Midweek Randoms

~  The hubby started a new job yesterday.  I pray that it works out better than the last one.  Will you please pray with me?!

~ Erik's birthday is this weekend.  Saturday to be exact.  I can't believe I'll have an 8 year old!

~ The last couple of months have sucked.  We have been struggling financially, mentally, emotionally - basically in every way possible.  Add birthday's and anniversary's and I've seriously thought about throwing in the towel.

~ Kaitlyn & Sienna are absolutely loving school and daycare.  I look at them and can't believe I have two little girls in school.  Kinda bittersweet considering I'll never do this stage again.

~ I finally went back on medicine for anxiety/depression.  Life was becoming way too much and I just couldn't deal without medicine anymore.  Say what you will, but meds can be lifesavers.  Literally.

~ I would love for all my nieces and nephews, along with my girls, to get together for family pictures.  I have the perfect spot in mind and also a family friend willing to let us borrow his John Deere tractor.  I just smile thinking about how perfect those pictures would be as gifts.  Now to get everyone on board for that...

~ I desperately want to be able to fit into clothes that have been in my closet for a while.  Too bad I don't do diets or exercise.  Wonder if wishful thinking would take the extra weight off?!

~ My sister in law started her graduate school work this past weekend.  She is a student at Belmont University.  I am so proud of her determination and will to make herself better.  (although I'm really hoping that once she gets this masters degree under her belt she can convince my brother that it's time for kids!!)

~ I've almost convinced myself to let my hair grow back out... We'll see if that actually happens when I get to that awkward stage though.

This Week

How in the world is it already the last week of August?!  Weren't we just ringing in 2012?!?!

The last week of August usually indicates the last week of summer and the beginning of fall for most people.  It means a long weekend with the Labor Day holiday and one last hoorah on the lake with friends before it's time to pull out the hoodies, jeans and boots.

Or at least that's what it meant to me...

...3 years ago.

The last week of August today means that Erik's birthday is right around the corner.

Labor Day weekend for me this year means a weekend spent celebrating my child who is no longer here.

I'm definitely thankful for the long weekend as it means I won't have to take time off of work to mourn my child who can't celebrate his birthday.

This weekend, my little family along with a few others will gather at Erik's grave to release balloons and sky lanterns.  I don't expect a big crowd as I've accepted the fact that not many people want to celebrate a dead child.

I'm no where near ok with that, but it is what it is.  I will continue to celebrate Erik.  From now until the day I die.

Please pray for me this week and throughout the remainder of the year.  This week is just the beginning of the hell that I have to live through the rest of the year.

Sometimes and Always

I kinda fell off of the Sometimes and Always bandwagon... Oops.  Blogging has taken a back seat to life, but now I think I'm back. Yay!

Anyway - linking up again today with Megan for



Sometimes: I wake up thinking that today is going to be a good day.

Always: I realize that you can't have rainbows without rain.


Sometimes: I think about how crazy it is for me to be so upset that family members forgot Erik's birthday and made other plans and won't be at his celebration this weekend.

Always: He's my little boy and I will celebrate him regardless of who's celebrates with us.  The way I see it... it's their loss!


Sometimes: I feel like I can't take one more morning of having to fuss at two 4 year old's to get up and get ready for school.

Always: One of them will spot a really small flower in the parking lot at school and give it to me.  I instantly felt all the stress of the hour before melt away.

Sometimes: I really wish I could fast forward from August to January.

Always: I suck it up as usual because I couldn't imagine my girls having to skip Christmas.

Say Nothing Saturday!

Twins much?!

First Day of School!!!

08.20.12

I can not even believe I’m titling a blog post this.  How can my little babies be old enough to start school?!

They have been so excited to go to big girl school and seeing the excitement in their faces has definitely be good for my heart – even though I knew this day wasn’t going to be easy.

Both girls got up without a fight this morning, which I was so thankful for!  They got dressed and ate breakfast and were ready to go before 7 a.m.  I hadn’t quite planned for that!  I expected to be rushing around and running late!  The only time I had any trouble out of them was when it came to taking pictures.  Kaitlyn didn’t want to smile because she said we got her up to early and she wasn’t ready to smile.  Drama much?!

She ended up changing her attitude when she remembered the sign she was going to get to hold when I was taking their “ready for school” pictures.

We were so early for school that I had time to go through town and fill my car up with gas and then we sat in the car for a few minutes once we got to the school.  The girls were so excited to get out and go in, that I finally just took them early. 

Their back packs are HUGE!!  And of course Kaitlyn is trying to take hers off because she didn’t want to walk in front of me so I could take their picture.

Their teacher had hall duty so she was waiting out in the hall for them.  We unloaded all of their supplies and managed to snap one more picture before I left them for the day.

They hugged my neck like they had been doing this school thing all their lives.  I didn’t want to let go, but I knew the quicker I left, the easier it would be on all of us.

I got to the car and lost it!  :( I was so upset that I was dropping my babies off for big girl school, but more than that, I was upset for what I didn’t get to do.  I should’ve been able to walk Erik into his first day of 3^rd grade.  I should’ve been able to embarrass him in front of his friends by demanding he give me a goodbye kiss.  Instead, all I have is short time in Kindergarten to remember.  It hurt even more that Kaitlyn & Sienna’s class is directly across from the classroom where I walked Erik into three years ago.  Such bittersweet moments.

One day at a time.  That’s all I can do.

I teared up off and on during the drive to work.  And it seemed that the 2 hours and 50 minutes the girls were in school were the longest minutes of my life!  I was a nervous wreck thinking about them getting on the daycare bus without me and then riding with complete strangers to a strange place.  I honestly don’t think I took a breath until I knew they were at the daycare safe and sound!  Luckily, a friend of mine who works at the daycare called me and let me know that they had gotten there and were doing great.  Such a relief when fears are eased!

I also got a phone call from their principal, who is also a great friend, that the girls had a great first day.  So reassuring!

Anyway – I made the girls take an after school picture for comparison’s sake…

I have never been more excited to see these precious faces as I was today!  Kyle got off of work before I did, so he went and picked them up from daycare.  I waited on the front porch until they got home and started with my questions as soon as opened the truck door.  Bless ;)

The funniest part was when I asked Kaitlyn about the bus ride and she said “Mama, we tried to buckle up, but the school bus didn’t have seatbelts.  We didn’t see no policeman and we didn’t wreck.  How about that?!”  It was hilarious!  Sienna didn’t really have much to say other than she had fun and wanted to do it again tomorrow.

Here’s to hoping Day 2 is as easy as Day 1 was!! 

Growing up!!

08.18.12

We’ve been talking about taking the training wheels off of the girls bikes for a couple of weeks now.  I’ve been putting it off because Erik never learned to ride a bike without training wheels and my heart wasn’t ready to let them do something he hadn’t done yet.

I finally got a hold of my emotions and Kyle took their training wheels off tonight after Alyssa’s birthday party.

They did amazing and I couldn’t have been more proud!!

Thank goodness for big open fields!!  I can’t wait to see how long it takes them to really get the concept of riding a bike.  Kyle and I told them that once they get it down that they’d get new bikes – Sienna already has one picked out at Walmart!  Ha!

Last Day at Mrs. Deborah's

08.17.12

For the last two years, Kaitlyn and Sienna have been in an in-home daycare close to my job.  I, along with the lady that cared for them, knew that the day would come would they would start public school.  I don’t know about Deborah, but that day came a whole lot faster than I was prepared for. 

It seems like my girls should still be those little two year olds walking around in diapers and sporting the two-paci look.  It’s hard for me to believe that they are students in 4 year old kindergarten.  :(

I had to take two different pictures because Calli isn’t there when I get there in the afternoons.

Kaitlyn and Sienna’s official last day at Mrs. Deborah’s

Poor Zach didn’t stand a chance.  He’s been the only little boy for a long time!!!

We’re definitely going to miss Mrs. Deborah.  She is one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met and I couldn’t have picked a better person to take care of my girls.

Happy Birthday, Alyssa!

Today my sweet little niece is 3 years old!!!

Alyssa Leigh - 

You have been a little fireball since the second you came into this world.  Although it can sometimes make you a handful, I hope you never lose that spirit!!!  I love you like you are one of my own children and I just love the way your eyes light up when "Sashy" walks into a room.  I love you more than you'll ever know!!

August 18, 2009
She came out looking JUST LIKE big brother, Jake.

Breaks my heart that she'll never know who this is...

My girls and I meeting Alyssa for the first time
Look how little Kaitlyn & Sienna are!!!!

Blonde-hair, blue-eyed 1 year old :)

Alyssa at 2 years old

LOVE those blonde curls!

Beach bums

Alyssa and her "Sashy"

Team Jake!

Best buds!

All 4 of the girl cousins 

Happy 3rd birthday beautiful girl.  Sashy, Kyle and the girls love you to the moon and back!!!!!

Say Nothing Saturday!

Instagram Link-Up (1)

I decided after my last monthly Instagram dump that I take waaaaaay to many pictures to do a huge monthly post.

Thank goodness I found Liz's blog!  She does a weekly Instagram link - up and I think this is going to be a much easier way to share my instagram pictures with you guys.

She's already on Week 11, but this will be my first link up.

Clockwise:
Sunset 08.15.12
My beautiful brown - eyed boy
Clouds 08.16.12
Rainbow peaking through the clouds 08.14.12
Remember Erik
Me and what makes my world go round - Kaitlyn & Sienna

I'm listening.

Originally scheduled to post on August 15, 2012

This post is going to come off sounding like I have completely fallen off the deep end, but I want to document it just so I won't forget it happened.

Yesterday - 08.14.12 - a friend of mine, Beth, messaged me on Facebook saying that she had told her sister-in-law about Erik.  She told me that her SIL had said that Erik had came to her.  She relayed these messages to me from her sister-in-law that were from Erik.  They make absolutely no sense to me right now, but I'm hoping that they eventually will.  (And so my blog readers aren't completely confused, Beth lost her husband a year ago tomorrow - 08.16 -  in a very tragic accident.  Most of what Beth is saying is directly copied and pasted from her sister in law, but I've italicized for easier understanding)

Beth:

I was asked to deliver a message to you. I'm sure you'll understand it.

his exact words is...tell mommy to quit crying he's not hurt anymore..it hurts him to see her cry when hes still there with her..

he's with dustin

he said dustin watches out for him

I asked my SIL to see if she could get anything from him. She saw him as around Makayla's age.

He calls Dustin, Uncle Dustin. He's actually been showing Dustin what to do. 

I got it backwards. Explains why I've been feeling Erik though.

Me:

Are you serious?!?!?!

Beth:

I'm copying and pasting what she's saying to me.

you need to stress to her she can talk to him like normal..and i know its hard but she has to quit crying so much she tries to hide so no one sees but he does..she needs to focus on happy memories

memories..sorry

Me:

oh my goodness

Beth:

All I told her is how Erik died, and that you want him to visit you. This is what she's responding back to me.

he knows she misses him, but he really cant go forward til she does..he misses her making him a plate for dinner..but knows he really cant eat its like he wasn't ready to die...and still wants to be treated like hes alive

he knows but then he's still a child

Me:

are you talking to her now or no?

Beth:

Yes

Me:

My heart is racing crazy fast

Beth:

do you understand the dinner thing?

Me:

Not really

Beth:

You make the girls dinner plates?

I'm assuming he sees you making everyone else's dinner and wants his made too.

I know lots of people probably tell you this, and I don't mean it in the way they tell you, but in order for Erik to move on you have to as well. And I don't mean forget about him, it's like accepting that he can go on and do more, for other people, like Dustin. You just have to trust he'll keep coming back.

I've had to come to that realization recently.

Me:

How do I do that though?

Beth:

if you figure it out let me know

Your grief and journey is different than mine. I KNOW Dustin wants me to move on and be with someone else. He told me physically before he ever died. So it's "easier" for me to understand. I really can't help with Eric and that pain.

Me:

Right now I'm REALLY struggling with Erik's birthday coming up

I have been doing a celebration, but this year, I just can't get it together

But then I feel guilty for not doing something to celebrate Erik

Beth:

It's something you have to dig down deep and find yourself. Ask Erik to help you. give you peace. Pray to God. Which is hard I know...but you got to trust.

Make a cake. That's it. Make a cake for just you and the family. No one special.

My one year mark is Thursday, two days. I am incredibly calm about it.

Me:

I know. You should be getting a card from me soon. Today or tomorrow probably.

My anxiety is through the roof with Erik's birthday being a little over 2 weeks away

Ask your SIL what he wants for his bday...

Beth:

I can imagine. Mine is just a couple days after his

I asked. May take a minute (meaning day or two) to get a response. It's not that easy for her. She can ask but they don't always answer. It's more like they just tell her stuff.

Me:

ok

Beth:

lol I'd call her, but then I can't copy and paste and I don't want to screw any message up. She's a slow typer LOL

the crying is what he hates...he wants to see her happy and smiling when she thinks of him..he feels like she is drowning in grief..like it makes her sad to think of him ..its messing with him bad

tell her balloons...i dont know what the dinner plate is about ..i kinda think he wants to be "real" not a ghost

tell her i see red and bright color balloons i dont know where..

he said she will know..go with her first instinct

tell her if she can afford it to take a few of his close friends out to eat and talk about all the fun things they did together..

Me:

I still don't get the dinner thing. Am I really suppose to fix him a plate?!

Beth:

No I don't think so. I think he wants a dinner plate because he wants to be alive, but knows he can't. It's what he misses most. Having dinner.

kind of closure just go with it dont force the subject and make her or them feel creepy

^^ thats for the friends dinner

kinda get with their moms and do some kind of outing or something that doesn't feel weird and like death

go with your instincts

Me:

the only thing with that is he didn't have many friends because he wasn't in school that long...

Beth:

I don't know. She doesn't really "get it" either. She's just relaying what he's telling her.

Me:

Hmm, ok. I was trying to think what it could mean, but I can't figure it out either.

Beth:

Sometimes they talk circles, and you gotta figure it out.

at least you have a while to stew over it

Me:

All of this is a little overwhelming to say the least!

Beth:

LOL tell me about it. I get it ALL the time.

I KNEW Erik was around though. I think Alex plays with him. He keeps telling me he has a friend.

One thing I've learned is, they can only be in one place at a time. and they go where they feel they are needed.

It's a lot to take in.

And if all of that wasn't a lot to take in.  I get a text from my Mama last night.  She had back surgery last week and has been in the Rehab Hospital for a week now.  She has been real emotional from being down there and everything else going on.  Last night, she said she was crying and upset when her nurse came in to check on her.  The nurse asked questions and I guess Mama just started spilling info out.  The nurse then went on to tell Mama that she had a brother named Erik or Eric (I don't know which way it's spelled) and that she (nurse) will be 33 today - on the 15th.  

I stopped believing in coincidences on November 15, 2009.

These two things just prove to me that Erik is all around me.  I'm just having a hell of a time opening up and seeing it. 

My sweet darling boy - 

I have to be honest here.  I have no idea what you're trying to tell me.  All of this is new to me and I'm sorry I'm so slow to learn.  Please keep talking.  I'm listening.

I love you to the moon and back!!

33 months

I don't have much to say outside of the stuff that I've been saying for the last 33 months.

Life without Erik sucks.

This month is especially hard because it leads up to September.  Erik would've been 8 years old on September 1st.

I spend the first half of August dreading today and the second half dreading a birthday without my first born child.

I hate this life.  I hate the roller coaster that I'll be on for the remainder of the year.

School starting.

Erik's birthday.

Remembering all the "last's" during October.

And then the dreaded month.

Then Christmas.

I wish I could just fast forward to January.

I just hate it.  I'm tired of being sad all the time.  I'm tired of being unable to have a peaceful night of sleep.  Which leads to be tired from lack of sleep.  Which leads to be pissy at anyone that crosses my path.  Which leads to me feeling guilty for taking my grief out on innocent people.

See the cycle?!  Fun times I'm telling ya.

For the last two years, I've had Erik's celebration completely planned out by now.  This year, I haven't even thought about what I'm going to do for his birthday.  If I do anything at all.  I had big ideas, but I tucked those away because I feel like the majority of the people in my life could care less about celebrating my dead child.  My husband has no input.  And everyone else in the family is pre-occupied with their own lives to probably even notice that Erik's birthday is 2 weeks away and they've yet to hear anything about any sort of celebration for him.

I went all out last year.  I was highly disappointed with friends and family who either didn't show up period or came for 5 minutes and left because they had better things to do than celebrate a dead child.

I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt because everyone around me has moved on.  I'm tired of feeling like I either have to bring Erik up or he won't be brought up at all.  My heart can't take the added heart break.

Hell, I may even decide to spend Erik's birthday at his grave alone.  I just don't see the point in asking people to be present, when I feel like they should just be there.

Add to it the fact that his birthday is Labor Day weekend and I can't even be bothered with expecting people to celebrate him when I know they probably have other plans that involve celebrating with people who are still alive.

So yeah, that's where I'm at today.

33 months into this hell and I feel like i just lost Erik yesterday.

I'm angry.

I'm bitter.

And I fucking hate that my child is not here!!!

Erik's Rodeo REMINDER!!

TOMORROW IS YOUR LAST DAY TO ORDER!!!!!

Shirts (short sleeve, long sleeve and hoodies), decals (car stickers) and bracelets (adult and kid sizes) are available for purchase.  If you're interested in buying anything or have any questions, please email me at eriksrodeo@yahoo.com.  All orders must be paid in advance.  Payments can be made via paypal once you submit your order to me.

I'll be collecting orders for a month, so you have until August 15th to get your order in!

Front of back of green shirt with yellow writing (the pic of the back is the actual color of the shirt - the pic of the front makes the shirt appear a bit darker than it is)

Front and back of orange shirt with purple writing

Front and back of purple shirt with orange writing

Yellow shirt with green writing

Cowboy - black outline

Tractor - green outline

Cowboy - woodgrain outline

Tractor - woodgrain outline

Green/yellow bracelet; orange/purple bracelet

Purple/orange bracelet

Say Nothing Saturday!

Imagine

Imagine for a second that you're riding home with me from work - back roads with minimal traffic, music blaring - namely Pontoon for the 1857453rd time, kids singing along in the back seat, us secretly watching them in the mirrors...

... sounds like lots of fun, huh?!  Well, typically it is.  Unless of course they ask to listen to Pontoon again.  I start to get a little aggravated after the 1857454th time.

Now, imagine our seemingly fun and interesting ride home turning into being behind one of these -

You, being my passenger, continue singing along and keep catching glances of two beautiful little girls laughing and singing in the back seat.  Seeing an ambulance probably wouldn't change a thing about your ride home.

Now, I want you to imagine that you're in my shoes for a little bit.

Imagine being behind an ambulance for over half of your hour drive home AFTER you've buried your child.

Imagine being behind an ambulance for over half of your hour drive home AFTER knowing your child took his last breaths behind those very doors that you find yourself staring at.

Imagine being so consumed by anxiety that you almost have to pull off the road just to catch your breath.

Imagine the relief you feel when the ambulance finally turns left and you're going right.  In that very instant, you realize that you really had been holding your breath that whole time.

All because an ambulance - who wasn't rushing to an emergency or transporting anybody anywhere - got in front of you.

This is just one of the millions of feelings I have to live through each and every single day.  Something as simple as an ambulance knocked the breath out of me.

You don't even want to know what an ambulance rushing to an emergency does to me...

Happy Birthday Annie!!

Today is my first little girls 10th birthday!!  She and I have been through A LOT together and I realized that the saying about a dog being a person's best friend was definitely true when I rescued her from the pound!

She was an itty bitty 2 pound baby when I brought her home...

I thought she may stay a lap dog, but I quickly realized that she was outgrowing my lap...

She fell in love when I introduced her to the swimming pool, but to this day, still HATES getting a bath - go figure!

Taking a dip in their water tub!

Clean water or dirty water - she doesn't care as long as it's water!

Her favorite things - a ball in the mouth and running through the water!

She's starting to show her age, but when she's up to it, she will chase a ball for-ever, as long as she has someone to throw it for her.  And don't worry, if she can't find her ball, she isn't afraid to go pull a tree limb down or a boulder and beg for it to be thrown!  She'll fetch bricks, limbs, balls, toys - anything really.  She just loves to fetch!

Annie is pretty much completely deaf.  It breaks my heart because she use to greet everyone that pulled up to our house.  Now, she just hangs out wherever until we get her attention by walking up on her.

I know that dog's don't live forever and I know that Annie is considered "old" for a dog, but the day she goes to Heaven will be pretty rough.  I can't even imagine not having Annie by my side!!

My 3 Girls!