Happy Birthday, Erik

8 years ago today, I realized what true love was all about.  The moment I looked into Erik's eyes is the moment I fell head over heels in love.  Every breath I took was for him and I am ever so grateful that I had 5 years, 2 months and 15 days with him.  That doesn't keep me from wondering what the years after that would've been like though.

May, 2009

To my little boy:

Today you are 8 years old.  My heart swells thinking about the boy you would've been today.

I wonder who your 3rd grade teacher would be.

I wonder if you'd still be obsessed with baseball.  Ha!  Who am I kidding - you were in love with that sport!

I wonder what you'd think about Jake being sick - would you be by his side the whole time or would you separate yourself from him.

I wonder how you and your sisters would be getting along.  I know that you and Sienna would love each other.  She loves pretty much the same stuff that you use to love.  Kaitlyn is loving like you so I'm sure y'all would spend most of your time snuggled on the couch watching movies.

I wonder if you'd still love boneless pork chops, mac & cheese out of the box and corn on the cob.  It's been a while since we've had that for dinner.  Maybe we'll do that for your birthday tonight.

I wonder what size shoe you'd be wearing.  Would you still be tall and skinny or would you have filled out a little bit.  Kaitlyn & Sienna are wearing some of your clothes now.  Kaitlyn is almost too tall for your pants.  Seeing this hurts a little because I don't remember you being on the small side for a 5 year old.  I always thought you were tall for your age.

The little things are starting to escape my memory.  How has it possibly been 3 years since we had you an actual birthday party?!

I remember your last birthday party like it was yesterday.  I'm so glad I decided to go all out and give you the perfect party.  You had a blast that day.  Seeing you up on that horse with that little smirk on your face made everything worth it.  Guess that's why I tend to go overboard on your sisters birthday's.

Speaking of your sisters, they are in 4K this year.  Their classroom is right across from the class you were in for kindergarten.  I get to see Ms. Jones just about every day.  She always has a knowing smile and usually a hug for me.  I am so grateful for her.  She gets it when nobody else does.

Daddy and I miss you like crazy.  We don't talk about you near as much as I'd like too, but it's still just to painful.  It's a rare occasion that I can talk about you without tearing up.  But I know you know that already.  I hope you also know how loved you are.  You are still the light of my life and everything that I do is for you and your sisters.  The 3 of you are my world.

I wish more than anything that you were here with us today.  This life without you still feels like a dream some days.  I keep thinking that I'm going to wake up and you're going to walk through the door and wrap your arms around my neck.  

If only...

The last professional picture ever taken of Erik
September, 2009

Sweet boy, I really hope you know how much you are loved and missed.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you.  I promise you that you will never be forgotten - EVER!!! And if that means I'm the only one celebrating you for the rest of my life, then that's what I'll do.

I love you to the moon and back cowboy.

Mama

Our only complete family pictures - June, 2009