One Question

I had an appointment with my ob/gyn today for an u/s (no, I'm not preggers!).  The u/s tech seen a LOT of me when I was pregnant with Kaitlyn & Sienna, so she remembered me when she called me back.  It probably helped her memory considering she had twin grandbabies a couple of months before my girls were born.  Anyway - she started the u/s and we got to talking about twins.  She said that her granddaughter - who is the big sister to twins, is still having a hard time with her brothers.  She said she's still very jealous and will occasionally be mean to one or both of them.

I felt my heart start racing.  She asked if my girls had their own personality and of course I explained all about both of them.  My palms started getting sweaty.  She pointed out some other things on the u/s and then she asked the dreaded question "how's your son handling his role as the big brother?"

Gulp..... the tears started flowing and had to explain that he had passed away in November of 2009.  I don't know why I couldn't handle that question today, but I couldn't.  I continued to be teary - eyed through the rest of the u/s.  She hugged me as I was leaving and I cried some more.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Thankfully it took the doctor FOREVER to come in, so I had gotten over being emotionally sad about Erik and was fuming that I had been in the office for over 2 hours and was just seeing the doctor.

Isn't it funny (not really) how one simple little question that should be so very easy to answer can put me straight over the edge..... tis the life of a mother who has lost her child.

Wordless Wednesday

Help!!

Allison over at Motherhood, WTF? wrote in her latest blog "I'm so sick and tired of fighting all the time, of the constant vigilance I have to keep with L, the nonstop battles over every little thing all day long every single day.  It's just too hard.  It feels so unfair sometimes.  LIke I was given the wrong child.  This kids needs a better mother - someone with more patience and kindness.  I give up.  Hello, Universe?  You made a mistake.  You didn't give me a challenge I could rise to, but one that has totally destroyed me.  Please check your records and make the appropriate adjustments."

OMG I couldn't agree more with her!!!  This is exactly the way I've been feeling here lately.  Little Miss Kaitlyn Della is trying me and her daddy in EVERY.SINGLE. way possible.  She talks back.  Sasses us and her sister.  Blatently ignores us.  She's rude.  She's mean.  And so much more.  Kaitlyn has basically been a handful since the day she was born.  She's always needed more attention than my other 2 kids and has always tried to be in control of everyone around her.  Granted, we should've nipped all these problems in the bud early on, but you have to understand one thing - having 3 kids, 2 of which are twins, is HARD!!!  I felt like I was devoting all of my time trying to "correct" Kaitlyn and was neglecting my other children.  I decided to give in just a little with Kaitlyn so there wouldn't be so many battles with her throughout the day.  WOW!!!! Wrong decision to make!!! She has only gotten worse over the last year or so.  She's found her defiant personality and she is RUNNING with it!!!

September through the end of the year is the hardest time of the year for me.  So many events and so many "lasts" put me on the verge of an emotional breakdown.  Kaitlyn only intensifies all of this for me.  Last night, I was at my wit's end with her.  She was exhausted.  She was ill as a hornet when she woke up yesterday morning and it only proceeded to get worse.  The entire amount of time that I'm able to spend with my girls was spent fussing at Kaitlyn yesterday.  She cried when I took her to school.  She was whining when I picked her up.  She sassed and talked back the ENTIRE ride home (an hour ride mind you!).  She expected me to carry all of the crap she insists on taking with her to daycare.  I refused and that caused her to throw an all out hissy fit.  I still refused.  I tell them in the morning that if they can't carry whatever toys (junk) that they wanna take with them, then they need to pick something to stay at home.  That is something that I don't budge on. Anyway.  To my point...

Last night, we told the girls that they were going to eat supper, take a bath and head straight to bed.  They weren't going to be allowed to watch their nightly cartoons and there would be no playing.  We put them in bed shortly before 8 p.m.  Almost 2 hours later, we are still fussing at Kaitlyn and trying to get her to sleep.  She has been talking, playing, crying, going potty - you name it, she's tried it - just so she won't have to go to sleep.  I had finally had enough and I let my emotions get the best of me.  I was over fussing yesterday and I just wanted her in the bed, asleep and out of my hair for the night.  Finally after a lot of screaming and yelling and tears, she was asleep.  This was at 10:15 p.m. or so.  Let's not forget that we have to be up and out the door by 7 a.m. during the week so I can get to work on time.  UGH!!! I was not happy last night.  At all.

After I sat back down from all the rucus with her, I got to thinking.  Not only have a buried a child, I have an overly defiant child who is sure to drive me into the crazy house.  This is NOT fair.  I should be cherishing the time I have with my living children and not be spending that time fussing and disciplining and being the "mean" mommy that I get called about 500 times a day.  I felt like shit last night after I had been so harsh on Kaitlyn.  I felt like a failure as her mother and I couldn't believe I had acted the way that I did.  I criticize parents who treat their children the way I did last night.  I get mad when parents complain about their kids like I was doing last night.

If my life is all God's big master plan, why in the hell did he take my only son AND give me a daughter that I obviously don't know how to handle.  The stress of losing Erik plus the stress of Kaitlyn is about to do me in.  Top that off with the idiots I deal with on a daily basis and I feel like I'm drowning.  

A to Z

Thanks Ashley Elder and Kelly Boots for this fun blog topic :)

*I copied this from their blog*

A. Age: 31

B. Bed size: King!! And could never imagine going back to anything smaller!!

C. Chore that you hate: All of them basically!!! LOL But I really hate bathroom cleaning.

D. Dogs:  A mutt named Annie :)

E. Essential start to your day: does going to the bathroom count?!

F. Favorite color: Orange

G. Gold or Silver: Silver!

H. Height: 6'1"

I. Instruments you play: None

J. Job title: Legal Assistant

K. Kids: a son and twin daughters

L. Live: South Carolina

M. Mother’s name: Ann

N. Nicknames: Boo - Boo (thanks to my brother when we were little); Sashley (from my 2 year old niece that can't say Ashley), Mama, Mommy

O. Overnight hospital stays: Oh my - lots.  I stayed in the hospital quite a bit when I was pregnant with the girls

P. Pet peeves: Procrastination and Lying!!!!!!!!

Q. Quote from a movie: LMAO "It's Friday.  You ain't got no job.  You ain't got shit to do."


R. Right or left handed: Right handed

S. Siblings: Kelley, Jennifer and Jeremy

U. Underwear: I go for comfort!!

V. Vegetable you hate: Um, I've pretty much ate the same ones my entire life and I like those.  If it doesn't look good, I'm not eating it!!

W. What makes you run late: Snooze button!

X. X-Rays you’ve had: knees, wrists, tailbone, chest

Y. Yummy food that you make: Lasagna - made it this weekend and it was A.ma.zing!!!!!

Z. Zoo animal: monkey

Same thing, but different

As I was reading through the blogs that I follow this morning, I came across Peyton's Mommy's blog.  You can follow along here - http://onceamother.blogspot.com/2011/09/tucked-away-in-some-corner.html - Peyton was diagnosed with leukemia at birth and lived for 28 days before gaining her angel wings.  Although Erik's death was sudden and tragic, I feel connected to this mommy because she now has twins.  I always feel connected to parents with an older child and then younger twins.  I guess I just like to see how they live their life and get any tips or ideas too.

Anyway - Peyton just celebrated her 3rd birthday in heaven.  The blog today was titled "Tucked Away in some Corner".  She was referring to the box of stuff that grieving parents are left with when their child passes away.  I can relate to her in SO many ways, as I too, have a "box".  I actually have 2 boxes of stuff that I've kept since Erik passed away.  I have a big chest at the end of our bed that contains all of his clothes that I REFUSE to get rid of, along with other things that he loved and at this point in time have no special place in our house.  I've just put everything related to Erik into this chest.  I have another box (drawer really) that contains all the stuff that the hospital gave us after Erik died - a handprint in a cast, bereaved parents booklets, locks of his hair, the clothes that were cut off of him when he was brought into the ER - and also the tons and tons of cards we received, as well as all the information from the funeral home.

There are parts of me that feels awful for having his belongings tucked away where nobody can see them, but the biggest part of me breaks into a million pieces every time any of these things are brought into the open.  It makes his death that much more real.  I mean, I have a tiny ziploc baggie with the hair off of my dead son's head.  His beautiful hair that will NEVER be cut again.  Yep, that makes it pretty real.

Some days I think that each bereaved parent grieves so differently, but then days like today where I read another blog and feel like I'm reading about myself hit me.  Yeah, this group that I'm in - we're all very different, but in the end, we're all just a bunch of parents who have buried their children.  We miss our babies like crazy and all of us would do ANYTHING to have them back.

Fill in the blanks....

I read this on another blog and thought it was neat...

Fill in the blanks...

• If I were to get pregnant again I would be pleasantly surprised and do EVERYTHING different.
• If I could have any job in the world I'd be a professional organizer and/or event planner.
• If I had a day to myself I would probably switch between scrapbooking and sleep.
• If I could get married all over again I would have the big wedding that most girls dream about.  There was nothing romantic about our decision to "just go to the Courthouse" on a random Wednesday afternoon.
• If I could live anywhere in the US I would probably move to the mountains.  Hubby and I have always talked about Johnson City, TN.  Why? IDK.
• If Kaitlyn & Sienna would have been boys, they would've been named Sadler and Cruz.
• If I could have any talent in the world I would like to be more creative and artistic.
• If you met me in real life you'd be shocked at my height.
• If I could go back to school I'd be more determined to actually finish.
• If money were not an object I'd be debt free.
• If I could meet one celebrity I think I would want to meet Mike Rowe.
• If I could only shop at one store for the rest of my life it'd probably be Target.
• If we get another pet my hubby would probably kick me and all the pets out!
• If I could go on a trip, RIGHT NOW, I'd want to go to Australia.
• If I had to chose between a house cleaner and a personal chef, I'd pick the house cleaner. Hubby already cooks 90% of our meals :)
• If I had the option of plastic surgery I'd get lypo and a tummy tuck - carrying twins is ROUGH on a body!!!

(I do not like the white highlighting, but I can't figure out how to get it off.  Oh well!)

22 months

How has another month passed without my sweet boy?!  My heart is broken today.  Completely.  I got a sweet FB message last night from another Mommy who knows all too well this pain I live with everyday.  She just wanted to let me know that she loved my profile picture and that he (Erik) was so cute.  It was in that moment that the tears started falling.  I started crying because her comment about Erik was so sincere and out of the blue.  I cried because I felt so proud to be his Mama.  I cried because I'll NEVER see that beautiful smile again.  Well, at least not this side of earth.

(I'm pretty sure she reads my new blogs, so if you're reading this one now, please don't feel bad for bringing my tears out!!  I appreciate your sweet comment more than you'll ever know!)

Anyway.  Today, September 15, 2011, marks 22 months without Erik. 670 days ago I woke up not knowing what the day had in store for me. 964,800 minutes ago, I didn't realize that my world was about to be turned upside down, sideways, and shaken completely up.

I was telling a few friends this morning that in some ways, 22 months ago seems like such a long time ago.  With each passing day, I feel further and further away from Erik.  That breaks my heart into a million pieces.  I feel like I have to constantly look at his pictures just so I won't forget what he looks like.  I feel like I'm constantly having to replay his 5 years, 2 months, and 15 days just so I won't forget a single memory of him.  Other days I feel like November 15, 2009 was just yesterday.  I get overly anxious, my heart starts racing and I just have an overall bad feeling on days like that.  One thing is for sure - nothing about grief is easy.  Just when you think you've accomplished a step, you take 12 back and have to start all over again.  I find that even 22 months later, I'm still having to take life one day at a time.

I've been working my tail off to get Erik's scrapbooks started and finished.  I finally finished his 1st year (technically 1.5 years) and I've never been more proud.  I finished it just in time for his birthday.  I've started on his last year and I'm slowly getting it put together and completed.  But honestly, it'll never be done because I'll continue adding to it as his birthdays and angelversaries come and go.  I've printed over 700 pictures in the last month so that I can start on 2006 and 2007.  Needless to say, I'm going to be very busy doing that!

Erik - it's so hard to believe that I haven't seen your beautiful smile and big brown eyes in 22 months.  I miss you so much and I can NOT wait to hold you in my arms again.  Until that day....








PS - please excuse me if there are any grammatical or spelling errors - proofreading this post was impossible.

Wordless Wednesday

I know this is technically supposed to be a "wordless" blog, but I feel that some pictures need an explanation.  This was the moon on Erik's birthday.  We had just launched his sky lanterns and followed them until they fell and I happened to look in the other direction and thought the moon through these trees was beautiful, so I snapped a pictures.

See - this picture would've been just a "moon" had I not added an explanation ;)

Updating through pictures

Oh my wow!!!!! I was just organizing my pictures online and holy cow - I take a LOT of pictures.  Instead of boring you with words, I'm going to wow! you with what's been going on lately through pictures.  Enjoy!

You'll notice that we are some concert loving people!  Just this summer me, the hubby & bff (along with others) have seen Justin Moore twice, Brantley Gilbert twice (hubby & I met him the first time!!) Willie Nelson, Thompson Square twice, Jason Aldean, Hunter Hayes, Eli Young Band, Zac Brown Band, Craig Campbell, Chris Young - I think that's all, but I feel like I'm forgetting some people... Oh well, you get the point!

Kyle, me and Shannon seeing Justin Moore the first time

Kyle and I meeting Brantley Gilbert :)

Whitney, Shannon, Me & Jess @ Willie Nelson's Country Throwdown

Kyle and I at ZBB

Me and my sweet girls on my birthday

Blowing out my candles

Me at my Minute To Win It Birthday party

trying to hold a M & M on the end of the straw and put it in the cup

Me and my bff, Heather

Me and Shannon before seeing Justin Moore the 2nd time

Me and the hubby at Justin Moore

My sweet girls posing at the river

<3 it!!!

Visiting my sweet boy on his 7th birthday

My grandparents watching Erik's sky lanterns taking off

So glad the lanterns turned out so well

My brother in law, Phil, launching his lantern

Erik's cake - all these themes were from each of his 5 earthly birthdays (1 - basketballs; 2 - firetrucks; 3 - cows; 4 - Diego; 5 - bullrider)

Our crew at The Acoutic Jam (Hunter Hayes, Eli Young Band, Thompson Square, Brantley Gilbert & Craig Campbell)

Jess, Heather, Me and Shannon at Jason Aldean

Us doing the infamous "shannon pose"

Wordless Wednesday

My Grief Wish List

Thank you Kellie for posting this on your blog. I can relate in EVERY way :(

MY GRIEF WISH LIST

.....I wish you would not be afraid to speak my loved one’s name. They lived and were important and I need to hear their name.

......If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my loved one, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me: the fact they have died has caused my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

......I wish you wouldn’t let my loved one die again by removing from your home his pictures, artwork or other remembrances.

......I will have emotional highs and lows, up and down. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day, I need psychiatric counseling.

.....I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse or a pet.

....Being a bereaved person is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me.
I wish you knew all the crazy grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration and hopelessness and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following a death.

.....I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics I will never be ‘cured’ or a ‘formerly bereaved’, but forever a ‘recovering’ from my bereavement.

....I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a lot of illness and be accident prone, all of which are related to my grief.

.....Our loved one’s birthday, the anniversary of her death and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell me that you are thinking about them on these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about them and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

.....I wish you wouldn’t offer to take me out for a drink, or to a party. This is just a temporary crutch and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

....I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my loved one died and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to ‘my old self’, you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me: maybe you will still like me.

Erik's Poem

A girl that Kyle and I went to school with had this poem written for us in honor of Erik on his birthday. I just had to share it because it's absolutely beautiful!

Mommy and Daddy please don’t be sad today,
When Jesus called me, I could not stay.
My life with you was full of happiness and joy,
I always knew I was your special little boy.

You loved me and took such good care of me,
You’re the best Mommy and Daddy that ever could be.
I pretended to be a cowboy with a holster and gun,
It made you so happy to see me have fun.

As wonderful as my life was, there with you,
My new life with Jesus is wonderful too!
The beauty in Heaven is a sight to see,
And Daddy, “the Angels walk with Papa and me”.

If you saw me now, you would feel peace and joy,
To see how the Father takes care of your little boy.
Mommy, I have need of nothing in my new home,
And on the streets of gold I play and roam.

God sees your tears and the sadness you feel,
Just trust in his plan and his perfect will.
Remember I love you and will see you and Dad,
You’ll remember no longer the sad times you’ve had.

God has a message he wanted me to give,
Have faith in Him and for Jesus live.
Ask Him for strength and he will be there,
And my eternal home with you I’ll share.


Love Erik
P.S. Tell my sissy’s I love them too!

I survived

We celebrated Erik yesterday and I survived. The anticipation was definitely worse than the day.

I spent some time at the cemetery after lunch and that was pretty rough, but after that good cry, the rest of the day was peaceful.

Our family gathered at Erik's grave at dark and we released 7 sky lanterns. We all found it amazing that all 7 of the lanterns, plus 14 balloons floated in the same direction without even the slightest breeze.

Coincidence? I think not!!!

Anyway, I was blown away by all the sweet texts and Facebook messages that I got yesterday. It truly warmed my heart to know that my sweet brown eyed boy touched so many people in such a short time.