Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Pictures say a 1000 words.

The last two days, I've been trying to express how I feel about my girls becoming the same age and now older than their big brother.

Words just can't seem to express how I feel.

To the outsiders, my girls becoming this age is no big deal.  But to baby/child loss Mama's, it's a huge thing.  I don't know a single BLM who didn't acknowledge the same milestone with their younger children or rainbow babies.

This hurts, but yet needs to be celebrated.

This is a joyous time, but yet I've cried more in the last 3 days than I have in the last year.

This is a time to celebrate a milestone, but yet also a time to mourn my son.

Doesn't make much sense does it?  Yeah, welcome to my world.

I wanted to share something today that I've never shared with many people.  I want you guys to be able to see my feelings.  I can sit here and talk about how bad I hurt until I'm blue in the face.  I can tell you guys how bad it hurts to have one child in the ground, but still have two others at home.  No amount of words will EVER be able to convey my true feelings.

Until today (possibly).
You wanna experience my reality for half a second?
Read on.



This is my reality.






Life.
Today.
5 years, 2 months, 17 days.






vs.








Death.
5 years, 2 months, 17 days.




This is real.  This is what I struggle with every. single. day.

Loving and mothering my living daughters while still grieving my dead son.

I've yet to find the balance.

I try so hard to celebrate their milestones instead of comparing them to milestones that Erik never reached.

It's hard.  It's so hard.

I should be the mother of three LIVING children.

I shouldn't know what it's like to live this life.

I wish that I were still oblivious to child loss and tiny caskets and burial plots and memorials and remembrance ceremonies and songs that remind me of death and the smell of funeral homes and the sirens on rescue vehicles.

But I'm not.

I buried my child and this is my life.


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

They are older now.

Another dreaded (yet celebrated) milestone....

They refused to stand beside each other.  Ha!
Today - my girls are officially older than their big brother.

Definitely a bittersweet day.

I'm just thankful that they still don't understand how important yesterday and today are/were.

When I got home from work yesterday, I was a nervous wreck waiting on them to get home from daycare (Kyle picks them up).  The second they pulled up, I felt like a ton had been lifted off of my shoulders.  I could see Sienna's little face light up and she started waving when she saw me.

Relief.

I stood on the porch and hugged them as tight as I could.  

They were home.  Safe and sound.  And alive.

I silently shed some tears and they were none the wiser. 

I chose not to work out last night and just soaked up the extra cuddles from my girls.  They sat in my lap for a long time just watching their shows on tv.  I debated letting them stay up late, but decided against it because I knew I would pay for their lack of sleep.

They went to bed and I hugged them a little tighter for a little bit longer than usual.

We survived 5 years, 2 months and 15 days.




Monday, July 15, 2013

The same, but so much different.

Today.

Today is the day that I have dreaded for a very long time.  

Today, my sweet little girls are 

5 years, 2 months and 15 days old.  

The same age their big brother was when he left this Earth.

I can look at them and see so much of him.

They are so much like him, but even more different than he was.

Obviously.

They are my daughters.  He was is my sweet son.

Sienna has his silly personality and in my opinion looks JUST like him.

Kaitlyn has his loving nature.  Most people think she looks just like him.

She definitely has his ears.  Bless her sweet heart. ;)
07.15.13

I thought that I would be a blubbering mess today.

But, I'm not.  Not yet anyway.

The anticipation of the milestone is always harder than the actual day.

Double - edged sword, I suppose.

Today.

Thankful.

Blessed.

Grateful.

For the 5 years, 2 months and 15 days.


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

July 10, 2013

I was looking back through some of my last posts and realized that there is a LOT to update everyone on. Unfortunately, my mind can't go there now. I honestly wouldn't even know where to start the updates, so I'm gonna start my "first" post in the present. I may go back and fill in details as I can.

Today is July 10, 2013. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that this year is already half way over. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!?!? Weren't we just ringing in 2013??? Yeah, I thought so!

As most of the people involved in my life know, I've been off of Facebook for a while. I deactivated a couple of months ago and although I miss my online friends like crazy, I have no intentions of logging back on. Facebook was my go to when I got bored or needed busy hands. I would love to say that I've replaced it with something meaningful, but who am I kidding?! Instagram moved right on in after Facebook moved out! (PS - do you follow me? Do you want too? If so, it's acq9104!) I post lots of cute pics of my girls and my #throwbackthursday posts are reserved for my sweet boy. I post a lot of other random crap too - like pics from the gym and quotes that inspire me. Sorry to disappoint those that were looking for something exciting. I've yet to get on the instavideo bandwagon - granted, I have posted a few videos, but I can't stand the way I talk, so it's very unlikely that I'll ever do a "selfie"!

Anyway. Moving on.

I mentioned that it's July. This is the time that I've dreaded since losing Erik. This month, the 15th and 16th to be exact, are two days that I have been counting down to since I kissed Erik goodbye. Monday, the 15th is hard for obvious reasons. But what isn't obvious about those days is the fact that my sweet little girls will be the same age as their big brother. The 16th marks the day that the baby sisters become older than their big brother. My anxiety has been through the roof for the last couple of days and it wasn't until the other night at the gym that I realized why. It fell on me like a freaking brick and I lost all motivation to do anything at the gym. I packed my gym bag up and walked as fast as I could to my car. Once in my car, I blared my music and cried the whole way home. The first two weeks of EVERY month are hard. The 15th is ALWAYS hard. Knowing that everything from here on out will be "new" to me is extremely hard and emotionally draining. I should know what to expect from a child that is 5 years, 2 months and 16 days old considering I'll have a 9 year old come September. But when your 9 year old is eternally 5, all of this stuff to come will be new to me.



So today, I’m asking for your prayers. I need them more than I ever have. Pray for peace in the days (and months) to come. Pray for my heart. Pray that my anxiety doesn’t overtake my entire body and make me go crazy. Pray that I’ll get to experience life with little girls who are able to turn 5 years, 2 months and 16 days old.

July Birthday's and Angelversaries


Angel Birthday’s

Ashton Anderson - 07.09.2003

Corinne Moll - 07.12.2011 - Corinne's Story

Bree Haga - 07.14.2009 - Bree's Story

Makenzie Rye Webster - 07.18.2009 - Makenzie's Story

Trinity Chumley - 07.24.2006

Aaron Powell - 07.26.1994


Angel Lifeday's

Matthew - 07.02.2005 - Matthew's Story

Thomas Patrick - 07.14.1998 - Thomas' Story

Amelia Grace Lorang - 07.28.2010 - Amelia's Story



Angelversaries

Pierce Olsen - 07.12.2011 - Pierce's Story

Rykevious Coates - 07.14.2005

Lucia Rae Morrison - 07.22.2007 - Lucia's Story

Monty Whitemoon - 07.27.2010




**If you would like to add your loved one's name, please contact me.**