimes you have to take it on blind faith that your heart is healing. It may not feel like the pain is going away. You might still cry just as hard as ever. But strength, confidence, and wisdom grow invisibly and you must trust that it is there. ~ Stephanie St. Claire



Wordless Wednesday







8/31/04

Tomorrow, my first born child will be 7 years old.  Or at least to me he will.  He's actually forever 5 in the arms of our God...

I can't believe that it's been 7 years since I entered Mommyhood.  It seems like it was forever ago!!!  I can remember being at work on 8/31/04 and looking at the calendar and saying it was only 5 more days until my due date.  I was "due" 9/4/04.  I guess Erik couldn't wait any longer to meet his Mommy and Daddy and decided to start his grand appearance a few days prior.  I worked all day just like usual and decided that since the day was quickly approaching that we (Me and Kyle) should probably hit up Walmart and stock our house since I wouldn't be grocery shopping for a long time once Erik got here.  I guess walking around Walmart for over 2 hours put my body in motion to start having my sweet boy.  It was 20 minutes after we got home that I started contracting.  They were erratic and nothing to be timed, but they were noticeable.  I don't even think I said anything to Kyle about them.  Maybe I did.  That detail slips my mind.

I just know that at 9:27 tonight, it will have been 7 years since I went into labor with my first born child.  My only son.  And now the Angel that watches over me every single day.

Damn.  I miss him more than any words can ever describe.



Tuesday, August 30, 2011

2 days

There are 2 days left before Erik's birthday.  I feel like I should write something, but what I should write - I'm not sure on that yet.  I anticipated that the days leading up to his birthday would be hard.  Surprisingly, they have been ok.  I've been pretty busy at work, so that's helped.  I don't know, I guess I feel a certain calm this year that wasn't there this time last year.  I miss Erik like crazy.  But I'm coming to accept the fact that he's gone and never coming back.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still pissed off as all hell, but I'm working on that.

For his birthday Thursday, Kyle and I are gonna go to his grave and place his new flowers and let the sky lanterns go.  Hopefully these 7 take off better than the test one we tried a couple of weeks ago.  It had the potential to be bad.  Very bad.  As it setting the trees behind our house on fire bad!!!  Not a good idea to light a "balloon" on fire and let it go towards lots and lots of pine trees!  Thankfully, Kyle came to the rescue and we put the fire out before it got ugly.

On Saturday, I've invited family and my closest friends over to hangout and celebrate Erik.  I know that it's going to be bittersweet, but I felt I needed to do something to continue celebrating his life.  I've also invited those same guests to church on Sunday to worship with us in honor of Erik.  Erik loved church and I want family there with us.  2 very special ladies are going to be singing a song for Erik and I can't wait to hear it.  They've told me that they haven't been able to practice singing the whole song without crying, so we'll see what they can do come Sunday.  They are the same ladies that sang "Jesus Loves Me" at Erik's funeral and when I heard the song, I immediately thought of them singing it.

I know that I'll be a blubbering mess, but it's ok.  I miss my boy, it's his birthday, and I'm GOING to cry.  



Thursday, August 25, 2011

1 week

I sometimes think the anticipation leading up to a special day is way more nerve wracking than the actual day. Either way, today marks one week until what would've been Erik's 7th birthday. My mind is going a mile a minute because like I've said before, I love to plan stuff. Planning birthday parties is fun for me. Not being able to have a birthday with Erik is about to kill me. I have planned a little get together to remember Erik, but it's not at all what I wanted to do 6 months ago. Those plans didn't seem right and I'm sure I'll regret not doing it after the day comes, but right now, I'm good with what I've planned.

I can't believe that this is the 2nd birthday without my sweet boy. It feels like I'm getting further and further away from him, but I know in reality that we're actually getting closer and closer to meet ing again. I can't wait for that day!

Please keep me in your prayers these next 7 days. I need them more than ever!









Monday, August 22, 2011

Struggling

It's no secret that I've been having a really hard time lately - or maybe it is.  I know it's not for me.  Between turning another year older, kids Erik's age returning to school, Erik's birthday, Erik's angelversary, Thanksgiving and then Christmas coming up - I'm pretty much hating life right about now.

Along with this really hard time I'm having, I have zero patience for ANYTHING.  My girls annoy me beyond anything ALL the time and here lately, I feel like all I do is fuss.  Kaitlyn is in the talking back stage and Sienna is in the "all I wanna do is watch tv stage" and she won't do anything else.  Period.  She'll take a bite of food and get down to see what's on tv.  She wakes up asking to watch tv.  I pick her up from school and she's asking to watch tv when we get home.  I have no problem with her watching tv.  I love tv myself, but when I've told her a million and three times to pick her toys up or get her clothes off so she can take a bath or stop watching tv and eat - it has gotten pretty old.  Yes, we've turned the tv off and hid the remote.  Unfortunately, she knows how to turn it back on.  It's gotten to the point of her pitching a royal fit when she can't watch tv.  I'm at my wit's end with it.  I've had enough and if you're in our house at any given time, you can tell I'm run out of patience!

Kaitlyn is literally a pain in my ass.  She back talks.  She throws things.  She has full on tantrums when she doesn't get her way.  She aggravates Sienna to the point of Sienna fighting back.  She's rude.  She's loud and she's a brat.  She doesn't like to be woken up in the morning for school and doesn't like going to bed at night.  I fuss at her from the time she's awake until she finally goes to sleep.  It's gotten old.  Well, actually it's been old for a few months now, but I've tried to handle it because I feel awful fussing at my kids when I beg for the one child I miss more than anything to be given back to me.

What kind of selfish bitch am I to beg my living children to be quiet for 10 minutes so I can think when I would give anything to hear Erik's voice again.  What kind of parent am I for spanking my living children when I would do anything to take Erik's spankings back.  What kind of Mom am I that locks the bathroom door so I can take a shower in peace when I'd give anything to have chaos that comes with 3 children back.  What kind of parent am I?  I'm a normal grieving mother is what I am!!

Most people seem to understand this.  The one person who should understand more than anyone else doesn't give a damn that I've had a rough day and need a moment of peace.  He doesn't give a damn that I've fussed all day.  He doesn't give a damn that all I want to do is fall into a deep, deep sleep and sleep the rest of my life away.  He doesn't care that I want more than anything for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that it's ok.  He just flat out doesn't care.  Sure he pretends to care when people are around.  He loves for people to think that he's this great husband who is so in love with his wife.  When in reality the only thing he's in love with is alcohol.  He thinks that since he works hard, he deserves to wind down with a few (too many) beers after work.  He thinks that since he provides for us that he can treat me anyway that he wants to.  He thinks that since he cooks supper when he gets home from work that he can make fun of me and the cooking that I don't do while he's around other people.  He belittles me.  He disrespects me.  He does not love me - no matter what actions he displays in public.

He played golf all afternoon yesterday and had the nerve to tell me that I needed to lighten up and stop fussing at the girls so much.  Hmm, easy for him to say considering that he's spent about 1/4 of the time with them that I have in the last 2 months.  He even had the nerve to tell me that since I was so tired of fussing all the time that maybe I didn't deserve to have children.  Yep, he said that.  Although he probably won't remember because he was so hammered that nothing mattered when he got home from the golf course.

I'm sick of everything at this point.  I wanted so bad to get up from the kitchen table while I was being degraded and just leave and never look back.  I promised my child before I laid him in the ground that I would do whatever it took to make it work with his dad.  I've given everything that I can and I just can't do it anymore.  He has pushed me to the point of no return.  He couldn't redeem himself now if he tried.  There is so much hurt and pain and resentment in my heart because of the last 8 years....

Question is - where do I go from here......





Thursday, August 18, 2011

Untitled

"If you lost your keys, you'd be upset.
Your car, you'd be stranded.
Your job, you'd be frightened.
Your home, you'd be heartbroken.
All of these can be remedied.
The loss of a child is forever."

I saw this quote on FB today and I absolutely LOVE it.  There are times I'd love to shove these words down someone's throat when they complain about nothing, but I just sit back like always and bite my tongue.

But for those people.... DO NOT COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT STUFF YOU'VE LOST!!!! Everything you've lost is replaceable!!!  Erik is NOT!!!!





103?

I was just looking at my blogger homepage and realized that this will be my 103rd post!  Wow!  I can't believe I've had that much to write about.  Well, I can, but not really.

Today my sweet niece, Alyssa, is celebrating her 2nd birthday.  I can't believe that's she's already 2 years old!  Seems like it was just yesterday that I was taking pictures of her sweet newborn face - which was almost identical to her older brother!  She brings such joy to my life and I am so grateful that she loves me as much as I love her!  I can't wait to see her tonight and get me some 2 year old lovin!

Happy birthday Alyssa!  Aunt Ashley loves you to the moon and back!!!



Alyssa - just minutes old
Me and Alyssa at my bday party





Monday, August 15, 2011

So much for those plans

Those that know me, know that I am a BIG planner. I love to have things planned out and planning gives me an opportunity to get my mind off of things it shouldn't be on.

Well, Erik's 7th birthday is coming up in a matter of weeks - 2 to be exact. 6 months ago (if not longer) I had his whole celebration planned out. We were going to do 7 of his favorite things - some of which were playing baseball, swimming, going to church, eating lunch at the drug store, playing with sidewalk chalk, eating his favorite meal and I was stuck on what number 7 should be. Anyway, now that I'm doing invites for the celebration, none of these ideas sound good enough. Honestly, I'm not feeling the whole getting together thing with people period. I think I'd like to crawl in a hole somewhere until about January, 2012, but I know that wouldn't do me any good. Nor would it take all my pain away.

So now I'm back to the beginning and trying to figure out what would best honor my soon to be 7 year old angel. If only he were here, I wouldn't have to plan so hard because he'd know exactly what kind of birthday he'd want!

Today marks 21 long months without seeing his sweet face. I never in a million years thought I would see another day after losing Erik, but somehow, I've managed to see another 638 days.




Sunday, August 14, 2011

1st & 21st

Tomorrow is the 1st day of school for Ware Shoals.

Tomorrow, Erik should be starting 2nd grade.

Tomorrow is 21 months since I last seen my sweet boy alive.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna need every ounce of strength I can muster just to get out of bed.

God, please help me.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Wordless Wednesday







Birthday

Today is my 31st birthday. I'm one who usually looks forward to birthday's because turning another year older - even if it is 31 - is a milestone to celebrate.

I woke up to tons and tons of FB messages and I was thrilled to read them all. The girls gave me lots of birthday love and wanted to know when my party was. LOL I told them when you get my age, you don't really have birthday parties. Well, unless you plan one for yourself, which I've done... I can't wait for that btw, but it's not until the 13th. I told Kaitlyn that I wanted her to sing Happy Birthday to me and she said it would have to wait until my birthday party :( We'll see if that actually happens!

Anyway. I was fine with today up until I dropped the girls off at school and was alone in the car with my thoughts. I immediately thought of my sweet baby boy and how I would do ANYTHING to have him here to celebrate another birthday with. Turning another year older is NOT fair, especially when Erik will never have another earthly birthday. It was then that I broke down and screamed at God and demanded to know "Why?".

Why am I allowed to turn another year older and my innocent 5 year old can't. He didn't deserve to die. I've done so much wrong in my life that I deserve to never have another birthday.

UGH!



Monday, August 1, 2011

1 year, 8 months, 17 days

That's how long it's been since my sweet boy left this earth. I have missed him every single day that he's been gone.

Since August is here, all I'm hearing about is parents shopping for school supplies or new school clothes & shoes. I would give ANYTHING to be able to buy my sweet boy school supplies and new clothes. He's supposed to be in the 2nd grade this year. I took Kaitlyn & Sienna to the mall the other day and I couldn't help but want to get out of there as fast as I could. The stores were FULL of people and their kids preparing for the new school year. I told the girls that I sure wish I was taking their Bubbie shopping. Kaitlyn looked at me with her big blue eyes and said "me too, Mama". I don't think she had a clue what she was talking about, but she knew that I was hurting.

These last few months of the year are definitely the hardest for me. Erik's birthday and then his Angelversary and then Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can feel my heart breaking all over again and I'm at the point where all I wanna do is crawl into a whole and wish the rest of the year away.



Busy days ahead!

Today marks the first day of August.

I'll be another year older on Wednesday.

Scrapbooking is this Saturday.

My "Minute to Win It" Birthday party is on August 13.

My sweet boy would've been another year older in exactly a month. His 7th birthday is September 1st.

I've got big plans for his celebration and I'm actually looking forward to his birthday this year. That will probably change the closer it gets, but right now - I'm not dreading the day like I did last year.

I know what I have planned so far for him is going to be perfect - just like him. I can't wait to share my plans with everyone....

32 days and counting!



Scrapbooking

Wow! I can't believe that it's already August!!! Where has this year gone? It seems like I was just putting my Christmas tree up and telling Santa what to bring the girls. The last 8 months have flown by that's for sure!

Last Wednesday, a reporter from The Index Journal came and interviewed me regarding a scrapbooking event that a dear friend, along with myself are putting together. Up until that interview, I wasn't really feeling the idea of this event. I knew that I wanted to scrapbook - because I love doing it - but I wasn't fond of being behind putting everything together. And then Erin (the reporter) left. That's when it hit me that I'm doing this event for Erik. I'm doing this because I want other bereaved parents to know that they are not alone. They are not alone in their crazy thoughts or their anger or their hurt. I know what they're going through. If one person benefits from Saturday's scrapbooking event, then it was all worth it! Anyway - the article ran in the paper on Saturday and I am in awe at how many people have made comments to me or Kyle about it. They think it's awesome that Sharon and I are honoring our boys this way and I couldn't have been more proud to have done the interview. I just hope that we have a good turn out come Saturday. (PS - If you want more info or would like to attend, email me ashley.hiteandstone@gmail.com!)

I've been putting scrapbook pages together like mad so that I'll have something to show those that show up. I think I worked on pages for about 6 hours yesterday! Scrapbooking is definitely one of those things that you can get lost in! I had a few breakdowns looking through the many pictures I have of Erik. It absolutely breaks my heart that I'll never take another picture of him. Once I complete his scrapbook, I'll never be able to start on another one.

When I'm working on Erik's book, I have SO many thoughts racing through my head - crazy stuff! I question whether I should label his pictures in the past tense or if I should label them like he's still here. I feel like I should use every single picture I've ever taken of him - whether it's a good picture or not. I feel guilty for putting pictures to the side, but I know it's not realistic to want to use every picture I've ever taken of him. Trust me - that's a LOT of pictures!!!!

Anyway - I plan to get lost in his pictures again today after work. I can't wait to show off my work come Saturday!