9 years

With today being January 1st, it brings about a lot of emotions for me.  Not only is it the beginning of a new year and new things to come, but it also symbolizes the beginning of my journey to becoming a mother.

9 years ago today, Kyle and I took a vacation to Myrtle Beach.  We had a hunch that I was pregnant, but I refused to take a test any where near my house.  My mother is too nosey and I just knew that she'd dig through the trash and find a pregnancy test if I were to take it while I was at home.  I know - silly me!

Anyway, we were laying in bed watching the usual New Year's celebrations on tv and I decided to take one of the HPT that I had bought earlier.  I did the deed and laid the test on the counter.  Nothing happened.  Turns out - I had missed the ENTIRE stick!!!!  To say I was slightly nervous would be an understatement.  I decided to try and relax and would just try again in the morning (January 1, 2004).  Kyle and I fell asleep before midnight that night - so much for ringing in the new year!!!

I can remember waking up around 3 a.m. on January 1st having to pee.  I went back to the bathroom and actually managed to pee on the stick.  It took all of three seconds for it to show two little pink lines.  In that exact moment, I fell in love.  I crawled back into bed with Kyle and whispered "we're gonna have a baby".

After we woke up for the day, I spoke with my Mama on the phone.  I had no idea how to tell my family I was pregnant.  I was scared to death to tell them actually because Kyle and I had only been dating for 3 months.  During the conversation with Mama, she started telling me about a dream she had had.  Now, keep in mind that she has NO idea that I'm pregnant.  She said she dreamed that I had given birth to a beautiful little girl that had a head full of black curly hair.  I was hitting the crap out of Kyle as she was telling me this because I thought she had some sort of psychic power or something.  How weird that she had this dream during the same night that I found out I was in fact having a baby!!!

My pregnancy was a big secret for a while.  We did tell Kyle's mama and my best friend Heather.  I knew that I had to tell someone because keeping it to myself was nearly impossible!!  I didn't tell my family I was pregnant until I was almost four months along.  They were so happy for us, but so mad that I didn't tell them sooner.

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It's so hard for me to look back on that day in 2004 and not be heartbroken.  I could've never imagined in a million years that that little baby I carried for nine LONG months would only be mine for 5 short years.  He taught me so much in those 5 years.  He was and still is the love of my life.  He was my knight in shining armour and my soul mate.

I miss him so much.  So very much.  I've gone through the last couple of months in a complete fog.  It hurts so much to know that I'm getting further and further away from him - although on the other hand, it's also getting closer and closer until I see him again.

I'm trying to be optimistic about this year, but I can't help but think that this is the year that Erik's little sisters become older than he ever was.  I just pray that my grief goes easy on me this year.  I know that there are going to be a lot of triggers and I'm hoping that I can embrace them and enjoy the fact that my girls ARE doing things that Erik never got to do.

Please continue praying for me!