Thursday, September 27, 2012

Apologies and an update

I have been a terrible blogger lately.  Oops!  :(  I have no good excuse really - other than I've been living life and I get tired of writing about the same things all the time.  I bore myself with it, so I'm sure y'all are bored too.

I don't have much time, but I just wanted to give a brief update on what's been going on around here.

~ Kyle is still loving his new job.  I'm happy that he's happy, but this "married - single mother thing" is hard to get use to!  On the days he works, he doesn't get to see the girls because he's up and gone before 6 a.m. and usually doesn't get home til almost 9 p.m.  I guess I just got spoiled to him being at home early and usually having dinner cooking or done for us to eat.  Trying to figure out what to eat once I get home at 6 p.m. is such a rush with having the girls on such a strict bedtime during the week.

~ The girls are doing really well in school.  They've gotten a green mark every day, which is for being on the best behavior.  I'm so thankful for such well-behaved children, but I sure do wish that wonderful behavior carried over once they walked into our house.  Who knew that four-year olds could be such drama queens!!! Oh.Em.Gee!!!!!  If their behavior is any indication of what the teenage years will be like, I may not survive!!

~ I'm still hoping and praying for the day that I can be a SAHM again.  I feel like I'm missing out on so much by not being able to pick the girls up from school.  By the time I pick them up, they've been out of school for 5 hours and have more than likely forgotten about most of what they did during the time they were there.  One of my favorite things when Erik was in school was being the first person he saw when his school day was over.  We spent the ride home talking about his day and like I said, I'm missing that part a LOT with the girls!

~ We went to the zoo this past weekend.  I thought the girls were at an age where they would love to look at each animal.  Ha!  Yeah right.  Had Kyle and I not made them slow down, we probably could walked through the whole zoo in record time!  They didn't want to stop and look at much of anything.  Sienna was concentrating on getting a new stuffed animal at the end and Kaitlyn just wanted to stop at all of the vendors and get something - whether it was a drink or an icee or an ice cream.  That child is just like her mama - she loves to spend some money!!!

Let's see, what else....

~ My van is acting up and it's really worrying me.  It's been making some awful noises lately and as much as I know I need to take it to be looked at, the thoughts of what it will cost to be fixed scares the you know what out of me.  I've never had a car this long and in the past I just rid of a car if it started to act up.  I love my van though and there's not way I'm giving it up!  Guess I just need to bite the bullet and have it checked out.

~ Back to talking about the girls, well mainly Kaitlyn, she has been a HAND FULL lately.  She has the sassiest mouth and it's about to drive me over the edge.  She argues with us about everything and I've finally gotten to the point of just flat out ignoring her, which I know isn't the right thing to do, but I'm at a loss as to what TO DO.  She talks back when we tell her what's for supper.  She talks back when we tell her it's bathtime.  She talks back when we tell her it's bedtime.  She talks back when we tell her to stop talking back.  I've threatened to wash her mouth out with soap, but I've yet to do it because she'll usually straighten up.  It just kills me because she is literally the sweetest child you'll ever meet, but she is a holy terror when she's been wronged.  She even got sassy with my Mama the other day and that's something she has NEVER done!  My mama couldn't get over it, but she finally realized why I have no patience with Kaitlyn when she gets into one of her moods.

~ Sienna is still just as laid back as always.  She has her moments, but they are few and far between.  She hates going to bed at night and will pitch a fit when we tell her it's bedtime, but once she's tucked in, she's usually asleep within ten minutes.  Big girl school must be an exhausting thing!!  Another thing about Sienna - the older she gets, the more I realize that she really is just like her big brother.  She insists on wearing jeans and boots to school every day and the majority of her friends at school and daycare are boys - simply because they are the ones who like playing trucks with her.

~ Jake is still going through chemo treatment.  He is cancer free, but his treatment plan is pretty much laid out for the next 3 years.  He's started the phase of treatment where he'll have to be hospitalized every other week for up to 4 days and that's been pretty rough on their whole family.  Kelley is the one who stays with Jake and Shanon holds the fort down at home.  I know it's rough on Kelley because she's missing out on a lot with Will and Alyssa just as I know it's hard on Shanon not being right beside Jake every step of the way.  But I think it's the hardest on Will.  He's at the age where he needs stability and their life right now is anything but stable.  I pray that he's able to understand everything that's going on and why it's going on and doesn't grow up resenting his parents or his brother.  God knows that we'd all do anything for a different path for Jake-man.  Thankfully though, Jake is doing really well.  He has his sick days, but overall, he's the bravest little boy I know.  Just please keep praying for him and the rest of the family.

~ As for me, I'm still trucking along.  I dread the rest of the year from here on out, but I'm determined to make this holiday season better for my girls than last year was.  We didn't even have a Christmas tree for heaven's sake!!!!  I still feel guilty about that!  Obviously I continue to miss my sweet boy every single second of every single day, but I'm doing better.  I've had several friends tell me that Erik has come to them in their dreams and left messages for me.  It makes me so happy to have this happen, but at the same time, I'm still patiently waiting on my own visit from my baby.  I know it takes time and I'm trying to just let it happen, but damn it, I miss him so very much.

I think that's all I have for now.  Hopefully I'll get back into my blogging routine and post more regularly, but right now I'm in a rough season and honestly don't have much to say.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

They said what?!

Being the mother of twin girls has been the most challenging thing I've ever done.  The girls are really starting to develop the sweetest/funniest/dramatic personalities and as hard as some days are, I laugh at some of the things they say on a daily basis.  I've read several blogs quoting some of the funny things kids say and they got me to thinking about all of the funny things Kaitlyn and Sienna say...

I hope they'll make you laugh as hard as I did!!

*When the girls sit at the kitchen table to eat, they usually sit on their knees.  A couple of months ago, Kaitlyn told us she didn't like sitting on her knees anymore because it made her have bugs in her feet.  It took me a minute to realize that she meant her feet would go to sleep and then tingle as they were "waking up".

*While bathing the girls one night, Sienna discovered that the water coming out of the faucet plus legs spread equals a different sensation.  She started giggling and I just ignored her.  I couldn't ignore her anymore after she said "Mama look!  The water makes this thing wiggle"

*Kaitlyn talks on our old cell phones like she's 15 years old.  I heard her telling her "friendy" one day that she had been texting her all day and wanted to know why she hadn't replied.  (obviously her ears don't miss a sound!)

*I am constantly telling the girls how beautiful they are.  Sometimes I'll ask them how they got to be so beautiful.  Sienna told me tonight "Mama, God made me this beautiful.  I have beautiful blonde hair."  Bless her <3 p="p">
*When Big Green Tractor comes on the radio and the girls are in the car with me, Kaitlyn always tells me that her Bubba is watching us so we better be singing his most favorite song.

As you can tell, there is never a dull moment around our house!!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Things that annoy me Friday!

Yep, it's another awesome blog title that I've spotted floating around the blogging world.  Have I mentioned that I read a lot few blogs?!

Anyway - I've realized that I rarely post anything on Friday's, so I'm going to turn Friday into my day to complaint about all the things that annoy me.  Hopefully I'll be able to keep up with it and maybe, just maybe, you'll be able to relate!

The things that are annoying me today are:

- People who stare at me because I'm tall.  I realize I'm abnormal.  I realize I tower over just about everyone I know.  I realize I probably shouldn't put on 3 inch heels.  But damn it, I'm going to because I can.  I don't need you gawking at me.  I don't stare at you because you're short!

- Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.  This one explains itself.

- Not being able to get through on the radio station to win concert tickets when I REALLY want to.  I guess everyone else really wants to win too because I have no probably winning Colt Ford tickets.  Seriously?!

- having a million and three pens and not being satisfied with how any of them write.  This should probably be number 1 considering how anal I am about my handwriting.

- getting the urge to clean my house from top to bottom and actually doing it only for it to be destroyed in less than five seconds because my husband and children refuse to offer any sort of help in keeping it clean.

- my hair.  OMG I will never go this short again.  Trying to grow this mushroom out just might be the death of me.

What's annoying you today?!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Midweek Randoms

* I'm so thankful that there are meds out there to help people like me, but I'm not loving how it numbs just about every emotion there is...

* It seems surreal that the attack on America was 11 years ago.  I can remember exactly where I was when the first plane hit and I'm pretty sure I'll never forget.

* Having my girls on a very strict week night schedule is a great thing.  Until the plans change and they make everyone around them miserable because they are so exhausted. :(

* I look forward to Friday's as soon as Saturday gets here.  It's the one day of the week that I can do what I want when I want and how I want.  For a few hours anyway :)

* There for a while, I was obsessed with baby/child loss blogs.  At one point I was following close to 215 blogs.  I finally realized that I couldn't keep up with all the children gone too soon and deleted over half of those blogs.  Now I follow a select few and one day, I will meet the girls who have inspired me along this grief journey!

* I've had a touch of baby fever lately.  I don't know what is wrong with me!  It must be those emotion numbing meds!! Ha!

Hope y'all have a good rest of the week!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Sometimes and Always

It's Tuesday, which means I'm linking up with Megan for another edition of

Sometimes I can still watch footage from 09.11.01 and it feels like it's a movie.
Always the number of people who have lost their lives since that awful day continues to grow and I realize the attacks were very real.

Sometimes I look at my beautiful girls and can't believe I've managed to survive 4.5 years of raising twins!
Always I thank God for trusting me to raise them.

Sometimes I regret leaving my first "real" job.
Always I wouldn't trade the two years I got to spend at home raising all 3 of my kids for anything!

Sometimes I make up my mind that I'm going to save more of my paycheck than I spend.
Always I never manage to save a dime :(

Sometimes I open my mailbox and there's nothing but bills.
Always getting packages like these makes my day!!

My new garden flag that will be placed on Erik's grave <3 td="td">

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Sometimes and Always

Linking up with Megan again this week for...

Sometimes: I wish life was more simple.
Always: I'd have no need for a therapist and depression/anxiety meds if it were simple.

Sometimes: I miss having help at night since Kyle got his new job.
Always: I'm grateful that we're back to being a 2 income household.

Sometimes: I let stuff bother me way to much.
Always: I get over it.

Sometimes: I get home at night and can't remember what I done throughout the day.
Always: It happens more and more during this time of the year.

**Sorry for this version sucking it up big time.  I'm in a blah mood and was struggling to come up with these 4. Hopefully next week will be better :)

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Say Nothing Saturday

All About my birthday boy....

3rd birthday
It was probably my favorite out of the 5.
Isn't his cake awesome?!

how I miss those beautiful brown eyes....

hospital picture and his last birthday

First through fifth birthday's... breaks my heart that all of his birthday's can be fit into one small collage :(
My heart melts...

Boy had some serious style (left)
left handed batter (right) - I know he wouldn't been famous one day!

My precious baby boy.
Miss him like crazy!!!

September Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Erik Quarles - 09.01.04

Peyton Elizabeth Binder - 09.04.2008 - Peyton's Story

Jacob Nelles - 09.05.2011 - Jacob's Story

Lauren Kittles - 09.07.1994 - Lauren's Story

Ewan Petermann - 09.18.2010 - Ewan's Story

Sully - 09.19.2010 - Sully's Story

Monty Whitemoon - 09.20.1949

Cyndi Phillips - 09.22.1972

Senior Airman Nick Alden - 09.24.85

John G. Santopietro - 09.24.1990 - John's Story

Anthony Frank Grasso - 09.26.1980

Liz Logelin - 09.1977 - Liz's Story

Angel Lifeday's

Jacob Moore - 09.04.2003 - Jacob's Story

Aiden Thomas - 09.04.2011 - Aiden's Story

Sebastian Levi - 09.04.2011 - Sebastian's Story

Giovanna Jean - 09.14.2010 - Giovanna's Story

Cole Jayden Howard - 09.17.2010 - Cole's Story


Baby Green - due date 09.01

Jacob Nelles - 09.07.2011 - Jacob's Story

Michael Weathers - 09.09.2011

Maddie Lanway - 09.21.2011


**If you would like to add your loved one's name to the list, please contact me.**

Happy Birthday, Erik

8 years ago today, I realized what true love was all about.  The moment I looked into Erik's eyes is the moment I fell head over heels in love.  Every breath I took was for him and I am ever so grateful that I had 5 years, 2 months and 15 days with him.  That doesn't keep me from wondering what the years after that would've been like though.
May, 2009

To my little boy:

Today you are 8 years old.  My heart swells thinking about the boy you would've been today.

I wonder who your 3rd grade teacher would be.

I wonder if you'd still be obsessed with baseball.  Ha!  Who am I kidding - you were in love with that sport!

I wonder what you'd think about Jake being sick - would you be by his side the whole time or would you separate yourself from him.

I wonder how you and your sisters would be getting along.  I know that you and Sienna would love each other.  She loves pretty much the same stuff that you use to love.  Kaitlyn is loving like you so I'm sure y'all would spend most of your time snuggled on the couch watching movies.

I wonder if you'd still love boneless pork chops, mac & cheese out of the box and corn on the cob.  It's been a while since we've had that for dinner.  Maybe we'll do that for your birthday tonight.

I wonder what size shoe you'd be wearing.  Would you still be tall and skinny or would you have filled out a little bit.  Kaitlyn & Sienna are wearing some of your clothes now.  Kaitlyn is almost too tall for your pants.  Seeing this hurts a little because I don't remember you being on the small side for a 5 year old.  I always thought you were tall for your age.

The little things are starting to escape my memory.  How has it possibly been 3 years since we had you an actual birthday party?!

I remember your last birthday party like it was yesterday.  I'm so glad I decided to go all out and give you the perfect party.  You had a blast that day.  Seeing you up on that horse with that little smirk on your face made everything worth it.  Guess that's why I tend to go overboard on your sisters birthday's.

Speaking of your sisters, they are in 4K this year.  Their classroom is right across from the class you were in for kindergarten.  I get to see Ms. Jones just about every day.  She always has a knowing smile and usually a hug for me.  I am so grateful for her.  She gets it when nobody else does.

Daddy and I miss you like crazy.  We don't talk about you near as much as I'd like too, but it's still just to painful.  It's a rare occasion that I can talk about you without tearing up.  But I know you know that already.  I hope you also know how loved you are.  You are still the light of my life and everything that I do is for you and your sisters.  The 3 of you are my world.

I wish more than anything that you were here with us today.  This life without you still feels like a dream some days.  I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and you're going to walk through the door and wrap your arms around my neck.  

If only...

The last professional picture ever taken of Erik
September, 2009
Sweet boy, I really hope you know how much you are loved and missed.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you.  I promise you that you will never be forgotten - EVER!!! And if that means I'm the only one celebrating you for the rest of my life, then that's what I'll do.

I love you to the moon and back cowboy.


Our only complete family pictures - June, 2009