Thursday, September 29, 2011
I felt my heart start racing. She asked if my girls had their own personality and of course I explained all about both of them. My palms started getting sweaty. She pointed out some other things on the u/s and then she asked the dreaded question "how's your son handling his role as the big brother?"
Gulp..... the tears started flowing and had to explain that he had passed away in November of 2009. I don't know why I couldn't handle that question today, but I couldn't. I continued to be teary - eyed through the rest of the u/s. She hugged me as I was leaving and I cried some more.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
Thankfully it took the doctor FOREVER to come in, so I had gotten over being emotionally sad about Erik and was fuming that I had been in the office for over 2 hours and was just seeing the doctor.
Isn't it funny (not really) how one simple little question that should be so very easy to answer can put me straight over the edge..... tis the life of a mother who has lost her child.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Monday, September 26, 2011
A. Age: 31
B. Bed size: King!! And could never imagine going back to anything smaller!!
C. Chore that you hate: All of them basically!!! LOL But I really hate bathroom cleaning.
D. Dogs: A mutt named Annie :)
E. Essential start to your day: does going to the bathroom count?!
F. Favorite color: Orange
G. Gold or Silver: Silver!
H. Height: 6'1"
I. Instruments you play: None
J. Job title: Legal Assistant
K. Kids: a son and twin daughters
L. Live: South Carolina
M. Mother’s name: Ann
N. Nicknames: Boo - Boo (thanks to my brother when we were little); Sashley (from my 2 year old niece that can't say Ashley), Mama, Mommy
O. Overnight hospital stays: Oh my - lots. I stayed in the hospital quite a bit when I was pregnant with the girls
P. Pet peeves: Procrastination and Lying!!!!!!!!
Q. Quote from a movie: LMAO "It's Friday. You ain't got no job. You ain't got shit to do."
R. Right or left handed: Right handed
S. Siblings: Kelley, Jennifer and Jeremy
U. Underwear: I go for comfort!!
V. Vegetable you hate: Um, I've pretty much ate the same ones my entire life and I like those. If it doesn't look good, I'm not eating it!!
W. What makes you run late: Snooze button!
X. X-Rays you’ve had: knees, wrists, tailbone, chest
Y. Yummy food that you make: Lasagna - made it this weekend and it was A.ma.zing!!!!!
Z. Zoo animal: monkey
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Anyway - Peyton just celebrated her 3rd birthday in heaven. The blog today was titled "Tucked Away in some Corner". She was referring to the box of stuff that grieving parents are left with when their child passes away. I can relate to her in SO many ways, as I too, have a "box". I actually have 2 boxes of stuff that I've kept since Erik passed away. I have a big chest at the end of our bed that contains all of his clothes that I REFUSE to get rid of, along with other things that he loved and at this point in time have no special place in our house. I've just put everything related to Erik into this chest. I have another box (drawer really) that contains all the stuff that the hospital gave us after Erik died - a handprint in a cast, bereaved parents booklets, locks of his hair, the clothes that were cut off of him when he was brought into the ER - and also the tons and tons of cards we received, as well as all the information from the funeral home.
There are parts of me that feels awful for having his belongings tucked away where nobody can see them, but the biggest part of me breaks into a million pieces every time any of these things are brought into the open. It makes his death that much more real. I mean, I have a tiny ziploc baggie with the hair off of my dead son's head. His beautiful hair that will NEVER be cut again. Yep, that makes it pretty real.
Some days I think that each bereaved parent grieves so differently, but then days like today where I read another blog and feel like I'm reading about myself hit me. Yeah, this group that I'm in - we're all very different, but in the end, we're all just a bunch of parents who have buried their children. We miss our babies like crazy and all of us would do ANYTHING to have them back.
- If I were to get pregnant again I would be pleasantly surprised and do EVERYTHING different.
- If I could have any job in the world I'd be a professional organizer and/or event planner.
- If I had a day to myself I would probably switch between scrapbooking and sleep.
- If I could get married all over again I would have the big wedding that most girls dream about. There was nothing romantic about our decision to "just go to the Courthouse" on a random Wednesday afternoon.
- If I could live anywhere in the US I would probably move to the mountains. Hubby and I have always talked about Johnson City, TN. Why? IDK.
- If Kaitlyn & Sienna would have been boys, they would've been named Sadler and Cruz.
- If I could have any talent in the world I would like to be more creative and artistic.
- If you met me in real life you'd be shocked at my height.
- If I could go back to school I'd be more determined to actually finish.
- If money were not an object I'd be debt free.
- If I could meet one celebrity I think I would want to meet Mike Rowe.
- If I could only shop at one store for the rest of my life it'd probably be Target.
- If we get another pet my hubby would probably kick me and all the pets out!
- If I could go on a trip, RIGHT NOW, I'd want to go to Australia.
- If I had to chose between a house cleaner and a personal chef, I'd pick the house cleaner. Hubby already cooks 90% of our meals :)
- If I had the option of plastic surgery I'd get lypo and a tummy tuck - carrying twins is ROUGH on a body!!!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
(I'm pretty sure she reads my new blogs, so if you're reading this one now, please don't feel bad for bringing my tears out!! I appreciate your sweet comment more than you'll ever know!)
Anyway. Today, September 15, 2011, marks 22 months without Erik. 670 days ago I woke up not knowing what the day had in store for me. 964,800 minutes ago, I didn't realize that my world was about to be turned upside down, sideways, and shaken completely up.
I was telling a few friends this morning that in some ways, 22 months ago seems like such a long time ago. With each passing day, I feel further and further away from Erik. That breaks my heart into a million pieces. I feel like I have to constantly look at his pictures just so I won't forget what he looks like. I feel like I'm constantly having to replay his 5 years, 2 months, and 15 days just so I won't forget a single memory of him. Other days I feel like November 15, 2009 was just yesterday. I get overly anxious, my heart starts racing and I just have an overall bad feeling on days like that. One thing is for sure - nothing about grief is easy. Just when you think you've accomplished a step, you take 12 back and have to start all over again. I find that even 22 months later, I'm still having to take life one day at a time.
I've been working my tail off to get Erik's scrapbooks started and finished. I finally finished his 1st year (technically 1.5 years) and I've never been more proud. I finished it just in time for his birthday. I've started on his last year and I'm slowly getting it put together and completed. But honestly, it'll never be done because I'll continue adding to it as his birthdays and angelversaries come and go. I've printed over 700 pictures in the last month so that I can start on 2006 and 2007. Needless to say, I'm going to be very busy doing that!
Erik - it's so hard to believe that I haven't seen your beautiful smile and big brown eyes in 22 months. I miss you so much and I can NOT wait to hold you in my arms again. Until that day....
PS - please excuse me if there are any grammatical or spelling errors - proofreading this post was impossible.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
You'll notice that we are some concert loving people! Just this summer me, the hubby & bff (along with others) have seen Justin Moore twice, Brantley Gilbert twice (hubby & I met him the first time!!) Willie Nelson, Thompson Square twice, Jason Aldean, Hunter Hayes, Eli Young Band, Zac Brown Band, Craig Campbell, Chris Young - I think that's all, but I feel like I'm forgetting some people... Oh well, you get the point!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
MY GRIEF WISH LIST
.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.
......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.
......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.
......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.
.....I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.
....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.
.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.
....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.
.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of her death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.
.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.
....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Mommy and Daddy please don’t be sad today,
When Jesus called me, I could not stay.
My life with you was full of happiness and joy,
I always knew I was your special little boy.
You loved me and took such good care of me,
You’re the best Mommy and Daddy that ever could be.
I pretended to be a cowboy with a holster and gun,
It made you so happy to see me have fun.
As wonderful as my life was, there with you,
My new life with Jesus is wonderful too!
The beauty in Heaven is a sight to see,
And Daddy, “the Angels walk with Papa and me”.
If you saw me now, you would feel peace and joy,
To see how the Father takes care of your little boy.
Mommy, I have need of nothing in my new home,
And on the streets of gold I play and roam.
God sees your tears and the sadness you feel,
Just trust in his plan and his perfect will.
Remember I love you and will see you and Dad,
You’ll remember no longer the sad times you’ve had.
God has a message he wanted me to give,
Have faith in Him and for Jesus live.
Ask Him for strength and he will be there,
And my eternal home with you I’ll share.
P.S. Tell my sissy’s I love them too!
Friday, September 2, 2011
We celebrated Erik yesterday and I survived. The anticipation was definitely worse than the day.
I spent some time at the cemetery after lunch and that was pretty rough, but after that good cry, the rest of the day was peaceful.
Our family gathered at Erik's grave at dark and we released 7 sky lanterns. We all found it amazing that all 7 of the lanterns, plus 14 balloons floated in the same direction without even the slightest breeze.
Coincidence? I think not!!!
Anyway, I was blown away by all the sweet texts and Facebook messages that I got yesterday. It truly warmed my heart to know that my sweet brown eyed boy touched so many people in such a short time.