Sunday, January 15, 2012

Overwhelmed

Today sucks.  Why, you ask?  Well....

...There are usually 5 days out of 30 that I don't like during the 12 months of the year.  Every single Sunday and the 15th.

Today is SUNDAY, January 15th.

Could someone please go ahead and shoot me and put me out of my grief?!

26 l-o-n-g months ago, on this very day, I seen Erik alive for what would be the last time.

26 l-o-n-g months ago, my heart was ripped from my chest.

26 l-o-n-g months ago, I was whole.

Fast forward to today.  I am still very broken - mind, body & soul.  I long to be the mother I was back then so bad.  My girls deserve to have the mother that Erik had raise them.  They don't deserve this shell of a mother I've become.  I'm exhausted from going through the motions.  I'm exhausted from this huge act I've been putting on since I lost Erik.  I'm exhausted from pleasing everyone else instead of doing what is best for me.  I'm exhausted from having to explain myself to people I thought were friends.  I'm exhausted from keeping everything to myself.

I'm just fucking exhausted.  I want my son back.  I want the life I was living on November 14, 2009 back.  I just want to be normal again.


2 comments:

TerinAleah said...

I don't know what to say, Ashley, except I love you and I'm here if you need ANYTHING! :) And don't be fake... let it out. The people who are important will understand. *HUGS!*

Ashley said...

I totally get this...I am so sorry. It doesn't get easier does it :(