This time last year I was a complete wreck. I cried at every little thing, whether it was dealing with Erik or not. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't prevent the tears from falling. Not that I wanted to not cry, but I needed to be able to function considering my job (and family) sord of depended on me.
Today, I can't even recognize that person. I am a completely different person this year. I have rarely cried - matter of fact, the only time the tears have come is while I was typing the article that I wanted to go along with Erik's picture in our local newspaper.
I continue to feel like I'm looking in on someone else's life. As much as it breaks my heart, I can honestly admit that I have disconnected myself from Erik's death. I don't know how or why or even when it happened, but it did.
Last Friday after I dropped the girls off at school, I went to the cemetery to take Erik's halloween decorations down. I sat there for a while and talked to him. Usually, I can't get a word out without completely breaking down and then leaving in tears. That wasn't the case on this day. I never shed a tear and part of me felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. :/
Like I said in my last post, I know that I need to grieve my son. I know that I need to release all of the hurt, anger, sadness, bitterness and pain that I feel. I know that I need to do this mostly for myself, but also for my beautiful girls and my husband.
I have suppressed my emotions for so long that I don't know how to grieve anymore. I have tried to find triggers in the last week or so that will make me have a full on breakdown, but it doesn't happen. It's like I've forgotten how to cry.
I was telling someone the other day that it's like I have multiple personality disorder or something. There's the Ashley who lost her son and can't think of anything but how he's not here to live his life and then there's the Ashley who never had a son and then there's the Ashley who knows she had a son, but can't remember him. Although here lately, I've mainly been the latter Ashley. Very few people have ever seen the first Ashley. I don't have enough trust in my heart to reveal that side of me to anyone. Even Kyle has only had glimpses of that side of me. The side of me that feels like she never had a son is probably the hardest thing I've admitted in a long time. How can I honestly feel that way when everything around me reminds me that I did in fact have a beautiful, charming and funny little boy.
I just miss my boy. I can't believe that I've lived without him for almost 3 years. How is that even possible??
|Christmas Day, 2008|
|My handsome brown - eyed cowboy|
|This was taken exactly a week before he died.|
|The very last picture I have of Erik 11.12.09|