Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Twenty - Eight

Tomorrow marks 28 long months without my first born child. My only son. 28 months since I kissed his sweet little lips. 28 months since I’ve seen his face light up over the simplest thing. 28 months since he gave me a look with his beautiful brown eyes that could melt the biggest iceberg. 28 months since my heart was well.

The more time that passes the further I feel from Erik. I look at his pictures and there are times I have to take a second look because I don’t recognize the cute little boy staring back at me. At times I feel like he is a kid I met a long time ago, but never really had a relationship with. I get so angry at myself for feeling that way, but that the reality I live in every single day.

I’ve been having a really, REALLY hard time lately. I’ve grown apart from friends who I thought I’d always be able to count on. I’ve withdrew from my family. I do just enough “parenting” to get by. My mind and thoughts are all over the place – basically everywhere but where they should be. I’m becoming more and more forgetful and less and less motivated. I get up and go to work so that I don’t have to take care of the girls, but while I’m at work, actually doing work is on the bottom of my to-do lists. I spend the majority of my time day dreaming and forgetting what I was supposed to be doing.

This past Sunday, I literally slept all day long. I think I went to bed around midnight, woke up 2 or 3 times to get a drink of water and pee and back to sleep I went. I woke up for about an hour to get something to eat and I was asleep again shortly after that. I remember waking up around 11 p.m. Sunday night and being wide awake (of course). I eventually turned the t.v. off and forced myself to sleep. I was definitely dragging come Monday morning. I really had no idea why I felt the need to sleep the day away until it hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday.

I always struggle around the 15th of the month. I didn’t realize that the 15th was this week until that moment. Ignorance is usually bliss…. until you lose a child.

This Saturday, the 4 of us will head to Columbia for a ceremony honoring the families of organ donors. I’m so grateful that Erik saved another life, possibly 2, but I wish more than anything that I never knew what LifePoint was. I wish that selfless little boy who died that awful day in November was still here and running around with his wild sisters.

I’ve started getting orders together for Erik’s Rodeo (t-shirts, bracelets & car decals) and although it warms my heart that so many people are interested in wearing something to remember my boy, I’d give anything to have people not have a clue who Erik was if it meant he was still alive.

I know that these feelings will pass just like they always do, but for right now, I’m in this really bad place and I don’t know how much longer I’ll have the strength to continue digging myself out of the dark hole.


brigette said...

These times are hard.. Im sorry you know the pain. Great big hugs your way. What a special ceremony you will be able to take part in!

Ashley said...

I am so sorry. I have felt that way a lot of the time. It is hard to get motivated when your heart just isn't in the right place.

So excited that you are doing Erik's Rodeo, his shirt is amazingly cute!

Thinking of you!! ((Hugs))