Friday, September 20, 2013

Where Oh Where Did Ashley Go?!

Why is it so hard for me to blog when I know it's such a great release?!  Oh I know why... because writing all the madness down reveals that I'm not the strong person everyone seems to think I am.

The last time I blogged was July 17th (I don't count posting pictures for Say Nothing Saturday blogging).  So very much has happened since then.

Obviously I survived the girls becoming older than Erik.  It wasn't easy and I cried a LOT during that week, but I survived.  On top of how emotional that week already was, I decided that I needed to make it harder. Yeah, I know - such an overachiever!  Kyle and I have been having problems for a long time.  We were split up when Erik passed away and to be honest, we should've never gotten back together because we lost Erik.  But we did and it was hard.  Very hard.  We spent the last 3.5 years together because of our girls and that's not the way marriage should work.  On July 19th, I told Kyle I wanted a divorce.  I won't go into the details of what put me to that point, but just know - I made the right decision for me and my children.  On August 9th, I moved out of the house I shared with Kyle.

Because of my history with Kyle, I knew that moving down the road or a quick drive away wasn't an option.  We're an hour away from everything the girls have ever known.  We no longer have aunts and uncles and cousins and grand parents nearby.  It has been a really hard transition for me, but I knew this is what I needed to start over.  The girls have been amazing through all of this.  I was worried sick about how they would adjust to a new school, new friends, a new daycare and not being with their daddy every day.  The way that they have handled this has made it a semi - easy adjustment for me.  I won't lie - it's HARD being a single parent.  Especially a single parent that has no help close by.  I don't have the option to call my Mom and have her help me out at a moment's notice.  I don't have a built in baby sitter right down the road anymore.  It's HARD.  There have been many times that I've questioned everything that I've done.  But then I remember where I was and what I've been through and that reminds me that I can do this.  I have to do this.  I will do this.

I will be the Mama that my girls are proud of.  I will be the Mama that they deserve.  I will be the Mama that they look up to when they have kids of their own.  I will be the Mama that can look back on her life and smile.

The girls have made new friends and are in love with their new school and teachers.  They get up each morning excited about going to school and they no longer beg me to pick them up early from daycare.  They love living where we do.  They think it's the coolest thing that all of their favorite places to eat are 5 minutes from our house (it's the little things for them!).

Anyway.  It seems like that I always come back after a "break" with jaw dropping news.  Oops.  Just please pray for me and my girls.  Pray that I will have the patience and guidance to be the Mama that I need to be.  Pray that my girls will continue thriving in our new environment and that they will continue to love school and daycare.  We definitely need all the prayers we can get.


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Pictures say a 1000 words.

The last two days, I've been trying to express how I feel about my girls becoming the same age and now older than their big brother.

Words just can't seem to express how I feel.

To the outsiders, my girls becoming this age is no big deal.  But to baby/child loss Mama's, it's a huge thing.  I don't know a single BLM who didn't acknowledge the same milestone with their younger children or rainbow babies.

This hurts, but yet needs to be celebrated.

This is a joyous time, but yet I've cried more in the last 3 days than I have in the last year.

This is a time to celebrate a milestone, but yet also a time to mourn my son.

Doesn't make much sense does it?  Yeah, welcome to my world.

I wanted to share something today that I've never shared with many people.  I want you guys to be able to see my feelings.  I can sit here and talk about how bad I hurt until I'm blue in the face.  I can tell you guys how bad it hurts to have one child in the ground, but still have two others at home.  No amount of words will EVER be able to convey my true feelings.

Until today (possibly).
You wanna experience my reality for half a second?
Read on.

This is my reality.

5 years, 2 months, 17 days.


5 years, 2 months, 17 days.

This is real.  This is what I struggle with every. single. day.

Loving and mothering my living daughters while still grieving my dead son.

I've yet to find the balance.

I try so hard to celebrate their milestones instead of comparing them to milestones that Erik never reached.

It's hard.  It's so hard.

I should be the mother of three LIVING children.

I shouldn't know what it's like to live this life.

I wish that I were still oblivious to child loss and tiny caskets and burial plots and memorials and remembrance ceremonies and songs that remind me of death and the smell of funeral homes and the sirens on rescue vehicles.

But I'm not.

I buried my child and this is my life.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

They are older now.

Another dreaded (yet celebrated) milestone....

They refused to stand beside each other.  Ha!
Today - my girls are officially older than their big brother.

Definitely a bittersweet day.

I'm just thankful that they still don't understand how important yesterday and today are/were.

When I got home from work yesterday, I was a nervous wreck waiting on them to get home from daycare (Kyle picks them up).  The second they pulled up, I felt like a ton had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I could see Sienna's little face light up and she started waving when she saw me.


I stood on the porch and hugged them as tight as I could.  

They were home.  Safe and sound.  And alive.

I silently shed some tears and they were none the wiser. 

I chose not to work out last night and just soaked up the extra cuddles from my girls.  They sat in my lap for a long time just watching their shows on tv.  I debated letting them stay up late, but decided against it because I knew I would pay for their lack of sleep.

They went to bed and I hugged them a little tighter for a little bit longer than usual.

We survived 5 years, 2 months and 15 days.

Monday, July 15, 2013

The same, but so much different.


Today is the day that I have dreaded for a very long time.  

Today, my sweet little girls are 

5 years, 2 months and 15 days old.  

The same age their big brother was when he left this Earth.

I can look at them and see so much of him.

They are so much like him, but even more different than he was.


They are my daughters.  He was is my sweet son.

Sienna has his silly personality and in my opinion looks JUST like him.

Kaitlyn has his loving nature.  Most people think she looks just like him.

She definitely has his ears.  Bless her sweet heart. ;)

I thought that I would be a blubbering mess today.

But, I'm not.  Not yet anyway.

The anticipation of the milestone is always harder than the actual day.

Double - edged sword, I suppose.





For the 5 years, 2 months and 15 days.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

July 10, 2013

I was looking back through some of my last posts and realized that there is a LOT to update everyone on. Unfortunately, my mind can't go there now. I honestly wouldn't even know where to start the updates, so I'm gonna start my "first" post in the present. I may go back and fill in details as I can.

Today is July 10, 2013. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that this year is already half way over. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!? Weren't we just ringing in 2013??? Yeah, I thought so!

As most of the people involved in my life know, I've been off of Facebook for a while. I deactivated a couple of months ago and although I miss my online friends like crazy, I have no intentions of logging back on. Facebook was my go to when I got bored or needed busy hands. I would love to say that I've replaced it with something meaningful, but who am I kidding?! Instagram moved right on in after Facebook moved out! (PS - do you follow me? Do you want too? If so, it's acq9104!) I post lots of cute pics of my girls and my #throwbackthursday posts are reserved for my sweet boy. I post a lot of other random crap too - like pics from the gym and quotes that inspire me. Sorry to disappoint those that were looking for something exciting. I've yet to get on the instavideo bandwagon - granted, I have posted a few videos, but I can't stand the way I talk, so it's very unlikely that I'll ever do a "selfie"!

Anyway. Moving on.

I mentioned that it's July. This is the time that I've dreaded since losing Erik. This month, the 15th and 16th to be exact, are two days that I have been counting down to since I kissed Erik goodbye. Monday, the 15th is hard for obvious reasons. But what isn't obvious about those days is the fact that my sweet little girls will be the same age as their big brother. The 16th marks the day that the baby sisters become older than their big brother. My anxiety has been through the roof for the last couple of days and it wasn't until the other night at the gym that I realized why. It fell on me like a freaking brick and I lost all motivation to do anything at the gym. I packed my gym bag up and walked as fast as I could to my car. Once in my car, I blared my music and cried the whole way home. The first two weeks of EVERY month are hard. The 15th is ALWAYS hard. Knowing that everything from here on out will be "new" to me is extremely hard and emotionally draining. I should know what to expect from a child that is 5 years, 2 months and 16 days old considering I'll have a 9 year old come September. But when your 9 year old is eternally 5, all of this stuff to come will be new to me.

So today, I’m asking for your prayers. I need them more than I ever have. Pray for peace in the days (and months) to come. Pray for my heart. Pray that my anxiety doesn’t overtake my entire body and make me go crazy. Pray that I’ll get to experience life with little girls who are able to turn 5 years, 2 months and 16 days old.

July Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Ashton Anderson - 07.09.2003

Corinne Moll - 07.12.2011 - Corinne's Story

Bree Haga - 07.14.2009 - Bree's Story

Makenzie Rye Webster - 07.18.2009 - Makenzie's Story

Trinity Chumley - 07.24.2006

Aaron Powell - 07.26.1994

Angel Lifeday's

Matthew - 07.02.2005 - Matthew's Story

Thomas Patrick - 07.14.1998 - Thomas' Story

Amelia Grace Lorang - 07.28.2010 - Amelia's Story


Pierce Olsen - 07.12.2011 - Pierce's Story

Rykevious Coates - 07.14.2005

Lucia Rae Morrison - 07.22.2007 - Lucia's Story

Monty Whitemoon - 07.27.2010

**If you would like to add your loved one's name, please contact me.**

Saturday, June 1, 2013

June Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Jace Olsen - 06.05.2009 - Jace's Story

Cohen Marshall - 06.07.2010 - Cohen's Story

Bennet Ryan Morrison - 06.10.2007 - Bennet's Story

Cadence Alana Morrison - 06.10.2007 - Cadence's Story

Lincoln Sean Morrison - 06.10.2007 - Lincoln's Story

Lucia Rae Morrison - 06.10.2007 - Lucia's Story

Tryg Brenton Morrison - 06.10.2007 - Tryg's Story

Noah King - 06.26.2001 - Noah's Story

Angel Lifeday's

Jacob - 06.01.2010 - Jacob's Story

Mamie - 06.25.2009 - Mamie's Story

Baby Malonzo - 06.25.2009

Harper Grace - 06.25.2010 - Harper's Story

Lillian Grace Keunan - 06.27.2010 - Lillian's Story

Abel Norris - 06.30.2009

Drew - 06.30.2010 - Drew's Story

Matthew Phillips - 06.30.2010 - Matthew's Story

Emmerson Claire & Vivienne Catherine - 06.30.2011 - Their Story


Ethan Joshua Wallace - 06.05.2010 - Ethan's Story

Bennet Ryan Morrison - 06.13.2007 - Bennet's Story

Tryg Brenton Morrison - 06.14.2007 - Tryg's Story

Lincoln Sean Morrison - 06.15.2007 - Lincoln's Story

Cohen Marshall - 06.18.2010 - Cohen's Story

Cadence Alana Morrison - 06.23.2007 - Cadence's Story

Miller Woodruff - 06.23.2011 - Miller's Story

Aaron Powell - 06.25.2010

**If you would like to add your loved one's name to the list, please contact me.**

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

May Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Jared Rousey - 05.05.1981

Jenna Cox - 05.05.2009 - Jenna's Story

Kristen Elaine - 05.07.2009 - Kristen's Story

Avery Carnell - 05.11.1990

Makiah King - 05.11.2006 - Makiah's Story

Tripp Roth - 05.14.2009 - Tripp's Story

Andy Dye - 05.22.2003

Pierce Olsen - 05.25.2011 - Pierce's Story

Addi - 05.26.2010 - Addi's Story

Emma Longstreet - 05.29.2005

Julius Luciano - 05.30.2010 - Julius' Story

Angel Lifeday's

Cora - 05.02.2006 - Cora's Story

Julian Toby - 05.03.2012 - Julian's Story

Preston William - 05.03.2012 - Preston's Story

Drew - 05.06.2010 - Drew's Story

Stevie Cook - 05.08.2010 - Stevie's Story

Karinne Claire Larshus - 05.10.2010 - Karinne's Story

Oliver Thomas - 05.12.2010 - Oliver's Story


River - 05.06.2009 - River's Story

Paige West - 05.06.2012

Erik Richey - 05.15.1997

Jenna Cox - 05.18.09 - Jenna's Story

Tiffany Anderson - 05.20.2009

Austin Wells - 05.21.2001

Avery Carnell - 05.21.2001

Trinity Chumley - 05.22.2008

Dan Ashmore - 05.26.2003

Owen Bissing - 05.26.2011 - Owen's Little Warriors

Scott Boggs - 05.1999

Monday, April 1, 2013

April Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Jenna Marshal - 04.03.2004 - Jenna's Story

Beckett Elder - 04.07.2010 - Beckett's story

Zachary Peyton Beckner - 04.12.2004

Kael Rushworth - 04.12.2008 - Kael's Story

Austin Wells - 04.14.1992

Shane Babb - 04.18.1977

Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen - 04.22.2012 - Evelynn's Story

River - 04.30.2009 - River's Story

Angel Lifeday's

Josey Starr - 04.06.2010 - Josey's Story

Audrey Caroline Smith - 04.07.2008 - Audrey's story

Charlotte Ava - 04.14.2010 - Charlotte's Story

Chase Gabriel - 04.22.2011 - Chase's Story


Randall DeBruhl - 04.01.2011

Bree Haga - 04.01.2012 - Bree's Story

Nathan Scott - 04.03.1980

Trey Chatham - 04.04.2009 - Trey's Story 

Ashton Anderson - 04.05.2011

Jenna Marshal - 04.09.2004 - Jenna's Story

Elizabeth Smith - 04.14.2012

Zachary Peyton Beckner - 04.17.2004

Eli Cribb - 04.17.2012

Cade - 04.20.2011 - Cade's Story

Evelynn Augusta Rasmussen - 04.24.2012 - Evelynn's Story

Avery Lynn Canahuati - 04.30.2012 - Avery's Story

**If you would like to have your angel's information added, please contact me**

Friday, March 1, 2013

March Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Mike Pitts - 03.05.1951

Cora - 03.05.2008 - Cora's Story

Kalen Ginn - 03.06.1991

Erik Richey - 03.15.1981

Rykevious Coates - 03.18.1998

Kathi Johnson - 03.21.1961

Michael Weathers - 03.23.1979

Trey Chatham - 03.23.2009 - Trey's Story

Finley - 03.23.2012 - Finley's Story

Nathan - 03.27.1978

Savanna Dawn Bogue - 03.28.2010 - Savanna's Story

Miller Woodruff - 03.28.2011 - Miller's Story

Angel Lifeday's

Grant Patterson - 03.07.02

Amelia Rose - 03.11.2010 - Amelia's Story

Carleigh McKenna - 03.28.2009 - Carleigh's Story


Senior Airman Nick Alden - 03.02.11

Baby Green - due date 03.03

Faron Timms - 03.08.2012

John G. Santopietro - 03.16.2012 - John's Story

Sheldon Olsen - 03.17.2012 - Sheldon's Story

Jace Olsen - 03.17.2012 - Jace's Story

Caden Hall - 03.22.2011

Jerrold Mansel - 03.24.2012

Liz Logelin - 03.25.2008 - Liz's Story

Noah Elliott Watson - 03.26.2012

Finley - 03.26.2012 - Finley's Story

Addi - 03.30.2012 - Addi's Story

Will Alden - 03.31.2012

**If you would like your loved one's name added to the list, please contact me.**

Friday, February 1, 2013

February Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Bryce Caison - 02.01.2006 - Bryce's Story

Will Alden - 02.25.2010

Angel Lifeday's

Joshua Phillips - 02.08.2011 - Joshua's Story

Hadley Bufe - 02.27.2011 - Hadley's Story


Jared Rousey - 02.04.2011

Isabella Hope - 02.06.09

Shane Andrew Lindley - 02.04.12

Cora - 02.08.2009 - Cora's Story

Ainslee Ryan - 02.08.2011 - Ainslee's Story

Caleb Moody - 02.10.2012 - Caleb's Story

Shane Babb - 02.12.2010

Maddie Staats - 02.17.2011 - Maddie's Story

John Pearman - 02.19.2011

Cyndi Phillips - 02.21.2011

**If you would like to add your loved one's name, please contact me.**

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Liebster Award!!

Once again, I've been nominated by not one, but TWO of my awesome blog friends for the Liebster Award!  Crazy!!  This will be the 3rd (and 4th) time (first time here; second time here) I've received this award and I'm so glad that these ladies thought of me.

My first "nomination" came from Terin over at Modded Momma.  Terin and I have been online friends since our boys were babies.  We started on MySpace and it carried over to Facebook.  Terin and I share the fact that we have a boy and two girls.  All of our kids are close in age and I love being able to see her kids grow up through pictures.

My second "nomination" came from Hannah over at Sadie Mae's Mommy.  I originally met Hannah through Facebook shortly before she had her beautiful daughter, Sadie Mae.  I then had the pleasure of meeting Hannah in person and she is just as wonderful in person as she is on her blog.  She and I are both baby/child loss Mama's and she has been a huge support to me through my journey.  She's quite the inspiration anyway!!

Now onto the details of my award!

Liebster Award - an award passed around the blogging community for upcoming bloggers with less than 200 followers and/or for someone that deserves some recognition for their blogging.

THE (bendable) RULES:
- Each person tagged must post 11 things about themselves.
- They must also answer the 11 questions the tagger has set for them.
- They must then choose 11 bloggers to tag & award with the Liebster award (nominees must have less than 200 followers). These lucky bloggers must be told in a comment on their blog.
- They must create 11 more questions to ask bloggers they have decided to tag.

11 Things about Me:

1. I am tall.  Like 6'1" tall.  I love it while I was playing sports, but now I absolutely hate it.  Have you ever tried finding a pair of jeans/pants in a length long enough for me?  Yeah, not fun times!

2. I worked in the legal field for the last 12 years.

3. I'm addicted to three things.... Dr. Pepper - Luke Bryan - eCards.  Ha!

4. I need a lifestyle change.  I'm in a constant battle with my body.  I know what I need to do, but I have no motivation whatsoever.

5. I keep my mouth shut about things that really bother me just to avoid confrontation.  I'm afraid that once I starting "going off", I wouldn't be able to stop.

6. I look at my nephew, Jake and sometimes wonder why my son couldn't have just gotten cancer instead of dying.

7. I hate being alone, but the thought of having to have a conversation with "company" makes me cringe.

8. I have a hard time feeling sorry for people.  I feel that if I can force myself out of bed each morning, so can they.

9. I don't put everything I want to on my blog for fear of offending people and creating awkwardness between people I know in real life.

10. The necklace I received shortly after Erik died rarely gets taken off.  I think I can count on one hand how many times I've taken it off in the last 38 months.  I have a mild panic attack each time I take it off too.

11. I will never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever cut my hair off short again.  I loved it while it was short and maintained, but this growing it out process is the worst thing for my self esteem!!! Blah!!!

Questions for Me from Terin:

1. If you had a band, what would it be called? I have no idea!!! LOL

2. What's your all-time favorite book? All time?  Gah, that's a tough one.  Probably Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks.

3. What is one thing you can't live without? Dr. Pepper :(  I've tried, it ain't happening!!

4. What would you do if you won a million dollars? Pay off our debt and move out of SC!!

5. What's your biggest pet peeve? I have many, but the one that's been driving me up the wall lately is people who walk and drag their feet!!! Pick your damn feet up and walk!!!  

6. Do you have any phobias? spiders seriously freak me out.  Ick!!

7. If one song were to describe your life, what song would it be? The one that comes to mind right now is Gary Allan's newest song "Every Storm"

8. Define PEACE in your own words. I'm honestly still trying to figure the meaning of that out!

9. What are the three most important things in your life? Erik, Kaitlyn & Sienna

10. What do you do for fun? Concerts!!!

11. Your biggest lesson you've learned so far? Tomorrow is NEVER promised.

Questions for Me from Hannah:

1. What is your favorite book? see above :)

2. Have you ever read the entire Bible... either all at once, or in general? I have not.

3. How many hours a day do you spend on Facebook? Entirely TOO many.  I have it up all day long, but only 
check it randomly.  It's more out of habit than a necessity though.

4. If you could afford a live-in maid, would you hire one? Absolutely!!!

5. What is your dream car? Honda Pilot

6. Do you prefer to live close or far away from family? (And how close is close?) I prefer to live far away, but the furthest I've ever lived is 4 hours.

7. What is your all-time favorite song? Big Green Tractor!  Surprise! Surprise!

8. How did you find my blog? (If you remember.) from a link on Facebook.  I think it was Tara Prochaska's.

9. What is your go-to meal when you're rushed for supper? I don't really have a "go-to".  If I know we're rushed, 9 times out of 10, I go through a drive-thru somewhere.

10. Are you named after any of your relatives? No.  I'm named after someone from a soap opera.  LOL

11. What is your favorite blog? Ooh, this one is a tough one.  I read a lot of blogs.  Like last I counted, there were 300+ on my blog roll.  While I don't read every single post from every single blog, I do read most.  Having to pick a favorite blog is like trying to pick a favorite child.  I just can't do it!!

Now the questions for MY blog nominees:

1. Given the opportunity to tell someone who is no longer in your life something, what would it be?

2. Who is your favorite singer/band?

3. What about your favorite book?

4. What is your dream job?

5. In 3 sentences (or less) tell me about yourself.

6. What is your biggest pet peeve?

7. Do you prefer spring, summer, fall or winter?

8. What's the weather like where you are?

9. Do you have any resolutions for 2013?  If so, what are some of them?

10. What is your favorite thing to drink?

11. What is your favorite type of blog? 

And my nominees are..... (lol)

1. Becky at For the Love of Baby Liam 

2. Jess at On Second Thought 

4. Stacy at Baby Rachel's Legacy 

5. Jessica at My Baby Birds 

6. Kelly at The Boots Family

7. Elle's Mommy at Love Always Leaves A Mark 

8. Kristin at Our Life Through The Lens 

9. Shelley at Little Midwest Ramblings

10. Tesha at Tesha's Treasures

11. Brigette at A Blessed Life

Monday, January 14, 2013

He's a sneaky little booger!!

So, I told y'all that I had been going to a new church on Sunday nights.  NewSpring.  Well, this place is huge.  I'm talking tens of thousands of people attend each Sunday.  Kids under 11 are not allowed into "big" church, so they have special classes they go into.  Anyway, I check the girls into their class, they get their name tag and I get my "receipt".

Rewind to 01.13.13 and this is my receipt.  I noticed it as soon as it was printed and my heart skipped a beat.

The #7 symbolizes his number in baseball.
EQ = Erik Quarles

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Midweek Randoms

How about that - I've managed to blog more in the last week than I have in the last 6 months :)  Woo hoo!!!

Now onto some midweek randoms...

- I'm overly slightly obsessed with this man 

- I am so excited that Jason Aldean is coming back to SC in May.  I've decided that the girls are old enough to experience their first concert and I will be getting our tickets tomorrow!

- I'm glad the holidays are over and we're slowly getting back into a good routine.  The girls bedtime was out of control and now we're all paying for it because they are having to get up early for school.

- I've made up my mind that I need to get healthy.  All of the eating out and terrible eating has got to stop.  I've been pinning ideas on pinterest, but I've only gotten as far as making some of those flavored waters.  Straight lemon water is disgusting.  Next on my list to try is Sassy Water. We shall see how long that lasts!  

- Dieting sucks.  The end.

- I think I need a technology intervention.  I am way too dependent on Facebook, Instagram and my computer in general.  As soon as I get the girls in bed at night, the laptop comes out and I'll be on it until the wee hours of the night.  The week of Christmas when my internet was out was pure torture!!!!  I didn't know what to do with myself!

- I wish I could afford someone to deep clean my house.  I have a pretty clean house, but it's the stuff like blinds, curtains and baseboards that I wish would clean themselves.  Oh and while I'm affording that, I wish I could pay someone to plan out our meals and make the grocery list.  Trying to figure out different stuff to cook each week makes me want to pull my hair out.  Heck, I'll make it easy on my meal planner - I'll do the grocery shopping!  I actually like doing that!!

- Victoria's Secret was revealed this past Friday.  Her secret is - if you don't look like our models, don't try to shop here!!  I learned that lesson the hard way.  :(

- My Mama had another back surgery today.  Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers and she hopefully recovers fully and feels better.

- Jake also started radiation today.  He has to have 8 doses.  Please remember him in your prayers as well.  (BTW - have you like Team Jake Calvert on Facebook yet??)

- Speaking of Jake, I've put together another blood drive in his honor.  It'll be on February 8 in Ware Shoals.  

I think that's about for this week.  Funny how I went from Luke Bryan showing us "the move" to talking about a blood drive for Jake.  Guess that's why this is called Midweek Randoms!!

Hope y'all have a good rest of the week!

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

9 years

With today being January 1st, it brings about a lot of emotions for me.  Not only is it the beginning of a new year and new things to come, but it also symbolizes the beginning of my journey to becoming a mother.

9 years ago today, Kyle and I took a vacation to Myrtle Beach.  We had a hunch that I was pregnant, but I refused to take a test any where near my house.  My mother is too nosey and I just knew that she'd dig through the trash and find a pregnancy test if I were to take it while I was at home.  I know - silly me!

Anyway, we were laying in bed watching the usual New Year's celebrations on tv and I decided to take one of the HPT that I had bought earlier.  I did the deed and laid the test on the counter.  Nothing happened.  Turns out - I had missed the ENTIRE stick!!!!  To say I was slightly nervous would be an understatement.  I decided to try and relax and would just try again in the morning (January 1, 2004).  Kyle and I fell asleep before midnight that night - so much for ringing in the new year!!!

I can remember waking up around 3 a.m. on January 1st having to pee.  I went back to the bathroom and actually managed to pee on the stick.  It took all of three seconds for it to show two little pink lines.  In that exact moment, I fell in love.  I crawled back into bed with Kyle and whispered "we're gonna have a baby".

After we woke up for the day, I spoke with my Mama on the phone.  I had no idea how to tell my family I was pregnant.  I was scared to death to tell them actually because Kyle and I had only been dating for 3 months.  During the conversation with Mama, she started telling me about a dream she had had.  Now, keep in mind that she has NO idea that I'm pregnant.  She said she dreamed that I had given birth to a beautiful little girl that had a head full of black curly hair.  I was hitting the crap out of Kyle as she was telling me this because I thought she had some sort of psychic power or something.  How weird that she had this dream during the same night that I found out I was in fact having a baby!!!

My pregnancy was a big secret for a while.  We did tell Kyle's mama and my best friend Heather.  I knew that I had to tell someone because keeping it to myself was nearly impossible!!  I didn't tell my family I was pregnant until I was almost four months along.  They were so happy for us, but so mad that I didn't tell them sooner.


It's so hard for me to look back on that day in 2004 and not be heartbroken.  I could've never imagined in a million years that that little baby I carried for nine LONG months would only be mine for 5 short years.  He taught me so much in those 5 years.  He was and still is the love of my life.  He was my knight in shining armour and my soul mate.

I miss him so much.  So very much.  I've gone through the last couple of months in a complete fog.  It hurts so much to know that I'm getting further and further away from him - although on the other hand, it's also getting closer and closer until I see him again.

I'm trying to be optimistic about this year, but I can't help but think that this is the year that Erik's little sisters become older than he ever was.  I just pray that my grief goes easy on me this year.  I know that there are going to be a lot of triggers and I'm hoping that I can embrace them and enjoy the fact that my girls ARE doing things that Erik never got to do.

Please continue praying for me!

It's January 1st!!!

Happy New Year everyone!

My number 1 resolution this year is to be a better blogger!  I have been horrible the last few months and my mood shows it!  :/

I hope that each of you had a wonderful night last night.  As for me, the girls and I were asleep in my recliner by 10 p.m.  But if the way I closed out 2012 is any indication of what 2013 will be like, I'll take it.

Both of my girls - cuddled in my lap. Yep, that's good enough for me!

Here's to 2013!!

January Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Dustin May - 01.03

Derrick Jones - 01.06.1978

Caleb Moody - 01.06.2005 - Caleb's Story

Ellie Lauree - 01.15.2010 - Ellie's Story

Shane Lindley - 01.19.2011

Maddie Lanway - 01.30.2006

Angel Lifeday's

Liam - 01.03.2011 - Liam's Story

Trenton James Weatherford - 01.05.2010 - Trent's Story

Baby Knapp - 01.13.2012

Sadie Mae Norris - 01.18.2011 - Sadie Mae's Story

Jonathan - 01.24.2012 - Jonathan's Story

Baby Olivia - 01.25.2011

Christian - 01.26.2007 - Christian's Story

Emily Faith - 01.26.2011 - Emily's Story

Angel Navaeh Abney - 01.27.2011


Adam James - 01.11.11 - Adam's Story

Emma Longstreet - 01.01.2012

Sully - 01.11.2011 - Sully's Story

Tripp Roth - 01.14.2012 - Tripp's Story

Macie Barton - 01.25.2011 - Macie's Story

Aaron King - 01.26.2012 - Aaron's Story

Anthony Frank Grasso - 01.29.2012


**If you would like your loved one's name added to the list, please contact me.**