Thursday, December 27, 2012

Hectic Holidays

Between my family and Kyle's family, we celebrated Christmas 4 times!!
By December 26th, I was over opening presents and all that goes along with it.
And honestly, I'm still trying to recover!

Here's a recap of our Christmas in pictures:

Christmas #1 at my sister, Jen's house
Poor Chandler was sick, so she's not in any of my pictures :(








Christmas #2 with Kyle's brother and his girlfriend 

Christmas Eve 



Santa came!!! 


Ready for Christmas #3 at my Aunt's house 



Christmas #4 with Kyle's Mama 


The girls got way too much stuff and are spoiled loved so much!!

As for me, I got these:
first pair of new tennis shoes in almost 5 years!!

Best. Present. Ever!!!!
I hope that y'all had a very Merry Christmas too!!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Newspring Church

Have y'all ever heard of Newspring?  If you haven't, you definitely must check it out.  Newspring is a contemporary church that we have recently started visiting.  Kyle has been listening to their app for a while now, but I had my first experience on December 20.

Let me just say that I was completely AMAZED!!!!  Perry Noble, the senior pastor of Newspring, definitely knows what he is doing.  His sermons are straight to the point and on a level that everyone can understand and relate to.

I am also proud to say that I recommitted my life to Jesus this night.  Pastor P (as he likes to be called) spoke directly to my heart and his message was something that I related to on every level.  I am looking forward to what 2013 brings as I continue to grow and learn in my walk with Jesus.

Our girls love it so much as well.  They attend Kidspring and get so excited when we tell them that it's church day and we're going to Newspring.  They got a Christmas CD during one of our visits and we have listened to that CD more times than I can count.  There is nothing sweeter than hearing your children singing about the Lord.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

Christmas Play

On December 16, our church had their Children's Play.  During the practices, Sienna would sing and dance along with the other kids while Kaitlyn refused.  I was quite surprised that it was just the opposite during the actual play.

My girls are growing up :'(



Saturday, December 15, 2012

Say Nothing Saturday

11.03.12
*Chandler, Will, Chase, Jake, Erik's spot, Sienna, Kaitlyn, Alyssa*

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Powerful Stuff!!!!

Earlier tonight as I was going through my blog roll, I came across this post from Single Dad Laughing.  If any of y'all follow SDL, you know he gets all sorts of powerful at least once a week.  He writes about stuff that most of us only think of writing about.  I'd like to think that he's pretty open and honest and lays it all out there for the world to read.

This post was no different.  He gave readers an opportunity to basically confess a secret that they have been withholding.  Their secret was then published, anonymously of course, with 60 other secrets.

I found it pretty ironic that on the drive into work this morning I was trying to come up with some blog posts in my head and something very similar to this was one of the thoughts I had.  Except obviously all of the "secrets" would be about me and they would be far from anonymous.

Maybe one day, I'll get the courage to do that.  Until then, I submitted three of my own secrets into Dan's truth box.

I can honestly say that it felt good.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Say Nothing Saturday

Priceless :)

December Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Charlie Gordon - 12.13.2000

Macie Barton - 12.20.2008 - Macie's Story

Bruce Bolan - 12.27.1956


Angel Lifeday's

Rachel Alice Aube - 12.03.2010 - Rachel's Story

Olivia Moore - 12.14.2009 - Olivia's Story



Angelversaries

Cora - 12.06.11 - Cora's Story

Charlie Gordon - 12.07.2009

Bruce Bolan - 12.08.2010

Makenzie Rye Webster - 12.13.2009 - Makenzie's Story

Julia - 12.16.2011 - Julia's Story

Mike Pitts - 12.17.1967

PFC Justin Whitmire - 12.27.2011




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**If you would like to add your loved one's name to the list, please contact me.**

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Holidays

I seriously need to be a better blogger!

Ugh, I just can't seem to find my groove.  The holidays are here in full force and I'm honestly just trying to survive.

I miss Erik as usual.
This time of the year is just another reminder of everything I'm missing out on with him.

And we're broke.

It's pretty hard to get into the Christmas spirit.

I hope that 2013 is a better blogging year for me, but until then, I'll still be doing random posts with too many pictures.

I hope y'all stay with me!

Women Connect '12

I'm linking up with Becky at From Mrs. To Mama for


Well, who am I?  

I'm Ashley.
I'm 32 years old.
I've been married to Kyle for almost 9 years.
We are the very proud parents of Erik, Kaitlyn & Sienna.

Erik is my guardian angel.

Kaitlyn and Sienna are my fraternal twins.  They turned 4 on May 1st.

I started blogging about 2 years ago.  I was desperate to find other Mama's like me.
I needed to know I wasn't alone.
I had to know that I would be ok after having to bury my first born child.

Since then, I have found some of the most amazing women.
Most of these women have inspired me and helped me more than they will ever know.

I am grateful for the blogging community and if my blog can help another Mom, then it was worth all the tears I poured into it.

I hope that you'll stick around and read about my little family.

I love reading new blogs and I love even more when I get a new follower ;)

Monday, November 19, 2012

Family Pictures

My little family along with my brother and two sisters had family pictures made a couple of weekends ago.  I knew that they were going to be good, but I had no idea how wonderful they would be!!!

I got our cd back today and I haven't stopped smiling since!  If you're in my area, you should definitely check out Anna Pursley Photography.  She's in Abbeville and does an AMAZING job!!!

See!!!!

Will, Alyssa, Jake, Kaitlyn, Chase, Chandler and Sienna
My sweet boy will always be missing :(

Taking us for a ride on that Big Green Tractor!!!

My sweet little family
(BTW - I hate my freaking hair!! This growing it out process is killing me!!!!!)

Yep, I'm in trouble when they're older!

All of us - minus my sister Jennifer and her hubby, Phil

We had to do a jumping picture!!!
Gotta love my brother turning my sister in law into a cheerleader!  LMAO

I am so thankful that Anna was able to capture such precious memories of my family.  I can't wait to get these printed out and onto my walls!!!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

November 15.... again

Ugh, here we are at yet another angelversary.

3 long years.  How in the world is that even possible.  I am definitely living proof that you can, in fact, live with a broken heart.

November 15.  3 long years without Erik.  It just doesn't seem possible whatsoever.  I feel like I was just feeling his little arms around my neck.

December, 2007
Today, I'm choosing to be happy.  Yes, it's been 3 years without half of my heart, but that also means it's 3 years closer to getting to see him again.

And what a glorious day that will be!!!!

My sweet Erik - 

You already know all of the thoughts in my head, but I feel like I have to say them out loud.  I miss you more today than yesterday and less than I will tomorrow.  I love you so very much and I still can't grasp the fact that you're really gone.  You are never far from my thoughts and I am so proud that I got to be your Mama.

You were THE BEST thing that ever happened to me and your Daddy.  You were the best big brother to Kaitlyn & Sienna.

We love you to the moon and back and can NOT wait for our reunion in Heaven.

Love,
Mama


Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Angelversary Eve - Eve

11.13.12 - 2 days til the dreaded day

This time last year I was a complete wreck.  I cried at every little thing, whether it was dealing with Erik or not.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't prevent the tears from falling.  Not that I wanted to not cry, but I needed to be able to function considering my job (and family) sord of depended on me.

Today, I can't even recognize that person.  I am a completely different person this year.  I have rarely cried - matter of fact, the only time the tears have come is while I was typing the article that I wanted to go along with Erik's picture in our local newspaper.

I continue to feel like I'm looking in on someone else's life.  As much as it breaks my heart, I can honestly admit that I have disconnected myself from Erik's death.  I don't know how or why or even when it happened, but it did.

Last Friday after I dropped the girls off at school, I went to the cemetery to take Erik's halloween decorations down.  I sat there for a while and talked to him.  Usually, I can't get a word out without completely breaking down and then leaving in tears.  That wasn't the case on this day.  I never shed a tear and part of me felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. :/

Like I said in my last post, I know that I need to grieve my son.  I know that I need to release all of the hurt, anger, sadness, bitterness and pain that I feel.  I know that I need to do this mostly for myself, but also for my beautiful girls and my husband.

But...

I have suppressed my emotions for so long that I don't know how to grieve anymore.  I have tried to find triggers in the last week or so that will make me have a full on breakdown, but it doesn't happen.  It's like I've forgotten how to cry.

I was telling someone the other day that it's like I have multiple personality disorder or something.  There's the Ashley who lost her son and can't think of anything but how he's not here to live his life and then there's the Ashley who never had a son and then there's the Ashley who knows she had a son, but can't remember him.  Although here lately, I've mainly been the latter Ashley.  Very few people have ever seen the first Ashley.  I don't have enough trust in my heart to reveal that side of me to anyone.  Even Kyle has only had glimpses of that side of me.  The side of me that feels like she never had a son is probably the hardest thing I've admitted in a long time.  How can I honestly feel that way when everything around me reminds me that I did in fact have a beautiful, charming and funny little boy.

Grief.

Ugh.

I just miss my boy.  I can't believe that I've lived without him for almost 3 years.  How is that even possible??

Christmas Day, 2008


My handsome brown - eyed cowboy

This was taken exactly a week before he died.
Perfect.

The very last picture I have of Erik 11.12.09

Same, but different.

I have been a lousy blogger lately.  I have plenty to say, but each time I start writing, the words appear to be so familiar that I can't finish a single post.

It then hits me why all of my words feel like they've been said before.... it's because they have.  Almost 3 years without my son and nothing has changed.

I still miss him like crazy.

He's not coming back.

There's not many different ways to say that.  I get tired of saying it myself so I'm sure you guys are tired of reading about it.

My heart is still broken.  I'm almost positive that it always will be.

PTSD has been my saving grace here lately.

Yeah, I thought that was pretty ironic too.

I know at some point I need to really grieve my son.  Right now though, I just can't.  I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I let my emotions take over.  I'm afraid for my marriage.  I'm afraid for my beautiful girls.

So, until the time to really let go comes, I'll keep pretending that everything is ok.

Erik seems to just be a figment of my imagination and as much as I feel like I'm disgracing his memory (and him), that's the way it has to be.  For now.

I'm not emotionally stable enough to let the tears come.

I'm not physically strong enough to grieve my son and be the mother that my girls need.

Please pray for me in the coming days.

3 years without him is way too long.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Papa

Today marks 3 years without one of the greatest men I've ever known.

I can still hear his hilarious laugh.

I can still see the love in his eyes for his great grandchildren.

I can still hear him saying to me "Damn, are you gonna get any taller?!"

Dear Papa,
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  
I am so grateful that you are up there taking care of my sweet boy.
Please remind him how much I love and miss him.
I can't believe it's been 3 years since you left us.
I wish so much that you were here to spoil these silly girls rotten like you did with Erik.
It breaks my heart that they never really got to know you.
I miss you so very much.


Say Nothing Saturday


Thursday, November 1, 2012

November Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Owen Bissing - 11.10.2010 - Owen's Little Warriors

Avery Lynn Canahuati - 11.11.2011 - Avery's Story

Adam James - 11.13.10 - Adam's Story

Scott Boggs - 11.14.1975

Isabella Hope - 11.14.08

PFC Justin Whitmire - 11.19.1991

Tiffany Anderson - 11.21.1984

John Pearman - 11.27.1948

Matthew - 11.28.2009 - Matthew's Story

Ethan Joshua Wallace - Ethan's Story

Julia - 11.30.2010 - Julia's Story

Cora - 11.30.11 - Cora's Story


Angel Lifeday's

Aiden Jackson - 11.02.2010 - Aiden's Story

Faith Elizabeth - 11.03.96 - Faith's Story

Grace Katherine - 11.03.96 - Grace's Story

Eve - 11.18.2011 - Eve's Story



Angelversaries

Robin Hodges - 11.08.1999

Savanna Dawn Bogue - 11.12.10 - Savanna's Story

Erik Quarles - 11.15.09

Bryce Caison - 11.18.2009 - Bryce's Story

Derrick Jones - 11.23.1997

Levi Daniel - 11.23.2011

Hope Barrett - 11.27.2005

Matthew - 11.29.2009 - Matthew's Story

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**If you would like to have your angel's information added, please contact me**

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Happy Halloween!!

I'll let the pictures do the talking!  Enjoy!