Monday, October 31, 2011

More poems and quotes

"These tears don't make me weak. They mean that I still love you, remember you, and wish you were here. I would gladly cry forever, to never forget.”

"Dear Lord, I would have loved to have held my baby in my lap and tell him all about you, but since I didn’t get the chance, will you hold him on your lap and tell him all about me?" 

"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!"

October 31st

I can't believe that today is the last day of October.  Today marks the beginning of the worst time of my life.  2 years ago today we visited Kyle's grandpa for the last time.  3 days later, he was gone.  I am so thankful that I made the decision to keep the kids out a little later on a school night so they could see "Papa".

16 days from today, I said goodbye to my sweet Erik as I walked away from him in the ER.  Needless to say, the next couple of weeks are going to be VERY hard for me.  I felt like this year would be just a little bit easier since it's the second year, but just the opposite is true.  Everything about this year has been harder.  A LOT harder.

Anyway - last year in November, I posted each day about something I was thankful for.  I plan to do the same thing this year.  It really did help me concentrate on what I still have instead of finding a hole to crawl in and mourn what I have lost - although I could probably still do that too.

I hope you'll come back each day and see what I have to be thankful for....

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Another Poem

I recently reached out to some other mom's who have lost a child/ren to see if they had any encouraging quotes/scripture/poems that I could use to memorialize Erik with on his 2nd Angelversary (which is coming A LOT quicker than I would like).

Someone offered this poem and I love it...

It isn't letting go
It's going on.
It isn't only shadows
And it isn't only dawn.
It isn't getting through it
It's letting it come through me
Not living in the darkness
Though the darkness I can see.
It's living with the sorrow
But finding memories sweet,
It's knowing that it takes both sides 
To make it all complete.
It's soaking up the sunshine
Along with the rain
It's learning to let laughter
Live side by side with pain.
It's knowing that the years 
Won't change a love that's real
Or take away the joy you brought
Or the sorrow that I feel.
It's knowing tears and laughter
Can live on the same face
And your impression on my heart
Can never be erased.

Do y'all have any others?

Halloween 2004 - 2009

As I was getting dressed for work this morning, I looked at the pictures on my bedroom wall and there is a picture of me and Erik during Halloween when he was not even 2 months old yet.  That got me to thinking - I need to create a collage of his costumes over the years.  This is what I came up with...

(Left to right: Erik dressed in a Halloween onesie (I wasn't fond of dressing my newborn up); 4 years old as Spiderman (the girls were little devils and the other 2 fella's are my nephews); 1 year old as a monkey (definitely my favorite costume); 5 years old as a bullrider; 3 years old as a firefighter; and 2 years old as a chicken.

Dear Erik:

Halloween is right around the corner and I can only imagine what you'd wanna be this year.  Everything for boys is so different and you would've had a plethora of costumes to choose from.  I promise you that I'm going to try my best to enjoy Halloween for your sisters, but Bud, I miss you so much that it's hard to enjoy anything.  I love you with all of my heart and soul!!!


PS - Thanks for painting that beautiful rainbow the other morning.  I needed that more than I realized!! 

Saturday, October 1, 2011


For the person that bashed my parenting on my "Help" post.... You could've at least had the balls to include your name!!!!!

I'm doing the best that I know how and until you've walked 5 minutes in my shoes, shut up and stay the hell away from my blog!!!