Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Heather

She is my best friend. We have been through everything together and are closer because of it. She has stood by my side when I was heartbroken over a boy who I meant nothing to. She has stood by my side when I continued to make the same mistake over and over again. Never once did she say "I told you so". She picked me up when I was at my lowest and helped me start again. She has been there when nobody else was. She makes me laugh. She makes me cry from laughing so hard. She's honest, sincere and caring.

Things haven't always been so wonderful though. Back in 2003, we had a huge falling out. We thought it would be a good idea to move in with each other, only to realize after a couple of months that we should've never taken that step. I made mistakes. She made mistakes. I moved out and we didn't talk for almost 4 months. We finally ran in to each other in Applebee's near Christmas time. I didn't wanna look at her. She didn't look at me. Finally, Leo walked up to where I was sitting and broke the ice for both of us. After we both swallowed our pride, we embraced each other and just cried. I had missed her so much. I filled her in on my newly formed relationship with Kyle and she told me how she and Leo were also living together. We vowed that night to always be by the other's side. Heather was the first person I called when I got pregnant with Erik. She was so happy for me. She helped to plan my baby shower when it was time. But for some reason - that I'm still not sure I even know about, we drifted apart again. I can remember feeling so lost. I expected her to be there when we welcomed Erik into the world, but instead I can remember sending her a text.

I wasn't there for her when she had to go through her radical hysterectomy. I was such a bad friend that I didn't even know that she was going through that until I read about it on MySpace one day. I felt awful and I hated myself for letting her down. We had been through so much together and sadly we had just drifted apart. We continued to stay in touch, but me being a new mother and her being a newlywed, we didn't make the time for each other that we should have.

Fast forward to November 15, 2009. I don't remember much about that day, but I do remember sending Heather a text and telling her we were headed to Greenville Memorial. She didn't ask any questions and immediately said "I'm on my way". She got to the hospital before I did and hasn't left my side yet. She was there for me throughout the rest of that day and the days that followed. She made a beautiful slideshow for Erik's funeral and I haven't been able to thank her enough for that.

This past week, my best friend had to endure hell again. She lost her father on December 8, 2010 and laid him to rest on December 13, 2010. I've seen Heather laugh at the way she reacted the night her father passed and I've seen her have a break down in the middle of Kohl's because she spotted flannel shirts. I've seen Heather hold back tears when I know she was drowning on the inside. Heather made all the plans for her father's funeral. She has taken care of everything for her mother and sister. I witnessed my best friend stand up in a room full of people grieving her father and read the eulogy that she had written him with grace and strength. My best friend stood at her father's casket and looked me straight in the eye and asked if I was OK.

She's been the rock for her family. And she's been a pillar for me when I watched my world crumble around me. She is an inspiration and a wonderful, wonderful friend. I can't imagine my life without her in it and although we don't live that close, I know that I can ALWAYS count on her and I pray that she knows the same goes for me.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Baby Doll

I can feel my grief coming on stronger the closer it gets to Christmas. I'm angry. I'm mad. I'm pissed off at the world. I take it out on all the wrong people and the smallest things put me over the edge. This morning was proof of that.

The girls woke up an hour earlier than they usually do. I heard Sienna's little feet going down the hall at 6:05 a.m. I called out to her and she said she was looking for Daisy (our cat). I knew in that instant that today was going to be a rough day. I begged Sienna to come get in bed with me - even though it was technically time for me to get up. Before she could get in bed good, Kaitlyn started crying. I think she was dreaming because when I got in her room, her eyes were closed and I couldn't make her "snap" out of it for a few seconds. She continued to whine. I told Sienna to lay back down in her bed because I had to take a shower. She refused. I told them to do whatever, but that I was getting in the shower. Kaitlyn continued to cry.

By them getting up earlier than usual, I was completely thrown off of my morning routine. Kaitlyn crying for almost an hour straight while I was trying to get ready could've contributed to that too. I finally got everyone dressed only to realize that I hadn't started the car. It's 17 degrees outside, I'm late for work and the car is basically frozen. I give it about 10 minutes to warm up and then we make our way outside. The car is still frozen and I can't see out of the windshield. We sat in a freezing car for about 10 minutes until the windshield was clear. I drove the 35 minutes to daycare, still no heat. I've got 2 little girls saying that they are freezing in the back seat and I can't do anything about it. The drive to school wouldn't be complete without Kaitlyn having a complete meltdown. This morning, she chose to pitch a fit because I wouldn't cover her baby doll up. I was driving. I was late. My nerves were shot. I refused to be distracted yet again by a baby doll. Kaitlyn wouldn't drop it. I continue driving, trying my best to ignore her. I finally can't take anymore and I pull the car over. I go around to Kaitlyn's side and demand that she get out of the car if she is going to continue to cry. She looks terrified. I tell her that I've had enough of her crying and that she can either stop crying or she can get out. She begs me one last time to cover her baby doll up. By this point, I was ready to scream. I gave in and covered the baby doll up and shivered my way back to the driver's side. Kaitlyn never shed another tear. We get to daycare and I barely have enough time to say goodbye. I make sure to give each girl a kiss and tell them that I love them. I get back into a freezing car and make my way into work almost 30 minutes late.

Do I realize what I did to Kaitlyn was wrong? Absolutely. Could I have solved the whole meltdown by covering up a baby doll? Sure could've. My anger over having another Christmas without Erik overtook me. I didn't care what I was doing. I didn't care that I was arguing with a 2 year old child. I didn't care about anything. I was mad. I am mad. I was angry. I am angry. I am still heartbroken over it and I'll admit, there are times that I get mad at the children I do still have because I don't have their brother. It's completely unfair to them. I know that. I hate myself for taking anger/frustration/sadness out on them.

Today when I go to pick them up, I'll hug Kaitlyn a little tighter and apologize for being mean to her. She'll hug me back and probably not even remember what I'm talking about. My girls are my life. I would be 6 feet under if it weren't for them. I put too much pressure on their young lives to hold me together. I don't know what else to do. How do you repair something that can't be repaired? How do you tell someone to move on when part of their being wants to stay in the past? I'm tired of putting on a show for everyone. I'm tired of having to plaster a smile on my face when all I wanna do is scream and cry and punch something. My body is exhausted.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Really?!

I absolutely can not believe that we are already in December. Where in the world has this year gone???? It seems like it has flown by, but other times, it seems like it's lasted an eternity.

My girls have grown so much over the last year and are steadily growing up in the blink of an eye. They'll be another year older before I know it. I haven't seen Erik in 382 days and it feels like it's been an eternity since I last seen his big brown eyes. I wonder if there is any way that I could reverse the two - you know, make my girls slow down on growing up and speed up time til I can see Erik again.... That would be great. I think.

There is no denying that this last year has been an extremely hard and trying one. I've faced challenges head on when I had no idea how I would EVER make it through. I've grown into a person I never thought I could be. I've accepted things I never wanted to accept. I've forgiven people that I never should have. I've experienced more pain and heart ache in one year than most people do in an entire lifetime. I have not let this last year define me or overtake me. Although there were times when doing so would've been the easy way out. I refused to cave because there are people who need me.

I'm looking forward to next year. I know it will come with it's own set of challenges and heart aches, but if I've survived the last 382 days, I feel like I can survive just about anything!