Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Allison over at Motherhood, WTF? wrote in her latest blog "I'm so sick and tired of fighting all the time, of the constant vigilance I have to keep with L, the nonstop battles over every little thing all day long every single day. It's just too hard. It feels so unfair sometimes. LIke I was given the wrong child. This kids needs a better mother - someone with more patience and kindness. I give up. Hello, Universe? You made a mistake. You didn't give me a challenge I could rise to, but one that has totally destroyed me. Please check your records and make the appropriate adjustments."
OMG I couldn't agree more with her!!! This is exactly the way I've been feeling here lately. Little Miss Kaitlyn Della is trying me and her daddy in EVERY.SINGLE. way possible. She talks back. Sasses us and her sister. Blatently ignores us. She's rude. She's mean. And so much more. Kaitlyn has basically been a handful since the day she was born. She's always needed more attention than my other 2 kids and has always tried to be in control of everyone around her. Granted, we should've nipped all these problems in the bud early on, but you have to understand one thing - having 3 kids, 2 of which are twins, is HARD!!! I felt like I was devoting all of my time trying to "correct" Kaitlyn and was neglecting my other children. I decided to give in just a little with Kaitlyn so there wouldn't be so many battles with her throughout the day. WOW!!!! Wrong decision to make!!! She has only gotten worse over the last year or so. She's found her defiant personality and she is RUNNING with it!!!
September through the end of the year is the hardest time of the year for me. So many events and so many "lasts" put me on the verge of an emotional breakdown. Kaitlyn only intensifies all of this for me. Last night, I was at my wit's end with her. She was exhausted. She was ill as a hornet when she woke up yesterday morning and it only proceeded to get worse. The entire amount of time that I'm able to spend with my girls was spent fussing at Kaitlyn yesterday. She cried when I took her to school. She was whining when I picked her up. She sassed and talked back the ENTIRE ride home (an hour ride mind you!). She expected me to carry all of the crap she insists on taking with her to daycare. I refused and that caused her to throw an all out hissy fit. I still refused. I tell them in the morning that if they can't carry whatever toys (junk) that they wanna take with them, then they need to pick something to stay at home. That is something that I don't budge on. Anyway. To my point...
Last night, we told the girls that they were going to eat supper, take a bath and head straight to bed. They weren't going to be allowed to watch their nightly cartoons and there would be no playing. We put them in bed shortly before 8 p.m. Almost 2 hours later, we are still fussing at Kaitlyn and trying to get her to sleep. She has been talking, playing, crying, going potty - you name it, she's tried it - just so she won't have to go to sleep. I had finally had enough and I let my emotions get the best of me. I was over fussing yesterday and I just wanted her in the bed, asleep and out of my hair for the night. Finally after a lot of screaming and yelling and tears, she was asleep. This was at 10:15 p.m. or so. Let's not forget that we have to be up and out the door by 7 a.m. during the week so I can get to work on time. UGH!!! I was not happy last night. At all.
After I sat back down from all the rucus with her, I got to thinking. Not only have a buried a child, I have an overly defiant child who is sure to drive me into the crazy house. This is NOT fair. I should be cherishing the time I have with my living children and not be spending that time fussing and disciplining and being the "mean" mommy that I get called about 500 times a day. I felt like shit last night after I had been so harsh on Kaitlyn. I felt like a failure as her mother and I couldn't believe I had acted the way that I did. I criticize parents who treat their children the way I did last night. I get mad when parents complain about their kids like I was doing last night.
If my life is all God's big master plan, why in the hell did he take my only son AND give me a daughter that I obviously don't know how to handle. The stress of losing Erik plus the stress of Kaitlyn is about to do me in. Top that off with the idiots I deal with on a daily basis and I feel like I'm drowning.