Thursday, September 15, 2011

22 months

How has another month passed without my sweet boy?!  My heart is broken today.  Completely.  I got a sweet FB message last night from another Mommy who knows all too well this pain I live with everyday.  She just wanted to let me know that she loved my profile picture and that he (Erik) was so cute.  It was in that moment that the tears started falling.  I started crying because her comment about Erik was so sincere and out of the blue.  I cried because I felt so proud to be his Mama.  I cried because I'll NEVER see that beautiful smile again.  Well, at least not this side of earth.

(I'm pretty sure she reads my new blogs, so if you're reading this one now, please don't feel bad for bringing my tears out!!  I appreciate your sweet comment more than you'll ever know!)

Anyway.  Today, September 15, 2011, marks 22 months without Erik. 670 days ago I woke up not knowing what the day had in store for me. 964,800 minutes ago, I didn't realize that my world was about to be turned upside down, sideways, and shaken completely up.

I was telling a few friends this morning that in some ways, 22 months ago seems like such a long time ago.  With each passing day, I feel further and further away from Erik.  That breaks my heart into a million pieces.  I feel like I have to constantly look at his pictures just so I won't forget what he looks like.  I feel like I'm constantly having to replay his 5 years, 2 months, and 15 days just so I won't forget a single memory of him.  Other days I feel like November 15, 2009 was just yesterday.  I get overly anxious, my heart starts racing and I just have an overall bad feeling on days like that.  One thing is for sure - nothing about grief is easy.  Just when you think you've accomplished a step, you take 12 back and have to start all over again.  I find that even 22 months later, I'm still having to take life one day at a time.

I've been working my tail off to get Erik's scrapbooks started and finished.  I finally finished his 1st year (technically 1.5 years) and I've never been more proud.  I finished it just in time for his birthday.  I've started on his last year and I'm slowly getting it put together and completed.  But honestly, it'll never be done because I'll continue adding to it as his birthdays and angelversaries come and go.  I've printed over 700 pictures in the last month so that I can start on 2006 and 2007.  Needless to say, I'm going to be very busy doing that!

Erik - it's so hard to believe that I haven't seen your beautiful smile and big brown eyes in 22 months.  I miss you so much and I can NOT wait to hold you in my arms again.  Until that day....

PS - please excuse me if there are any grammatical or spelling errors - proofreading this post was impossible.



Time definitely doesn't make things easier. I think it makes things harder in some way because I realize how long it really has been and I miss him that much more :(

Thinking of you and your sweet Erik! ((Hugs))

Cheryl said...

Of course I have no clue what to say to make you feel better because honestly? There isn't anything to say to make you feel better. However, I will say this. I am praying for you & your family. I pray that you find some peace in knowing that Erik is in heaven dancing around watching over your little girls! :-)


Rachel said...

I understand, Ashley. Sometimes the tears can't be helped... and they shouldn't! Congrats on the scrapbooks! I just can't seem to get them going...