I Heard Your Voice

I heard your voice in the wind today
and I turned to see your face;
The warmth of the wind caressed me
as I stood silently in place.

I felt your touch in the sun today
as its warmth filled the sky;
I closed my eyes for your embrace
and my spirit soared high.

I saw your eyes in the window pane
as I watched the falling rain;
It seemed as each raindrop fell
it quietly said your name.

I held you close in my heart today
it made me feel complete;
You may have died…but you are not gone
you will always be a part of me.

As long as the sun shines…
the wind blows…
the rain falls…
You will live on inside of me forever
for that is all my heart knows.

~ unknown

VIA

I got an award!!!

Sadie Mae's Mommy, Hannah, gave me this blog award!!! Yay!! My first blog award.  I'm so excited!!

Liebster is German & means "dearest" or "beloved" but it can also mean "favorite." The idea behind the Liebster award is to bring attention to blogs with less than 200 followers.

As part of receiving the Liebster Blog award, one is to:

1. Choose 5 blogs with fewer than 200 followers to grant the Liebster Blog award to. 
2. Show appreciation to the blogger who gave you the award by linking back to them!
3. Post the award on your blog and link back to the blogs you have given the Liebster Blog award to so everyone else can pay them a visit! 


Now, the hard part!  I follow a LOT of blogs, so it's not going to be easy to pick just 5.  Bare with me as I try!!


1) An Unexpected Journey
Rachel and I have a lot in common.  I discovered her blog through a friend of mine who insisted that I read it.  Rachel and Cameron lost their beautiful daughter, Makiah, tragically in a car accident.  Rachel was pregnant with twins at the time and luckily she, along with the babes, survived the crash.  Her story is raw and real and it touches so close to home.  She and I are both set on making sure our girls know who their big sister (and brother) are.


2) The Broken Road
I'm breaking a rule with Tiffany's blog.  She has 212 followers, but I want everyone to know their story.  Tiffany and her husband, Dave, lost their precious Ellie Lauree at just 10 months old.  She was perfectly healthy one day and the next she was fighting for her life.  Tiffany and Dave are raising their son, Max, who is on the spectrum for Autism and they are also expecting twins this year!! 


3) Our Life... As Is
I fell in love with Ashley and her family the moment I started reading her blog.  I know you'll love her too!


4) La Dolce Vita
I have the pleasure of knowing Sandi.  She's the daughter of one of my co-workers.  Sandi is the sweetest and her blogs are always so fun to read.  Sandi and Chad are expecting their first little boy any day now.


5) A Little Monkey Business
I've been following Jen's blog for a while.  She has 2 precious children and she's always posting the most fun stories!


6) On Second Thought
This blog is written by 2 girls - one of which, I know personally.  Jess is a wonderful person.  She's beautiful, smart and a lot of fun to hang out with.  She has a sweet little boy named Leo, who is quickly approaching his first birthday and just recently announced her new baby on the way.


There are so many more blogs that I could post here, but I'm trying hard to stick to the rules!!  I hope you enjoy reading these blogs as much as I do!!

Confessions... Take 2

1) I'm slightly addicted to Dr. Pepper.

2) I wish I could wave a magic wand and be the weight and size I was before getting preggo with the girls.  The sad thing is, I know I could be that size again if I weren't so lazy when it came to working out. :/

3) My father supposedly has cancer and I have no desire to create a relationship with him again.  He burned that bridge a long time ago.

4) I wish that my girls' uncles were a bigger part of their life.  Neither of them know how much Kaitlyn & Sienna talk about them and it breaks my heart to see my girls "scared" of their own uncles because they don't see them near enough.

5) I secretly want another baby.  There are just too many cons to having another one right now though.

6) I'm bummed that I don't get to see my wonderful therapist this week.

7) I wish our church had a ladies basketball team.  I'm jealous that Kyle gets to play and I have to watch. :(

8) My dream job is to be a professional organizer.

9) I'd really like to pay someone to clean our house so that I could spend Friday's and Saturday's just being with my girls.

10) I'm still really upset about losing Whiskey.  I wasn't very nice to him right before he died because he had torn up something that belonged to Erik.  I will always regret popping his nose and butt over something that I was going to give away anyway.

Wordless Wednesday

Concert Re-cap

As most of you know, we had tickets to see Jason Aldean Friday night.  His show was hands down, the best concert I've EVER been too.  And I've been to a lot of concerts.  Luke Bryan opened for him and he didn't disappoint either.  He opened the show up with "Rain is a Good Thing" and from the time LB stepped on stage, I was on my feet.  I intended to stay that way until the lights at the Bilo Center came back on.  At some point during my standing, I obviously forgot that I was over 6 feet tall and that anybody shorter than that wouldn't be able to see over me.  We had nose bleed seats, so I thought I was safe until a rude gentleman tapped me on my shoulder and asked me to sit down so his daughter could see.  I unwillingly obliged.  I leaned over and told Kyle that they better enjoy the show now because I would NOT be sitting back down when Jason Aldean came out.  I sang my heart out and danced until it hurt to all of Luke Bryan's songs.  Not only can that boy sing, he is soooo very easy on the eyes.  I was fully prepared to divorce Kyle on the spot when he started dancing to "Country Girl Shake it For Me", then I remembered that Luke's wife is way hotter than me and he'd probably laugh at my proposal.  He's still hot and he can sing to me anytime that he'd like.  I definitely won't argue with him!!!

Mr. Aldean finally made his way onto the stage and everyone in the Bilo Center went crazy!!!  I think the only people sitting down were the people, who had obviously invested lots of time in Marlboro, sitting beside us.  A friend of mine on Facebook got lucky enough to snag the playlist of Jason's songs....

We won't even get in to how lucky she is!!

Anyway - I knew that he would sing Big Green Tractor.  It's his biggest hit.  I just didn't know when he'd sing it.  4 songs in and I heard the intro.  That's when I lost it.  I cried the entire song.  I mean I was boo-hooing and it was definitely an ugly cry.  My heart was breaking because Erik should be here.  My heart was breaking because the concert was almost 2 years to the day that Erik would've attended his first concert.  My heart was breaking because my son's biggest idle was singing HIS song.  I'm sure the people around me thought I was a complete nut-case, but I didn't care.  I cried and then cried some more.  The rest of the concert, I continued to tear up.  I couldn't help but wonder if Erik would be as enthralled by Jason Aldean as everyone else in that place was.  Jason never did mention Erik or anything along the lines of his story, so I was a little disappointed.  Regardless, I know as well as anyone that knows Erik that he (Erik) was and always will be Jason Aldean's biggest fan.

Me and Kyle before the concert started

Me and Julie during the concert

Me and Shannon

Luke and Jason singing right below us :)

After the concert was over, Kyle and I headed to the Blindhorse, which is a bar in Greenville where all the "country" folks go.  Rumor had it that Luke Bryan and Jason Aldean had been invited to stop by and neither of them had said they weren't coming.  There wasn't a parking space to be found at the Blindhorse and against my husband's advice, I parked in a "towing" zone.  I assumed (you know what they say about assuming!) that it meant towing would be enforced during business hours.  Er, wrong!!!! An hour later we were leaving the Blindhorse only to realize that we had no car to get back to our hotel. I was so pissed, but at the same time, I thought it was hilarious that this towing company was basically making bank on all the illegally parked patrons of this bar.  We hitched a ride with the brother-in-law's girlfriend and $75 later, we had the swagger wagon back.  Ugh!

Isn't it cute?!

We had to GPS our way back to the hotel because our car had been towed to the middle of nowhere in a part of Greenville that I had never been.  We finally made it back and crashed.  I slept like crap because I was terrified of oversleeping and missing the check-out time - weird, I know!!  I finally got into a good sleep around 7 a.m. only to wake up for the day around 10 a.m.  Kyle and I showered and headed out.  I couldn't go home until I went by Build-A-Bear and made my "Erik" penguin though.

The lady working the stuffing station probably thought I had lost it.  I could've told her my story, but I chose to keep it to myself.  I couldn't deal with the akwardness that would've came along with it.  I made my penguin, we got food and headed home to get our girls.  The rest of the weekend was spent being lazy and snuggling with my sweet girls.

Goodbye, Whiskey.

For those of you that follow me on Facebook, you may (or not) already know this, but last night, we had to tell another family member goodbye.

My heart is broken - again - and I've just about had all the grief I can handle.

Our sweet little Whiskey got under Kyle's truck and got ran over.  He died instantly.  I cried so hard for that sweet little puppy last night.  We have only had him for about 3 weeks, but he was so cute and so sweet.  He was a typical puppy and was set on tearing up anything and everything that he could get his puppy teeth into, but I loved that little mutt wholeheartedly and will miss seeing his little wagging tail every day.

RIP Whiskey River!

I promised Kyle (and myself) that I would not bring anymore animals into our home.  We love our pets way too much and we both agreed that we couldn't handle losing another one.  In the last year alone, we had to say goodbye to Woody, 3 kittens, Cowboy ran away and now Whiskey.

Heart.broken

Do's and Don'ts of Child Loss

I may have posted this before, but I can't remember.  I came across this list on Friday and thought it would be good to share it (again?).


When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a child, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

- Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

- Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

- Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

- Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

- Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

- Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

- Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

- Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

- Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times.

- Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

- Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

- Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

- Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

- Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

- Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

- Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

- DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Jason Aldean

It's no secret how much I love Jason Aldean.  You come to my blog and hear one of his best songs (if your sound is up) and I talk about how much Erik loved him all the time too.

Tomorrow night, Kyle and I will head to our 3rd Jason Aldean concert in 2 years.  We've made a promise to ourselves that we would be at all of his shows around us until we weren't able to go anymore.

I emailed the radio station that was giving away tickets to the show and told them about Erik and his love for JA.  I wanted nothing more than them to let Jason know that his biggest fan is at all of his shows.  Beth Bradley, the DJ, at the radio replied to me yesterday and said that she would be sure that Jason got my email and she would let him know about his biggest fan.

I would've loved to be able to tell Jason about his biggest fan, but since I can't, it makes me happy knowing that he at least will know about my boy.

I can't wait for this concert tomorrow!  Even though we just seen him in September, he puts on THE best show I've ever been too and it doesn't hurt that Luke Bryan is with him this time!!!!

Lots of fun will be had and I'll be singing Big Green Tractor at the top of my lungs like I ALWAYS do!!

I hope each of you have a great weekend!

Wordless Wednesday

Memorial Video

My best friend, Heather, made this video for Erik's funeral. 26 months later and I finally have the courage to watch it again.

http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DOwuqZNCQbGQ%26feature%3Dyoutu.be&feature=youtu.be&v=OwuqZNCQbGQ&gl=US

Overwhelmed

Today sucks.  Why, you ask?  Well....

...There are usually 5 days out of 30 that I don't like during the 12 months of the year.  Every single Sunday and the 15th.

Today is SUNDAY, January 15th.

Could someone please go ahead and shoot me and put me out of my grief?!

26 l-o-n-g months ago, on this very day, I seen Erik alive for what would be the last time.

26 l-o-n-g months ago, my heart was ripped from my chest.

26 l-o-n-g months ago, I was whole.

Fast forward to today.  I am still very broken - mind, body & soul.  I long to be the mother I was back then so bad.  My girls deserve to have the mother that Erik had raise them.  They don't deserve this shell of a mother I've become.  I'm exhausted from going through the motions.  I'm exhausted from this huge act I've been putting on since I lost Erik.  I'm exhausted from pleasing everyone else instead of doing what is best for me.  I'm exhausted from having to explain myself to people I thought were friends.  I'm exhausted from keeping everything to myself.

I'm just fucking exhausted.  I want my son back.  I want the life I was living on November 14, 2009 back.  I just want to be normal again.

Whiskey!

Our newest addition :)

Tonight

My facebook status says it all...

"Saturday, November 14th, 2009 - exactly 26 months ago - I kissed my son good night for the last time. If I'd only known what Sunday, the 15th, had in store for me, I would've held on a little tighter, gave him a few more kisses and said "I love you" about a million more times. If only......"

Tomorrow is doubly hard for me and according to the calendar, I'll have to endure 2 more "Sunday, the 15th". God, help me!!

So busy!

I had big plans for posting regularly during 2012, but with work being crazy busy this month and the lack of computer time I'm getting at home, I've failed miserably.  Maybe one day I'll have time to be a dedicated blogger.

Anyway.  It's only the 12th of January and I've had sooooo much going on.  Last week my boss asked me to accompany him to a 2 week trial during the last 2 weeks of this month.  We've had multiple birthday parties to go to.  I started therapy last week.  Kyle, along with some guys from church, have joined a basketball league at the YMCA.  We got a new puppy.  Add in 2 kids, husband, home, church, family and I have no free time whatsoever.  I'm surprisingly ok with that, but I would like the occasional break to just breathe.  Oh well.

Back to that 2 week trial I'm going too.  Yeah, it's 4 hours away and I'll be staying overnight.  Insert problem here.  There is absolutely no way I can go without seeing my girls for 2 weeks.  NO.WAY!  I asked my boss if they could go and he, of course, said yes.  Which led me to my next problem - I'll be in court all day during the week.  My girls can't stay by themselves.  This is where I really had to swallow my pride, my pain and my feelings.  I broke down and invited my mother to go with us.  I'm now wondering if that was a good idea.  I guess we'll see come January 22.  I'm really hoping that Kyle is able to get some time off from work so that he can come down for the weekend and we take a trip to the beach.  (we're only an hour away from the beach during trial week)

As I mentioned today is 01.12.12 - my sweet grandfather, Pop, turns 81 today.  As I've always said, he's one of the kindest, most giving people I know.  I am so lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I have.  So Happy Birthday Pop!!!! Me, Kyle, Kaitlyn and Sienna love you so very much!!!

Pop and Nanny at Erik's birthday celebration 09.01.11

Grieving Parent Resolutions

Came across this on The Compassionate Friends Facebook page...

This year I resolve to: 

1. Not to put a time limit on my grief. Loving someone means loving them for my life time whether 


they are physically present or not. 




2. Tell their stories, the happy and the sad they will live on through me.



3. Teach others that they cannot “make” me cry, tears are only an external expression of how I am 


feeling all the time. 

4. Understand that crying or otherwise expressing my pain is healthy and normal. “Doing well” means 

expressing my feelings. 

5. Understand that others will not understand my pain and it isn’t fair to expect them to do anything but 


listen.



6. Recognize that asking for help from those that love us is a really a gift that we give to them.



7. Help others, reaching out to others in pain will help me to heal.



8. Do something nice for myself everyday.



9. Know that if today I can not do everything that needs to be done, tomorrow is another chance to get 


it done.



10. Cry when I need to, laugh when I can and to not feel guilty about either one.



11. Let go, bit by bit, of the guilt, regret and anger that can be so damaging. 




12. Take a risk and let others into my life and heart. 




13. Take care of my physical, emotional and spiritual health.



14. Reinvest in life a little bit each day… 

I don't do Resolutions, so....

I've attempted making a list of resolutions, but I gave up on doing them about 10 years ago.

Here it is, a positive ‘to-do’ list for the upcoming year – 30 things to start doing for yourself:

1.     Start spending time with the right people. 

2.     Start facing your problems head on.

3.     Start being honest with yourself about everything. 

4.     Start making your own happiness a priority. 

5.     Start being yourself, genuinely and proudly.

6.     Start noticing and living in the present. 

7.     Start valuing the lessons your mistakes teach you. 

8.     Start being more polite to yourself. 

9.     Start enjoying the things you already have. 

10.  Start creating your own happiness.

11.  Start giving your ideas and dreams a chance. 

13.  Start entering new relationships for the right reasons. 

14.  Start giving new people you meet a chance. 

15.  Start competing against an earlier version of yourself. 

16.  Start cheering for other people’s victories.

17.  Start looking for the silver lining in tough situations. 

18.  Start forgiving yourself and others.

19.  Start helping those around you. 

20.  Start listening to your own inner voice.

21.  Start being attentive to your stress level and take short breaks.

22.  Start noticing the beauty of small moments. 

23.  Start accepting things when they are less than perfect. 

24.  Start working toward your goals every single day. 

25.  Start being more open about how you feel. 

26.  Start taking full accountability for your own life. 

27.  Start actively nurturing your most important relationships. 

28.  Start concentrating on the things you can control. 

29.  Start focusing on the possibility of positive outcomes. 

30.  Start noticing how wealthy you are right now. 

200?!?!?!

Questions that is!!!

Here goes!

200. My name is:
Ashley 

199. I was born in:
Greenwood, SC

198. I am really:
Bored

197. My phone is:

a POS

196. My eye color is:
Hazel

195. My shoe size is:
11

194. My ring size is:
um, not sure actually

193. My height is:
6'1"

192. I am allergic to:
Nothing to my knowledge

191. I was born on:
08.03.1980

190. I am annoyed by:

a lot of things :( , but mostly people who are lazy

189. Last book you read:
I started reading Nicholas Sparks' newest book and then I got distracted

188. My bed is:
in need of new mattress!!!

187. One thing you hate about yourself:

my midsection

186. One thing you love about yourself.

my eyes

185. Relationships are:
Difficult at time but mostly rewarding

184. My mother is:
quite the character

183. My father is:
not in my life

182. I want to:
find a better way to honor Erik

181. I can't stand it when:
I have people telling me how to handle losing Erik

180. Cheaters:
eh.... I've been cheated on and I've cheated, so I can't judge

179. My favorite Holiday is:
probably Christmas

178. The Perfect Kiss is:
from Kaitlyn & Sienna

177. The last three cds i bought were:
I haven't bought a CD in years!!!

176. Worst musician ever?
there are a few that grate on my nerves

175. Are you living at home?:

in MY house, yes

174. Do you have any siblings?:
Yes

173. Are your parents divorced?
Yes

172. What did you do yesterday?:
worked my tail off!!!

171. The band you're listening to?:
WSSL

170. The last band you saw live?:
Corey Smith

169. Favorite TV show that's not on anymore?:
Brothers & Sisters

168. How many times have you swore today?:
none, but it's still early

167. What's the weather like today?:

Cold

166. Last female / male you spoke to that you are not involved with?:
co-worker

165. Does it bother you not to understand something?:
Yes

164. Do you think anyone will read to this point?:

Maybe

163. Do you think teenagers have too much time on their hands?:
Some of them do but others seem to keep busy

162. You've just won the lottery for big money. What do you do?:
Get out of debt and then help others

161. Do you need anything right now?:
I don't think so

160. Current Mood?:
blah

159. What are you drinking?:
Dr. Pepper :(

158. Has being on Facebook been good for you?:
define "good" lol

157. You get a punch in the face?:
I'm punching back!

156. What is your heritage?:
No idea

155. What are you thinking about?:
this survey and why I'm answering 200 random questions

154. How much cash do you have ?
No clue - I usually don't keep cash.

153. Last dumb thing you did?:
deposited a check at the wrong bank (who does that?!)

152. Do you think there's someone out there that likes you?:
Yes

151. Did you watch TV last night?:

Yes

150. What was for dinner last night?:
chicken fingers & fries

149. Do you get angry easily?:
unfortunately

148. Have you ever been so angry, you broke something?:
negative

147. Has anyone said you were broken?:
I've said that about myself

146. How many people do you call true friends?:
I don't really know anymore.  People I thought I could count on have proven me wrong here lately.

145. Ever broken a bone?:
Tailbone

144. When was the last time you had good sex?:
uh, none of your business!

143. How was the first time you had sex?:
this is none of your business as well

:::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In::

142. Love at first sight?
Yes

141. Luck?
Yes

140. Fate?
Yes

139. Yourself?
Most of the time

138. Aliens?
no

137. Heaven?
absolutely!

136. Hell?
yes

135. Ghosts?
yup

134. Horoscopes?
I read them, but don't necessarily believe what they say.

133. Soulmates?
yes

132. God?
yes

131. Premarital sex?
I've always said that I wouldn't buy a car without driving it around first.  The same applies to pre-marital sex.

:::Which is Better?:::

130. Life or Death?
Life

129. hugs or kisses?
Hugs

128. Drunk or High?
neither

127. Phone or Online?
online

126. Red heads or Black hair?
red

125. Blondes or Brunettes?
brunettes

124. Hot or cold?
cold

123. Summer or winter?
winter

121. Chocolate or vanilla?
chocolate

120. Night or Day?
night

119. Oranges or Apples?
apples

118. Curly or Straight hair:?
Straight

117. Smile or Eyes:?
eyes

:::Here's What I Think About:::

116. Abortion:
I think women should have a choice

115. Backstabbers..
will get what they deserve

114. Parents:
mine have issues!

113. Magic?:
Not real

112. American Politics?:
confusing

111. The Writers Strike?:
That was stupid!

110. Music?:
LOVE it!

109. Drunks?:
sad

108. Gas Prices?:
makes me sick

107. George W?:
made some mistakes

106. Southern States?:
where I live

105. Northern States?:
would love to visit

104. Terrorists?:
sick

:::Last time I:::

103. Hugged someone?

my girls

102. Kissed someone:

my girls

101. Saw someone:

co-workers

100. Cried in front of someone:
Friday

99. Went to a funeral?:

Kathi Johnson's back in October.  Definitely the MOST beautiful memorial service I've ever attended.

98. Went apple picking?:
October, 2011

97.. Was on stage?:
can't remember

96. Made someone laugh?:
Today

95. Answered a text message?:
today

94. Saw a movie?:
November 18, 2011 - Breaking Dawn

93. Played music?:

all the time

92. Was out of state?:

October

91. Did a household chore?:
today


:::MISC:::

90. Who is the ditziest person you know:
me probably

89. Who makes you laugh the most:

My kids

82. What I don't understand is:
why God chose my child

75. The thing I'm looking forward to the most is:
there isn't one thing that really sticks out.  I'm looking forward to a lot of things....

74. The thing that I'm not looking forward to is:
being without Erik for another year

73. Tomorrow:

is Thursday and my grandfather's birthday!

72. Today: 

I'm working

71. Next Summer: 

Can't get here fast enough

70. This Weekend:

is gonna be rough.  The 15th falls on a Sunday, so I'm sure to be a weeping mess.

67. People call me:
Ashley

62. The person who knows the most about me is:
Heather, but not even she knows all there is to know.

60. The most difficult thing to do is:
express my feelings

59. I have gotten a speeding ticket:
a couple of times

55. The first person i talked to today was:

Sienna

54. First Crush?
oh gah, I have no idea!

53. The one person who I can't hide things from:
Myself

52. Last time someone said something you were thinking:
seriously?!

51. Right now I am talking to:
nobody

50. What is your dream job?
either a professional organizer or photographer

49. First job?
Retail

47. Pets?
Annie, Whiskey and Daisy

46. I wish:
for a lot of things

45. Worst sound in the world:
sirens

44. The person that makes me cry the most is:
myself

43. Best sound in the world:
My babies

42. Last person to make you cry:
Myself

41. Why? ...
missing my boy

40. Are things ok between you and that person?
yeah

39. Person that makes you really happy?
my girls

38. Cats or dogs?
I have both

37. Your first kiss:
was on an elevator in Myrtle Beach

36. Which Golden Girl would you be?
I would be Dorothy I think

35 Myspace or Facebook: 

Facebook

34. Mexican food or Chinese?
Mexican

33. My favorite piece of clothing?
PJ's

32. My favorite color is:
orange

31. Last time I cried:

Friday

30. My friends are:
great

29. My computer:
MAC

27. Last person i got mad at?:

Kyle I'm sure

26. Person you secretly crush?
not really crushing right now

25. Favorite place:
at home

24. Favorite Song: ...
Big Green Tractor obviously

23. Paper or plastic?
plastic

22. The all-time best movie(s) is/are :
Definitely Friday

21. The all-time best feeling in the world is:
when my son was born

20. Favorite scent?
baby lotion

19. What color is your hairbrush:

blue I think

18.Favorite pair of shoes?
boots

17. I lose all respect for people who:
don't appreciate their children

16. I respect people who:
help others

15. Color of your room?
tan

14. TV channels you watch?
Mtv, Cooking channels, local channels, TLC, Trutv

13. Best feature?
eyes 

12. Favorite band?
Oh my, I don't think I could pick just one

11. The worst pain I was ever in was:
when I laid eyes on Erik laying on the ER table, lifeless

10. Best Memory:
holding Erik for the first time

9. Favorite TV Show:

Um, right now, probably Ellen

8. My favorite celebrity is:
Curtis Stone

7. Favorite Stuffed Animal:
ones that Erik loved

6. Greatest Fear:
happened on November 15, 2009

5. My weakness is:
dr. pepper

4. I am waiting for:
the reunion between me and Erik

3. Who broke your heart:
a few

2. One thing that makes you feel great is:
My Kids

1. One person that you wish you could see right now: 

Erik, of course

Wordless Wednesday

Graphic via

Have I mentioned how much I love following blogs?  I think I'm a tad bit addicted!!!  Anyway, I was reading blogs way back before Christmas and came across a post from Natasha on Small Bird Studios Blog.  She was telling the baby loss community how she honors her sweet son around Christmas time - she does these awesome candle holders!  The minute I seen them, I knew that I would be doing them for Christmas gifts this year.  My crafty buddy, Sharon, joined me.  We had a ball making these for people (although, we hated the first go round and ended up completely re-doing them before it was said and done!)

Small candle holders with Erik's initials before slathering with mod podge...

Next step was rolling them in the epsom salt and then glazing them.

The finished product :)

Of course Erik's candle had to be orange!!!

This is the one I made for Erik's shelf.  It's bigger than the ones I handed out.  

I think it's PERFECT!

Thank you Natasha for inspiring me to honor Erik in this way!!!  Everyone loved their candle holder and it makes me smile to walk in the house and see Erik's lit up (flameless candle on a timer) inside his shelf.

New Year ???

Oh my gosh!!!! I am so behind on everything!!! I was off of work from December 22 through January 2 and I have soooooo very much to catch up on!!!

I hope that each of you had a very merry Christmas and that you rang in the new year with the ones you loved.

I've got lots to talk about so come back soon and read all about it!