Wednesday, August 15, 2012

33 months

I don't have much to say outside of the stuff that I've been saying for the last 33 months.

Life without Erik sucks.

This month is especially hard because it leads up to September.  Erik would've been 8 years old on September 1st.

I spend the first half of August dreading today and the second half dreading a birthday without my first born child.

I hate this life.  I hate the roller coaster that I'll be on for the remainder of the year.

School starting.

Erik's birthday.

Remembering all the "last's" during October.

And then the dreaded month.

Then Christmas.

I wish I could just fast forward to January.

I just hate it.  I'm tired of being sad all the time.  I'm tired of being unable to have a peaceful night of sleep.  Which leads to be tired from lack of sleep.  Which leads to be pissy at anyone that crosses my path.  Which leads to me feeling guilty for taking my grief out on innocent people.

See the cycle?!  Fun times I'm telling ya.

For the last two years, I've had Erik's celebration completely planned out by now.  This year, I haven't even thought about what I'm going to do for his birthday.  If I do anything at all.  I had big ideas, but I tucked those away because I feel like the majority of the people in my life could care less about celebrating my dead child.  My husband has no input.  And everyone else in the family is pre-occupied with their own lives to probably even notice that Erik's birthday is 2 weeks away and they've yet to hear anything about any sort of celebration for him.

I went all out last year.  I was highly disappointed with friends and family who either didn't show up period or came for 5 minutes and left because they had better things to do than celebrate a dead child.

I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt because everyone around me has moved on.  I'm tired of feeling like I either have to bring Erik up or he won't be brought up at all.  My heart can't take the added heart break.

Hell, I may even decide to spend Erik's birthday at his grave alone.  I just don't see the point in asking people to be present, when I feel like they should just be there.

Add to it the fact that his birthday is Labor Day weekend and I can't even be bothered with expecting people to celebrate him when I know they probably have other plans that involve celebrating with people who are still alive.

So yeah, that's where I'm at today.

33 months into this hell and I feel like i just lost Erik yesterday.

I'm angry.

I'm bitter.

And I fucking hate that my child is not here!!!


brigette said...

I'm so sorry mama!! I hear you here. It's hard when it seems no one else wants to bother. Remembering Erik with you.

Lisa Sissons said...

I know that I never met Erik, but I care that he isn't here and that he doesn't get to grow up. I care that you feel sad and like your life still doesn't make any sense. I care that you feel like everyone around you has moved on, and you still feel the pain as fresh as if you lost him yesterday. I care because I understand.

I will light a candle for Erik on his birthday.

Ashley said...

I feel everything you mention. It's horrible that our son's aren't here. I think of you all the time ((hugs)) and so glad that I have "met" you on here!