Monday, August 22, 2011

Struggling

It's no secret that I've been having a really hard time lately - or maybe it is.  I know it's not for me.  Between turning another year older, kids Erik's age returning to school, Erik's birthday, Erik's angelversary, Thanksgiving and then Christmas coming up - I'm pretty much hating life right about now.

Along with this really hard time I'm having, I have zero patience for ANYTHING.  My girls annoy me beyond anything ALL the time and here lately, I feel like all I do is fuss.  Kaitlyn is in the talking back stage and Sienna is in the "all I wanna do is watch tv stage" and she won't do anything else.  Period.  She'll take a bite of food and get down to see what's on tv.  She wakes up asking to watch tv.  I pick her up from school and she's asking to watch tv when we get home.  I have no problem with her watching tv.  I love tv myself, but when I've told her a million and three times to pick her toys up or get her clothes off so she can take a bath or stop watching tv and eat - it has gotten pretty old.  Yes, we've turned the tv off and hid the remote.  Unfortunately, she knows how to turn it back on.  It's gotten to the point of her pitching a royal fit when she can't watch tv.  I'm at my wit's end with it.  I've had enough and if you're in our house at any given time, you can tell I'm run out of patience!

Kaitlyn is literally a pain in my ass.  She back talks.  She throws things.  She has full on tantrums when she doesn't get her way.  She aggravates Sienna to the point of Sienna fighting back.  She's rude.  She's loud and she's a brat.  She doesn't like to be woken up in the morning for school and doesn't like going to bed at night.  I fuss at her from the time she's awake until she finally goes to sleep.  It's gotten old.  Well, actually it's been old for a few months now, but I've tried to handle it because I feel awful fussing at my kids when I beg for the one child I miss more than anything to be given back to me.

What kind of selfish bitch am I to beg my living children to be quiet for 10 minutes so I can think when I would give anything to hear Erik's voice again.  What kind of parent am I for spanking my living children when I would do anything to take Erik's spankings back.  What kind of Mom am I that locks the bathroom door so I can take a shower in peace when I'd give anything to have chaos that comes with 3 children back.  What kind of parent am I?  I'm a normal grieving mother is what I am!!

Most people seem to understand this.  The one person who should understand more than anyone else doesn't give a damn that I've had a rough day and need a moment of peace.  He doesn't give a damn that I've fussed all day.  He doesn't give a damn that all I want to do is fall into a deep, deep sleep and sleep the rest of my life away.  He doesn't care that I want more than anything for him to wrap his arms around me and tell me that it's ok.  He just flat out doesn't care.  Sure he pretends to care when people are around.  He loves for people to think that he's this great husband who is so in love with his wife.  When in reality the only thing he's in love with is alcohol.  He thinks that since he works hard, he deserves to wind down with a few (too many) beers after work.  He thinks that since he provides for us that he can treat me anyway that he wants to.  He thinks that since he cooks supper when he gets home from work that he can make fun of me and the cooking that I don't do while he's around other people.  He belittles me.  He disrespects me.  He does not love me - no matter what actions he displays in public.

He played golf all afternoon yesterday and had the nerve to tell me that I needed to lighten up and stop fussing at the girls so much.  Hmm, easy for him to say considering that he's spent about 1/4 of the time with them that I have in the last 2 months.  He even had the nerve to tell me that since I was so tired of fussing all the time that maybe I didn't deserve to have children.  Yep, he said that.  Although he probably won't remember because he was so hammered that nothing mattered when he got home from the golf course.

I'm sick of everything at this point.  I wanted so bad to get up from the kitchen table while I was being degraded and just leave and never look back.  I promised my child before I laid him in the ground that I would do whatever it took to make it work with his dad.  I've given everything that I can and I just can't do it anymore.  He has pushed me to the point of no return.  He couldn't redeem himself now if he tried.  There is so much hurt and pain and resentment in my heart because of the last 8 years....

Question is - where do I go from here......





2 comments:

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. My husband and I definitely have our ups and downs. Sorry that you husband isn't being more supportive or understanding to you, it's not fair. Men don't seem to understand that women grieve differently AND for along while...we are sensitive, especially after losing a child. A normal mom loses their patience...a grieving mom still loses her patience, it's normal and for him to not understand that is crazy. I hope things get better for you, I am definitely thinking of you.

Tiffany said...

I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time. It's hard enough to go through this, but to not have a supportive partner makes it that much harder. I went through a long period of irritability with Max after Ellie passed away. Sometimes I still find myself being annoyed with normal two year old actions. And your right, grieving or not, every mom loses their patience. Keeping you in my thoughts!