Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Where am I?

I am 31 months, 26 days into my grief. OR 2 years, 7 months, 26 days OR 969 days...

No matter how you look at it, it's been too damn long since I lost my boy.

I had fully planned to do this post on Sunday - which is the actual 32 months to the day anniversary of losing Erik, but right now, I'm feeling kind of a LOT bitter.

I don't know when it happened or why, but all of a sudden today, I was overtaken by hurt, sadness, anger and heartbreak.  I know that another month is about to pass without Erik, but the last 4 or 5 monthly anniversaries have went by without much thought - if I'm being completely honest.  And I don't mean that in the "I didn't think about Erik" way, but in the way that means I thought I was beginning to cope with that day a little better.  Ha, yeah right!!!

That's the thing about grief.  Just when you think you've figured it all out, the ride comes to a screeching halt and throws you for 14 loops and then slings you backwards.

Hearing several of Erik's songs on the radio today could've triggered the tears.

Sienna waking up and demanding to wear jeans and boots in the middle of the hottest summer I can remember could've triggered the tears.

Summer, 2009
Jeans and boots prior to a swim break
Reading a good friends' FB post about her son and his baseball team winning the 8 and under world series could've triggered the tears.

May, 2009

Realizing Erik's 8th birthday is right around the corner and not a single plan has been made could've triggered the tears.

Truth is - I'll never know what really got me crying.  I just know that, as usual, it came out of nowhere and I've been pissy ever since.

As I sit here tonight, I really can't wrap my mind around the fact that women who've lost their children go on to live 20, 30, 40, 50+ years without their baby.  I've yet to make it to year 3 and I'm ready to throw in the towel.  The grief is unbearable, but the ups and downs are going to drive me nuts.

My grandparents - who have lived 40+ years without their first born son

I can't look at a calendar anymore without my eyes automatically falling to the 15th.  Which is crazy in itself because there will always be a 15th of the month.  It would be AWESOME if we could remove it from the calendar, but it ain't gonna happen.  And worse than the 15th is when the 15th falls on a Sunday.  Those days/dates together make me feel like I've got a knife in my chest and no matter how hard I struggle to breathe, I can never catch my breathe.  (Thank you July for being the 4th time that has happened this year!)

Every thing I have done since November 15, 2009 will always be known as the time after Erik died.  I can look at pictures and instead of thinking "that happened in June of 2007", my mind goes to "that was before Erik died".  Or when I look through our beach pictures from this year, I can't help but think how Erik only got to see the beach once, instead of twice like the girls experienced this year.  Or how I keep adding folders for pictures of the girls while my folder for Erik will never grow any bigger.  

The last picture I'll EVER have of my 3 children together.

I can't even buy a freaking gallon of milk without making sure it doesn't expire on the 15th.  Before Erik died, I could celebrate all 3 of my children turning another month older on the 1st of each month.  Now I celebrate 2 kids turning another month older and mourn the 1 that will never be another month older.

Wanna know something even crazier - I already dread a day that is over a year away from now.  July 16, 2013 will mark the day that the girls are officially older than Erik.  The thought of that alone is enough to  put me into a full on panic attack.  I try not to dwell on that day, but it's damn near impossible not to think about it every now and then.

A friend extended an invite to go on a cruise with her next year.  Kyle nor I have ever been on a cruise.  We've never been to a tropical island or on real honeymoon.  This trip would be perfect for us.  The boat is set to leave on November 3 and return on November 10 - the 2 weeks before Erik's Angelversary.  See what I mean about dates?!

There will come a point when the girls do more than Erik could.  There will be a time when they know more than he did.  There will be a time when they are 5 years, 2 months and 16 days old.

God, I pray that day comes anyway.

Don't worry, I know how crazy all of that sounds.  Trust me, I've re-read this post about 12 times and I have to smirk because it truly is crazy to find myself in the midst of this horrible, horrible nightmare.


This is my life.  My life without Erik.


SimplyHeather said...

I can't even imagine. I can try to though and it fills my eyes with tears. I am so so sorry. I know I just started following you and I know I can't do anything, but I'm here if you need somebody to just talk to.. My heart breaks for you about your loss. He was a beautiful little boy :(

Kelly said...

I am the same way about dates. I hate the 11th, and I hate when it falls on a Tuesday. I hate when I look at the clock and the minute is 11. 1:11 or 11:11 are even worse. I cringe at expiration dates on food. I was full-term with my daughter on April 10th, and I just kept thinking I CANNOT have her on the 11th. I thought I was the only one that did all this. Big hugs coming to you. I so understand.

Valerie said...

My heart just breaks for you. I just don't get why a mother should ever have to know this kind of pain. Erik is a lucky little boy to have you as his mother.

Jenny said...

I have no words of comfort, Ashley. But my heart breaks for you and I sit here with tears running down my cheeks reading your words. Erik's story reminds me how precious each moment is and how fleeting this life is...I am so very sorry that you are living this nightmare. Praying for you.

Shannon said...

Praying for you.

Amy (Nevaeh's Mommy) said...

I know how you feel,you are not alone.... thank you for sharing your feelings here,it makes me feel not so crazy

Kim said...

I am sorry you're having a rough go right now. It is so incredibly difficult to live each day without our babies, but then there are those days that are unbearable. Thinking of you<3

Helz said...

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. I didn't want to read and run. I empathise totally, and am the same with dates. I hate the 6th of a month especially if it falls on a Friday because my son gained his wings this day. I also dislike Wednesday nights, as my son would have been another week older. I am trying to live without my son too. It isn't easy. Lots of love to you and all of your beautiful children xx