Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Same, but different.

I have been a lousy blogger lately.  I have plenty to say, but each time I start writing, the words appear to be so familiar that I can't finish a single post.

It then hits me why all of my words feel like they've been said before.... it's because they have.  Almost 3 years without my son and nothing has changed.

I still miss him like crazy.

He's not coming back.

There's not many different ways to say that.  I get tired of saying it myself so I'm sure you guys are tired of reading about it.

My heart is still broken.  I'm almost positive that it always will be.

PTSD has been my saving grace here lately.

Yeah, I thought that was pretty ironic too.

I know at some point I need to really grieve my son.  Right now though, I just can't.  I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I let my emotions take over.  I'm afraid for my marriage.  I'm afraid for my beautiful girls.

So, until the time to really let go comes, I'll keep pretending that everything is ok.

Erik seems to just be a figment of my imagination and as much as I feel like I'm disgracing his memory (and him), that's the way it has to be.  For now.

I'm not emotionally stable enough to let the tears come.

I'm not physically strong enough to grieve my son and be the mother that my girls need.

Please pray for me in the coming days.

3 years without him is way too long.

1 comment:

Kelly L Boots said...

You could say it a
million times and I would keep reading Ashley. He was here on Earth, He mattered. I love hearing about him. I will never know him but I feel like I did a little bit through you. It's okay if you Smile when you think of him. It is okay if you cry. I would love to hear more stories about Erik. Maybe some day you will be able to share those, maybe not. Either way I just want you to know I will always be here reading and thinking of you.