Monday, November 8, 2010

The Past

I hate living in the past. I hate it with a passion.

Then my son died....

The past is all I have with him. There is no present. There is no future. I can't simply forget about the past because that would mean leaving him behind. I NEVER want to forget about him. I am constantly looking at his pictures and remembering when and where they were taken. I love watching videos of him so that I can hear his country twang.

He had the cutest "accent" I've ever heard. I can remember one time when he was making Kyle a card for something - father's day or his bday - and he came in the living room where I was and asked me how to spell "Daddy". Well, at the time, he was learning how to sound words out and spell them, so I told him to sound it out and spell it the way it sounded. Leave it to my little country boy to sound "Daddy" out and come up with "D-E-D-D-Y". He did exactly what I asked him to do and because he was so country, he spelled it exactly the way he said it. That boy could always make me smile!

Me and the girls were watching videos of Erik last night and they just giggled and giggled and kept asking to watch another video. They love talking about their brother and they love me telling them stories about him. As they are getting older, I can see Erik in them more and more each day. Sienna has his little fishy kissy lips. She also has his shy personality. She always blooms into a real clown once she gets to know you. She is passive like he was and is never one to argue about anything. That's why all the cousins love playing with her and I guess that's why Kaitlyn has been taking advantage of her and being mean to her lately :( Kaitlyn has his loving personality (when she's not ganging up on Sienna bug). She loves to cuddle and give kisses. She has his imagination and his independent side. I think both of them have his temper!!! Sienna doesn't act out much, but when she does, you better watch out!! Kaitlyn on the other hand is a fireball ALL the time! That's exactly the way Erik was. Me and him clashed a lot, but for the most part, he was a great kid!

A week from today will be one year since I last seen my baby boy alive. This has been the roughest year of my life. I've suffered more in this last year than any mother should ever have to suffer. I've held my emotions in because "outsiders" don't know how to handle a grieving mother. "Outsiders" won't even talk about my boy. "Outsiders" like to pretend that nothing ever happened. Well, something did happen. I lost my first born child. I lost my sweet boy who was only 5 years, 2 months and 15 days old. I lost part of my heart. I lost part of my soul. And for those "outsiders", I am going to continue talking about my boy. If that makes you uncomfortable, tough. Do you think it's comfortable for me when I have to tell someone that yeah, I have 3 kids, but one of them lives in heaven now. TRY THAT ON FOR COMFORT!!!!!!!

I am fed up with hiding my hurt. I am HURTING!!!! My heart is broken and there isn't a damn thing in this world that can make it better.

As far as my past, present and future - I plan to continue moving forward, but most of me was lost in the past.

1 comment:

Heather said...

You have a HUGE support group who love and care about you. Every time I hear about you going to a birthday party for a boy it breaks my heart because I know that's one more time you have fake it for those around you. I love you!