Thursday, January 27, 2011

Life Isn't Fair

I feel numb. The grief of losing Erik has taken over my body again and I feel like I'm lost. Lost in a world full of people who have moved on. Lost in a house full of the people I love the most. Lost in a sea of friends who are always offering their shoulder to cry on, but not knowing how to accept their shoulder. My heart hurts. My body hurts. My mind hurts. My children are suffering because their mother has semi-stepped out of their daily living. My husband is suffering because his wife isn't physically, emotionally or spiritually available. Being around people is the only way I can keep it together, but having people around me is the last thing I want. I want to be alone. I want to be able to get pissed off or angry or mad and not have anyone witness it.

I feel guilty. Because I'm still pissed off that my son was taken from me, I have zero patience. No patience for my oldest daughter who is going through a stage that I can't figure out. No patience for my husband who just wants to know what to cook for supper. No patience at my job. No patience for my mother. It's not fair. I'm finding that out more and more. Life isn't fair. This isn't something that I was taught growing up. I was a spoiled child and had everything I wanted. How come my parents didn't teach me that life wasn't fair?

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't question the path I'm on today. Deep down, I know that EVERYTHING would be different if my sweet Erik was still on this earth. I would still be in school working my way towards becoming a kindergarten teacher. Erik would be excelling in school and on the ball field. My girls would be in love with him and think that there was nothing better than their big brother. He would just be annoyed by them. Erik would be racking up on money from the tooth fairy and would've hopefully learned to tie his shoes and ride a bike without training wheels by now. He would be begging for it to snow again because he just didn't do enough doughnuts on his 4 wheeler the last 2 times it snowed. And ultimately, I truly feel that Kyle and I would still be separated if not already divorced. Our marriage was basically gone before Erik passed away.
But the reality is, my girls only know their brother in pictures and videos. They have no memory of him actually being here and playing with them. They have no memory of the clown that he use to be and no memory of just how much he really loved them. They have no real memory of his laugh or his voice. I feel like my girls have been cheated because of Erik dying. I don't put forth the energy as a mother with them like I should or did with Erik. They don't have the same Mama that Erik had. I'm quicker to fuss at them or just flat out ignore them. I find myself wishing that they would just stop talking for 5 minutes so I could have some quiet time. Then I hate myself for wishing that. I'm constantly comparing them to Erik. On those days when the comparison's are at their highest, Kaitlyn & Sienna have no chance of pleasing me or doing anything right. What kind of parent does their innocent two year old's that way? ME! I know that each of them are their own person and that they will never be Erik. I know this. But yet, I can't stop doing it.

I just long for the day that I will be whole again...

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Happy New Year

Wow - it's been a minute since I posted a blog. I'm getting slack. I know. Well, it's a new year, which means another year without my son. Christmas came and went. The girls got more than they knew what to do with. Thankfully, I was so busy in the days leading up to Christmas that I didn't really have time to sit and think about Erik not being here. I missed him of course, but the grief of him being gone didn't swallow me up and spit me out half chewed like it has before. Doing the nieces and nephews Christmas was probably the hardest because Erik should've been up in the middle of Chase and Jake playing with the monster trucks that Chase got from Kelley. Instead, his little mini - me (Sienna) took her spot on the floor of Pizza Hut with the boys. And it wasn't until after all was said and done that I cried. On the way home, I got to thinking about the pictures I took of the kids. A smiling, brown-eyed boy sure would've completed those pictures.

Christmas night, the forecast called for snow. Hodges wasn't seeing anything, so around 8 p.m. Kyle and I piled the girls in the truck and we took off towards Greenville in hopes we'd see some snow. The girls loved it! Kyle had the bright idea to stop at a car dealership on the way home and get some snow for the girls to eat. Needless to say, we made quite a few stops for more snow! By the time we got back home, it was snowing. It snowed through out the night and well into the next day. It was the first white Christmas that I've ever experienced and from the talk, it was the first white Christmas in Ware Shoals since the early 60's. Coincidence? I think not! The next morning, I couldn't be bothered getting out of bed. We've had 2 snows since Erik has been gone and I couldn't imagine playing in the snow again without him. Kyle finally convinced me to get out of bed for the girls, which I did and we went outside to play. Sienna was the first to grab a handful of snow and eat it! That girl loves to eat some snow! We played for a while and then it was time to hit the back roads and play in the truck. That's when the reality of the situation hit me. Once again, we were out having fun in the snow and Erik wasn't here. My child had never really gotten to play in the snow. The only time it really snowed while he was alive was a night and by the time morning came, it was all frozen. Erik never knew what it was like to build a snow man. He never got to roll around in the snow and throw snow balls at me and Kyle. He didn't get to go sledding or riding on back roads. Thank God the snow from 12/25/10 came and went pretty quick.

We celebrated New Year's with Jen, Phil, Chandler and Chase. We had a good time. Chandler and Chase helped with the fireworks and Sienna and Kaitlyn sat in the truck and watched from there. I'm sure Erik would've had a ball doing the roman candles with Chase and I know he would've loved throwing random stuff in the fire like Chase was doing.

And now here we are, the 2nd week of January, 2011 and we have another record snow fall. Some places around here got 6 - 8 inches. My girls could barely walk out of the house Monday morning. I couldn't believe that we actually got a really good snow fall! This snow fall wasn't any different than Christmas day snow. All I could think about was how unfair it was that it never snowed like this while Erik was alive. I just know that he would've had the time of his life. I could see him riding his 4 wheeler and having a ball. I could hear him in the back seat of Kyle's truck saying "Do it again Deddy!" while Kyle was doing doughnut after doughnut in the middle of the road. I can hear him laughing when Big D got stuck in the ditch. I could see him helping Kyle hook the chains up to pull D out. After all, he was a country boy and he had to do everything just like his Daddy. We managed to find a dirt road that a 4 wheeler had recently been on. Once again, I couldn't do anything but get angry because my boy wasn't here to have fun with us. It's not fair that we've had more snow since he's been gone than we had in his entire lifetime. It's not fair that we're out playing in it and having a ball. It's just not fair.

I'm ready for the snow and ice to melt so that I can get back to my daily routine. Being stuck in the house has gotten the best of me and I'm ready to move on. I've had enough snow for a while, but just like everything else, I'm sure this is only the beginning.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

About Me!

Hey y’all! Welcome to my blog! My name is Ashley. I’m 31 years old. I became Mrs. Kyle Quarles on April 7, 2004. Kyle and I have three beautiful children. Our first born child and only son, Erik, who is forever 5, is my reason for starting this blog. Our twincesses, Kaitlyn and Sienna, will soon be 4 and they are my reason for wanting to see another day.

“My Life Without Erik” is about my struggles in life without a part of my heart and soul. Erik passed away on November 15, 2009 after suffering fatal injuries in a freak 4-wheeler accident. In the blink of an eye, my life was forever changed. Part of me died with Erik and this blog is my way of silently grieving the loss of the love of my life.

Although everything I post isn’t directly about Erik, the presence of my grief is evident in every word I type. This is my life. It’s real. It’s honest. And it’s sometimes heartbreaking. I hope you’ll continue to follow along as I pick up the shattered pieces and attempt to put them back together.