Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Baby Doll

I can feel my grief coming on stronger the closer it gets to Christmas. I'm angry. I'm mad. I'm pissed off at the world. I take it out on all the wrong people and the smallest things put me over the edge. This morning was proof of that.

The girls woke up an hour earlier than they usually do. I heard Sienna's little feet going down the hall at 6:05 a.m. I called out to her and she said she was looking for Daisy (our cat). I knew in that instant that today was going to be a rough day. I begged Sienna to come get in bed with me - even though it was technically time for me to get up. Before she could get in bed good, Kaitlyn started crying. I think she was dreaming because when I got in her room, her eyes were closed and I couldn't make her "snap" out of it for a few seconds. She continued to whine. I told Sienna to lay back down in her bed because I had to take a shower. She refused. I told them to do whatever, but that I was getting in the shower. Kaitlyn continued to cry.

By them getting up earlier than usual, I was completely thrown off of my morning routine. Kaitlyn crying for almost an hour straight while I was trying to get ready could've contributed to that too. I finally got everyone dressed only to realize that I hadn't started the car. It's 17 degrees outside, I'm late for work and the car is basically frozen. I give it about 10 minutes to warm up and then we make our way outside. The car is still frozen and I can't see out of the windshield. We sat in a freezing car for about 10 minutes until the windshield was clear. I drove the 35 minutes to daycare, still no heat. I've got 2 little girls saying that they are freezing in the back seat and I can't do anything about it. The drive to school wouldn't be complete without Kaitlyn having a complete meltdown. This morning, she chose to pitch a fit because I wouldn't cover her baby doll up. I was driving. I was late. My nerves were shot. I refused to be distracted yet again by a baby doll. Kaitlyn wouldn't drop it. I continue driving, trying my best to ignore her. I finally can't take anymore and I pull the car over. I go around to Kaitlyn's side and demand that she get out of the car if she is going to continue to cry. She looks terrified. I tell her that I've had enough of her crying and that she can either stop crying or she can get out. She begs me one last time to cover her baby doll up. By this point, I was ready to scream. I gave in and covered the baby doll up and shivered my way back to the driver's side. Kaitlyn never shed another tear. We get to daycare and I barely have enough time to say goodbye. I make sure to give each girl a kiss and tell them that I love them. I get back into a freezing car and make my way into work almost 30 minutes late.

Do I realize what I did to Kaitlyn was wrong? Absolutely. Could I have solved the whole meltdown by covering up a baby doll? Sure could've. My anger over having another Christmas without Erik overtook me. I didn't care what I was doing. I didn't care that I was arguing with a 2 year old child. I didn't care about anything. I was mad. I am mad. I was angry. I am angry. I am still heartbroken over it and I'll admit, there are times that I get mad at the children I do still have because I don't have their brother. It's completely unfair to them. I know that. I hate myself for taking anger/frustration/sadness out on them.

Today when I go to pick them up, I'll hug Kaitlyn a little tighter and apologize for being mean to her. She'll hug me back and probably not even remember what I'm talking about. My girls are my life. I would be 6 feet under if it weren't for them. I put too much pressure on their young lives to hold me together. I don't know what else to do. How do you repair something that can't be repaired? How do you tell someone to move on when part of their being wants to stay in the past? I'm tired of putting on a show for everyone. I'm tired of having to plaster a smile on my face when all I wanna do is scream and cry and punch something. My body is exhausted.

1 comment:

Heather said...

I have never in my life been in such awe as I am right now. It takes a very self aware person to go through the stages of grief as you are, and to recognize and validate the feelings as they are happening. I think many people think that after the first year is over that someone can move on but when it comes to death and especially the death of a child, timelines are irrelevant. You are allowed to grieve in which ever way you can, and should not be forced to make others happy by pretending you are ok. You shouldn't have to cry nonstop to show people that you are not ok. Others will hopefully never be able to comprehend you loss and therefore have no say as to what actions and emotions are appropriate.