Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Step

Today, I will do something that I have NEVER done.  Something that I thought I would never NEED to do.  I consider myself a very strong person - I felt this way even before Erik died.  I've never been one to openly express how I was feeling about certain things.  Typically when things bother me, I keep them to myself.  I'm not one who likes to "burden" others with my problems.  When I get angry, I tuck it away into a place deep inside me.  I don't like confrontation.

Today, I will step into a psychiatrist's office.  I'm finally to the point of not being able to handle grief and still live my life.

I am extremely nervous about opening up to a complete stranger.  I am extremely nervous about getting started with my issues and not being able to stop.  I am just extremely nervous.  I'm shaking as I type this!!!  I know.  Crazy!!

I've held onto certain feelings and emotions since I was 13 years old.  I guess getting all of them out there has completely terrified me.

I know that I need to do this.  For me.  For Kyle.  For Kaitlyn & Sienna.  For the rest of my family.

That doesn't make it any easier or me any less nervous.

Ugh.  Please pray for me!!

4 comments:

Kelly L Boots said...

Thinking of you and saying some prayers!

Ashley said...

Good luck...thinking of you also!! <3

Stephanie said...

I am praying and will continue to do so. I am deeply sorry for your loss! I hate that you have to feel the way you do. I hate that you have a child in heaven waiting for you...it really should be the other way around. I often wonder, as I meet other mothers who have lost their children, if my twins meet their children. I like to think that they do...

Jen said...

Ashley, I read your blog tonight for the first time and I am sitting here crying for you and your family. I pray that you can find some peace and comfort and that you can find a balance where you can still honor Erik's memory, but live your life. I hope that you can connect with your therapist and find a way to heal your broken heart. I've learned a lot tonight reading your blog and most of your blogroll. It is utterly devastating what you and they have had to endure. I'm so sorry for your loss and I pray for your healing.