Thursday, January 27, 2011

Life Isn't Fair

I feel numb. The grief of losing Erik has taken over my body again and I feel like I'm lost. Lost in a world full of people who have moved on. Lost in a house full of the people I love the most. Lost in a sea of friends who are always offering their shoulder to cry on, but not knowing how to accept their shoulder. My heart hurts. My body hurts. My mind hurts. My children are suffering because their mother has semi-stepped out of their daily living. My husband is suffering because his wife isn't physically, emotionally or spiritually available. Being around people is the only way I can keep it together, but having people around me is the last thing I want. I want to be alone. I want to be able to get pissed off or angry or mad and not have anyone witness it.

I feel guilty. Because I'm still pissed off that my son was taken from me, I have zero patience. No patience for my oldest daughter who is going through a stage that I can't figure out. No patience for my husband who just wants to know what to cook for supper. No patience at my job. No patience for my mother. It's not fair. I'm finding that out more and more. Life isn't fair. This isn't something that I was taught growing up. I was a spoiled child and had everything I wanted. How come my parents didn't teach me that life wasn't fair?

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't question the path I'm on today. Deep down, I know that EVERYTHING would be different if my sweet Erik was still on this earth. I would still be in school working my way towards becoming a kindergarten teacher. Erik would be excelling in school and on the ball field. My girls would be in love with him and think that there was nothing better than their big brother. He would just be annoyed by them. Erik would be racking up on money from the tooth fairy and would've hopefully learned to tie his shoes and ride a bike without training wheels by now. He would be begging for it to snow again because he just didn't do enough doughnuts on his 4 wheeler the last 2 times it snowed. And ultimately, I truly feel that Kyle and I would still be separated if not already divorced. Our marriage was basically gone before Erik passed away.
But the reality is, my girls only know their brother in pictures and videos. They have no memory of him actually being here and playing with them. They have no memory of the clown that he use to be and no memory of just how much he really loved them. They have no real memory of his laugh or his voice. I feel like my girls have been cheated because of Erik dying. I don't put forth the energy as a mother with them like I should or did with Erik. They don't have the same Mama that Erik had. I'm quicker to fuss at them or just flat out ignore them. I find myself wishing that they would just stop talking for 5 minutes so I could have some quiet time. Then I hate myself for wishing that. I'm constantly comparing them to Erik. On those days when the comparison's are at their highest, Kaitlyn & Sienna have no chance of pleasing me or doing anything right. What kind of parent does their innocent two year old's that way? ME! I know that each of them are their own person and that they will never be Erik. I know this. But yet, I can't stop doing it.

I just long for the day that I will be whole again...


Lindsay R Golden said...

I'm crying. I remember what an amazing Mama you were with Erik... I remember watching you sit in the living room and clean up two billion little blocks without complaining & it made me feel guilty that I would be yelling at my boys and telling them to do it themselves. I remember you pulling over in the median to be sure that every one of the kids were buckled, I would have just kept driving & not thought of doing that. I remember seeing the love in your face when he made you laugh. Even then, before I had any idea that Erik would pass, I knew that you loved him more than any parent I had ever seen. You are a good Mama to your girls too, Ashley. I'm sorry that you have to feel these things, and I can't pretend to understand... I don't think you'll ever be whole again without him, but I hope that the empty space will eventually become easier to bear. Love you!!!

Anonymous said...

Ashley....You are sooo right that life is not fair....I wish that you never had to deal with this...never experience this...I do know that you are a very loving mama to Erik & the girls! Do not ever question that! You are broken bc you lost your son...your first child that stole your heart....that is understandable....I don't believe the girls will suffer...they will understand when they are older....yes it does suck that they only truely know him in pictures and video....but those of us who knew him will be so detailed with them when we speak of him that they will know him...I am positive that if he was here he would fight with them but also love on them...their is no doubt that he would be a star on the field and off...I can't say that I know how you feel bc I don't but I am here for you always even if I have to sit in another room while you cry if you don't want me to see your tears.....This morning on my way to work....I looked at the sky and thanked Erik for the pretty art work that I am sure he and God put on our sky....I love you lady and I am here forever! ~ Love Angie