Wednesday, August 15, 2012

I'm listening.

Originally scheduled to post on August 15, 2012

This post is going to come off sounding like I have completely fallen off the deep end, but I want to document it just so I won't forget it happened.

Yesterday - 08.14.12 - a friend of mine, Beth, messaged me on Facebook saying that she had told her sister-in-law about Erik.  She told me that her SIL had said that Erik had came to her.  She relayed these messages to me from her sister-in-law that were from Erik.  They make absolutely no sense to me right now, but I'm hoping that they eventually will.  (And so my blog readers aren't completely confused, Beth lost her husband a year ago tomorrow - 08.16 -  in a very tragic accident.  Most of what Beth is saying is directly copied and pasted from her sister in law, but I've italicized for easier understanding)

Beth:
I was asked to deliver a message to you. I'm sure you'll understand it.
his exact words is...tell mommy to quit crying he's not hurt anymore..it hurts him to see her cry when hes still there with her..
he's with dustin
he said dustin watches out for him
I asked my SIL to see if she could get anything from him. She saw him as around Makayla's age.
He calls Dustin, Uncle Dustin. He's actually been showing Dustin what to do
I got it backwards. Explains why I've been feeling Erik though.

Me:
Are you serious?!?!?!

Beth:
I'm copying and pasting what she's saying to me.
you need to stress to her she can talk to him like normal..and i know its hard but she has to quit crying so much she tries to hide so no one sees but he does..she needs to focus on happy memories
memories..sorry

Me:
oh my goodness

Beth:
All I told her is how Erik died, and that you want him to visit you. This is what she's responding back to me.
he knows she misses him, but he really cant go forward til she does..he misses her making him a plate for dinner..but knows he really cant eat its like he wasn't ready to die...and still wants to be treated like hes alive
he knows but then he's still a child

Me:
are you talking to her now or no?

Beth:
Yes

Me:
My heart is racing crazy fast

Beth:
do you understand the dinner thing?

Me:
Not really

Beth:
You make the girls dinner plates?
I'm assuming he sees you making everyone else's dinner and wants his made too.
I know lots of people probably tell you this, and I don't mean it in the way they tell you, but in order for Erik to move on you have to as well. And I don't mean forget about him, it's like accepting that he can go on and do more, for other people, like Dustin. You just have to trust he'll keep coming back.
I've had to come to that realization recently.

Me:
How do I do that though?

Beth:
if you figure it out let me know
Your grief and journey is different than mine. I KNOW Dustin wants me to move on and be with someone else. He told me physically before he ever died. So it's "easier" for me to understand. I really can't help with Eric and that pain.

Me:
Right now I'm REALLY struggling with Erik's birthday coming up
I have been doing a celebration, but this year, I just can't get it together
But then I feel guilty for not doing something to celebrate Erik

Beth:
It's something you have to dig down deep and find yourself. Ask Erik to help you. give you peace. Pray to God. Which is hard I know...but you got to trust.
Make a cake. That's it. Make a cake for just you and the family. No one special.
My one year mark is Thursday, two days. I am incredibly calm about it.

Me:
I know. You should be getting a card from me soon. Today or tomorrow probably.
My anxiety is through the roof with Erik's birthday being a little over 2 weeks away
Ask your SIL what he wants for his bday...

Beth:
I can imagine. Mine is just a couple days after his
I asked. May take a minute (meaning day or two) to get a response. It's not that easy for her. She can ask but they don't always answer. It's more like they just tell her stuff.

Me:
ok

Beth:
lol I'd call her, but then I can't copy and paste and I don't want to screw any message up. She's a slow typer LOL
the crying is what he hates...he wants to see her happy and smiling when she thinks of him..he feels like she is drowning in grief..like it makes her sad to think of him ..its messing with him bad
tell her balloons...i dont know what the dinner plate is about ..i kinda think he wants to be "real" not a ghost
tell her i see red and bright color balloons i dont know where..
he said she will know..go with her first instinct
tell her if she can afford it to take a few of his close friends out to eat and talk about all the fun things they did together..

Me:
I still don't get the dinner thing. Am I really suppose to fix him a plate?!

Beth:
No I don't think so. I think he wants a dinner plate because he wants to be alive, but knows he can't. It's what he misses most. Having dinner.
kind of closure just go with it dont force the subject and make her or them feel creepy
^^ thats for the friends dinner
kinda get with their moms and do some kind of outing or something that doesn't feel weird and like death
go with your instincts

Me:
the only thing with that is he didn't have many friends because he wasn't in school that long...

Beth:
I don't know. She doesn't really "get it" either. She's just relaying what he's telling her.

Me:
Hmm, ok. I was trying to think what it could mean, but I can't figure it out either.

Beth:
Sometimes they talk circles, and you gotta figure it out.
at least you have a while to stew over it

Me:
All of this is a little overwhelming to say the least!

Beth:
LOL tell me about it. I get it ALL the time.
I KNEW Erik was around though. I think Alex plays with him. He keeps telling me he has a friend.
One thing I've learned is, they can only be in one place at a time. and they go where they feel they are needed.
It's a lot to take in.

And if all of that wasn't a lot to take in.  I get a text from my Mama last night.  She had back surgery last week and has been in the Rehab Hospital for a week now.  She has been real emotional from being down there and everything else going on.  Last night, she said she was crying and upset when her nurse came in to check on her.  The nurse asked questions and I guess Mama just started spilling info out.  The nurse then went on to tell Mama that she had a brother named Erik or Eric (I don't know which way it's spelled) and that she (nurse) will be 33 today - on the 15th.  

I stopped believing in coincidences on November 15, 2009.

These two things just prove to me that Erik is all around me.  I'm just having a hell of a time opening up and seeing it. 

My sweet darling boy - 

I have to be honest here.  I have no idea what you're trying to tell me.  All of this is new to me and I'm sorry I'm so slow to learn.  Please keep talking.  I'm listening.

I love you to the moon and back!!

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