Wednesday, May 23, 2012


30 months and 13 days ago I begged and pleaded for my son to come back to me.  I begged and pleaded with God to give me my child back.  I didn't care if he was severely handicapped or unable to do anything at all on his own for the rest of eternity, I just wanted him back.  I wanted 3 living children.  I just wanted to tell Erik goodbye when I was ready.

30 months and 13 days ago, I wept as my sister said the word cancer being a possibility for my nephew.  5 days ago, Jake was diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.  Over the last week, I watched as he went from being a semi-normal, just kind of sick 8 year old to being so swollen and in so much pain that he stayed asleep from all of the pain meds and anti-nausea meds.  Last Thursday (5/17), I was literally scared for his life.  We had no idea what was going on and just like a time lapsed video, we watched as his neck, face and chest got more and more swollen.  So swollen in fact, that his eyes were almost completely shut.  He was having a hard time breathing - even with a constant supply of oxygen.  I wanted to cry out to God yet again and ask Him why He was putting our family through this.  I wanted to know why my innocent nephew, who had already been through so much when he lost his best friend, was having to endure such pain and discomfort.

It was in this moment of raging at God for allowing Jake to hurt that I was also thanking him for taking Erik in an instant.  The thought of having my own son laying in a hospital bed and me not being able to take away his pain broke my heart worse than not being able to say goodbye before Erik was welcomed into Heaven.  I never had to watch Erik suffer.  I never had to see him gasping for breath as his own blood was overtaking his lungs.  I never had to see fear in his eyes.  I never had to see any of that pain.

Seeing Jake so sick has made me realize that God really did perform a miracle on November 15, 2009 - It wasn't the miracle that I begged and pleaded for, but He allowed my son to enter His kingdom quickly and He kept me from seeing something that would've surely haunted me a hundred times worse than it does now.

I would do anything to have Erik back with me, but knowing what I know now, I'm glad that the last time Erik saw his Mama, I was smiling and full of hope and love.  I'm thankful that his last breath was on God's timing and not on mine.

And that's all because of a little boy that is in the fight of his life.  A little boy who I love so very much and would do anything in this world for.  A little boy that has been a great reminder of who Erik would be now.  A little boy who doesn't deserve what lies ahead.  A little boy who will fight this awful disease that is taking over his body and he WILL win!!!!!!!!  Jake is a fighter - always has been and for him, losing is NOT an option!!


***According to my sister, Jake has had an awesome day today.  He managed to eat lunch and even get out of bed and walk around the oncology floor for a little bit.  He even sent me some random texts like he is known to do.  I know he is so ready for this weekend to get here so that he can sleep in his own bed in his own house with his own stuff.  He'll have another round of chemo on Friday and depending how well he tolerates that, he'll be released Friday afternoon or Saturday morning.  Please continue praying for Jake, Kelley, Shanon, Will and Alyssa.  The challenges that are being put onto them are going to be tough, but we as their family are going to do everything we can to help wherever and however needed.  TEAM JAKE all the way!!!!


Rachel said...

Such brave words! I am encouraged by your perspective... And I can reate! Thank you and will pray for your nephew!

Tesha said...

That was a powerful moving post! Beautiful written, I hear your heart. I will continue to pray for sweet Jake.

Shannon said...

I too have thanked God many times that Ethan passed quickly and didn't suffer, and that I didn't see the accident. We have friends with very sick children right now (one of which is battling cancer for the second time), and I just cannot fathom watching my child suffer in such a way. What you have written my heart has thought many times over the almost two years since Ethan met Jesus. God bless you! I've been praying for Jake, and will continue as often as I can remember. HUGS!

Ashley said...

This was very hard for me to read. I agree 100% with you but I just wish it all never had to happen. I guess I am still in a denial part of my grief (again.) Beautifully written, so glad that our children didn't have to suffer because that would be extremely hard as a parent to watch. ((hugs))

Ashley said...

Ashley - I guess I should've put the disclaimer in that if the result was ultimately going to be death whether it was in that instant or 5 years from now, I gladly accept the way it was. But if Erik would've been ok and able to live a normal life, I would've gladly taken a month or even a year of heartache if it meant he would still be alive.

It's such a fine line really. As I know you know. The only thing I know without a doubt is that Beckettt being gone and Erik being gone and now Jake being sick is SOOOOOOOOO unfair!!!!

Payton&Jake's Mommy said...

Wow... I can't imagine the hurt you all have going through this again. God is great and can and will heal Jake! Before my son passed away and was born still we said we were Team Jake, so that touches my heart. You are all in my prayers. <3 I sure hope that sweet boy gets released this weekend so he can be home and happy. :)

Jenny said...

I am, once again, moved by your words and in awe of your faith and strength. I will pray for Jake and your family...I am so sorry to hear that he is so sick. I can't possibly put into words how much that breaks my heart.