Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Snow Day - February 13, 2010

After I posted that last note, I got to thinking about how selfish I sounded. I honestly didn’t mean to sound so selfish because I truly am grateful for the 5 wonderful years that I had with Erik. He made my life worth living and I gained so much from him.

I know that there are a lot of parents who have said that having a kid “saved” their life, but when I say that Erik saved mine, I mean that. Before I got pregnant with Erik, I was on a very destructive path. I was going out every single night and basically drinking my life away. The 12 or so months before I got pregnant with Erik are almost a complete blur. When I got pregnant with Erik, I vowed to be the best mother that I could be to him and do whatever it took to give him a good life. I think I made good on that promise. It wasn’t always easy. It wasn’t always fun and games, but I loved every single second that I had with him. Even down to those seconds we spent arguing and fighting about what clothes he was going to wear to school or whether or not he was going to brush his teeth before going to bed (I always won that argument btw!) Erik was a total joy. He was opinionated, determined, and the most loving child I’ve ever known. He may have been slow to warm up to new people, but once he got to know you, he loved you and more than likely, you fell in love with him.

Anyway. With all the beautiful snow that we’ve had in the last 2 days, I can’t help but thinking how much fun Erik would’ve had. He never got to experience real snow like we just had. He never had the chance to go out and play for hours and build a snow man, or ride a sled or eat snowcream. The first time it snowed when he was alive, he was too little to do anything but look at it. The second time (which was March 1, 2009), it turned to ice the next day and wasn’t worth playing in. He would’ve had a ball playing in the snow with us. As we were out riding dirt roads last night, I could hear him laughing in the back seat at the doughnuts that Kyle and Big D were doing. I can hear him telling Kyle to do it again. I could hear his little country voice telling Kyle to get in that mud hole one more time. We went over to a friend of ours this morning so that he could pull the kayak behind the 4 wheeler. I instantly thought of Erik going crazy on his 4 wheeler just to see how bad he could mess up the snow. I could see him taking off through the snow and just eating up every single second of it. I imagine that he would’ve played so hard by now that taking a nap would’ve been his idea – or maybe he would still be begging Kyle to play in the little bit that’s left. Either way, I know that he would’ve loved to experience real snow.
Racing season has started up again too and I’m really gonna miss hearing Erik and Kyle go on and on about Jimmie Johnson. Erik was obsessed just because Kyle was. He never sat down to watch a race, but he would always ask who won. He ragged me about not liking Jimmie Johnson and loved rubbing it in my face when JJ won. Which was quite often!

I didn’t really have a point in writing this note other than to talk about my boy a little more. I miss him like crazy and it seems like my computer is the only “thing” I can really talk to him about without getting looks of pity.

Continue loving your kids for me and if they wanna go out and play in the snow “just one last time”, take them! (if just for me! – I promise you won’t regret it!)

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