Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Day 30

Today, I am thankful that I have been able to come up with 30 days of things that I am thankful for.

I'm so proud that I'm still able to see things to be thankful for after the last year.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Day 29

Today I am thankful for the radio - it makes the terribly silent times a little more bearable.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Day 28

Today I am thankful that Kyle and I are able to give our kids a wonderful Christmas.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Day 27

Today I am thankful that we are almost done Christmas shopping. Never in my entire life have I been done before December. It's a GREAT feeling!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Day 26

Today I am thankful to be spending the day with my favorite little girls.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Day 25

Today, I am thankful for the 1,904 days that I had with Erik. He was and will ALWAYS be my hero. He literally saved my life and made me who I am today. I owe MY life to him.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 24

Today I am thankful for benedryl. I slept better last night than I've slept in a very LONG time!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thanksgiving

I'm finding it very hard to believe that Thanksgiving is just 2 days away. Where has 2010 gone??? Before we know it, Santa will be coming and we'll be welcoming 2011.

This past year has been one of the hardest that I've ever had to endure, but I'm very proud to say that as it comes to an end, I've came out of it with my head always held high! There have been some tough moments that have gotten me down, but I've tried very hard not to let Erik's death be the death of me. I've got 2 beautiful girls to live for. I've got 2 beautiful nieces that I love to pieces. I've got 3 nephews that I love to pieces as well. Not to mention the other members of my family and ALL of my wonderful friends.

There hasn't been a day this past year that I haven't shed a tear for Erik. He is always on my mind and always will be. I know that he watches down on me, Kyle, Kaitlyn and Sienna and I can feel him everywhere I go. I'm so thankful for all the wonderful memories that we had in such a short amount of time.

I've been posting every single day about something I'm thankful for. Some days have been off the wall stuff and other days have been things that I feel I honestly couldn't live without. I try my best to find something good in every single day - whether it be, the girls getting up and getting dressed without a fight, a busy day at work, a certain song coming on the radio when I need to hear it the most, or walking in the door after work to a great supper cooked by Kyle.

Anyway, the point of this post is to let everyone know that no matter how bad you think your life might be, you ALWAYS have something to be thankful for!!

Day 23

Today I am thankful for pop tarts - without them, my belly would growl until lunch time ;)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Day 22

Today I am thankful that I didn't get any crazy looks because I've chopped all of my hair off :)

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Day 20 and 21

The weekends are killing me! I forget that the computer even exists!

Yesterday I was thankful for having a husband who likes to shop almost as much as I do.

Today, I am thankful for my grandparents. They are wonderful!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Day 19

Today I am thankful for the beautiful weather that we've been having lately.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Day 18

Today I am thankful for Starbursts. Well, the red ones anyway!!!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Day 17

Today I am thankful that I work for a man that understands I am a mother and have children that come before anything else in the world.


Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Day 16

Today I am thankful for Aleve. Being sick sucks, but aleve has made me semi-functional.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Day 14 and 15

Yesterday, I was thankful for spontaneity.

Today, I am thankful that the weather was dreary. Sun and warmth just wouldn't have felt right.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day 13

Today, I am thankful for my mom.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Day 12

Today I am thankful for all those times that I shoved a camera in Erik's face. That's all I have left of him now and I don't know what I'd do without the thousands and thousands of pictures that I took of him.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Day 11

Today I am thankful because my girls didn't cry when I dropped them off at school.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

361...

.... that's the number of days since I last seen my sweet boy alive. It hurts worse today than it did then. My heart aches for the moment that I see his beautiful brown eyes again. My heart aches to have his sweet little arms around me again. But most of all, my heart aches to just SEE him again. I can feel his presence everywhere that I go. That's not good enough. His smile, the sparkle in his eyes and that little dimple on his cheek are what I long to see again. I long for the day that he tells me he loves me again. I sure do miss that sweet voice telling me those 3 sweet words.


Day 10

Today, I am thankful for my wonderful friends and sisters.

Jennifer, April, Kelley, Janice, Shannon, Chrissy, Heather, Lindsay, Angie, Jessica, Tara, Rachel - I love each and every one of y'all and I am so blessed to have each of you in my life. Thank you for being there for me during my darkest hour and helping me get through it!

Teela, Sienna, Lisa, Amy, Kelly, Bekie, Kate, Karen, Lindsey, LeAnne, Kristin, Terin, Melissa - you girls are awesome!!!! I have made wonderful friendships with each of you through MySpace and Facebook and I am so grateful that I have gotten to know you girls and so thankful that y'all have also been there for me during my darkest hours. I never knew that girls I've never met face to face could be so wonderful to me and my girls. I love each of y'all too.

Thank you!




Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I wonder...

With Erik's angelversary quickly approaching, I've been thinking about all the what if's, what could've been's and all that stuff that I shouldn't dwell on. Well, I have been dwelling on it and I can't stop wondering where we would be today if Erik were still alive.

I wonder if he'd know how to tie his shoes by now...

I wonder how many teeth he would've lost...

I wonder how well he'd be able to read...

I wonder what kind of awards he would be getting at school...

I wonder how much better he would be at playing ball...

I wonder if he'd still be wearing boots every day of the week...

I wonder if I'd still be in school had he not died...

I wonder would Kyle and I have ever gotten back together had Erik not died...

I wonder who his new friends would be...

I wonder what he would be wanting for Christmas this year...

I wonder if he'd still like watching Diego...

I wonder if he'd still be a Clemson fan considering the AWFUL year that they're having...

I wonder what his voice would sound like...

I wonder if pork chops, mac & cheese and corn would still be his favorite meal...

I wonder if he would like where we're living now...

I wonder if we'd even be living there had Erik not died...

I wonder what size clothes and shoes he'd be in now...

I wonder if he would still wanna be a bull rider...

I wonder if any of those trees in my mom's front yard would still be standing...

I wonder what kind of trouble that Erik, Jake and Chase would be getting in to...

I wonder if his eyes still shine as bright as they did the last time I seen them...

I wonder if we'd still fight every morning over what he was or wasn't going to wear to school...

There are plenty more things that I think about. I kind of have to considering all my nephews are around Erik's age and some of my best friends have boys that went to school with Erik. I watch them when they're around and can't help but wonder what Erik would be like.

I know that I'll never know the answer to my wondering thoughts, but one thing is for sure - not a single day goes by that I don't think about Erik, shed a tear for him and beg that all of this is just a big nightmare.

Day 9

Today I am thankful for Facebook. Yeah, it's cheesy, but it's allowed me to make a ton of new friends and people that are genuinely concerned about me and my life.

The friends I've made on Facebook have helped me get through the hardest year of my life just by lending a cyber ear and by letting me know that I'm in their thoughts and prayers.

So, thank you Facebook and all the great friends that I've made because of you!

Monday, November 8, 2010

The Past

I hate living in the past. I hate it with a passion.

Then my son died....

The past is all I have with him. There is no present. There is no future. I can't simply forget about the past because that would mean leaving him behind. I NEVER want to forget about him. I am constantly looking at his pictures and remembering when and where they were taken. I love watching videos of him so that I can hear his country twang.

He had the cutest "accent" I've ever heard. I can remember one time when he was making Kyle a card for something - father's day or his bday - and he came in the living room where I was and asked me how to spell "Daddy". Well, at the time, he was learning how to sound words out and spell them, so I told him to sound it out and spell it the way it sounded. Leave it to my little country boy to sound "Daddy" out and come up with "D-E-D-D-Y". He did exactly what I asked him to do and because he was so country, he spelled it exactly the way he said it. That boy could always make me smile!

Me and the girls were watching videos of Erik last night and they just giggled and giggled and kept asking to watch another video. They love talking about their brother and they love me telling them stories about him. As they are getting older, I can see Erik in them more and more each day. Sienna has his little fishy kissy lips. She also has his shy personality. She always blooms into a real clown once she gets to know you. She is passive like he was and is never one to argue about anything. That's why all the cousins love playing with her and I guess that's why Kaitlyn has been taking advantage of her and being mean to her lately :( Kaitlyn has his loving personality (when she's not ganging up on Sienna bug). She loves to cuddle and give kisses. She has his imagination and his independent side. I think both of them have his temper!!! Sienna doesn't act out much, but when she does, you better watch out!! Kaitlyn on the other hand is a fireball ALL the time! That's exactly the way Erik was. Me and him clashed a lot, but for the most part, he was a great kid!

A week from today will be one year since I last seen my baby boy alive. This has been the roughest year of my life. I've suffered more in this last year than any mother should ever have to suffer. I've held my emotions in because "outsiders" don't know how to handle a grieving mother. "Outsiders" won't even talk about my boy. "Outsiders" like to pretend that nothing ever happened. Well, something did happen. I lost my first born child. I lost my sweet boy who was only 5 years, 2 months and 15 days old. I lost part of my heart. I lost part of my soul. And for those "outsiders", I am going to continue talking about my boy. If that makes you uncomfortable, tough. Do you think it's comfortable for me when I have to tell someone that yeah, I have 3 kids, but one of them lives in heaven now. TRY THAT ON FOR COMFORT!!!!!!!

I am fed up with hiding my hurt. I am HURTING!!!! My heart is broken and there isn't a damn thing in this world that can make it better.

As far as my past, present and future - I plan to continue moving forward, but most of me was lost in the past.


Day 8

Today I am thankful for heated seats!!! Nothing like a warm tush on a freezing cold morning :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Day 7

Today I am thankful that I have a wonderful church family.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Day 5 AND 6... oops

I'm having to combine 2 days into 1 - kinda hard to get online when you've got 2 sick babies who are demanding my attention.

Anyway...

Yesterday (Day 5) I was thankful for 3 day weekends.

Today, I am thankful for quiet time!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 4

Today, I am thankful that I have such a wonderful daycare provider for my girls. If I could've hand picked anybody, I am quite sure I would've chosen her. She is wonderful to my girls and would do anything for them. Her husband is quite crazy about them too.

Thank you Mrs. Deborah for loving my girls like a second mother!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Day 3

Today, I am thankful for my husband.

We have had our share of ups and downs, but after the past year, we've become closer than we've ever been. And I'm grateful that our marriage is where it's at today.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Day 2

I got this idea from several friends on Facebook - I'm going to post every day in the month of November something that I'm thankful for. And since I missed yesterday, I'll do 2 things today!


Today, I am thankful that I have (1) Kaitlyn and (2) Sienna as my daughters. Even through all the rough nights and mornings, I love every single second with them. They are my shining stars during some of my darkest storms. They are the reason I get out of bed every single day. They are what keeps me going when I feel like I have no more "go" left. They are my constant reminder of the Erik. They each act like him in some sort of way and I love that they do.



What are you thankful for today?