Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A New Decade - July 27, 2010

It's hard to believe that I'll be 30 years old this time next week. I can remember when I was a teenager and thought that 30 year olds were OLD! Back then, I could've never imagined my life would be where it is today. I always imagined that I would be the unwed mother to about 5 kids lol. Not that I was planning to sleep around or anything, I just didn't want a husband. I knew I didn't want any kids before I turned 30 because I had planned to spend my twenties partying it up and causing trouble. But I guess the saying to tell God your plans and watch him laugh is true!

I was 23 years old when I REALLY fell in love for the first time. I was head over heels in love with a boy that caught my heart 10 years before. He never acknowledged me back then, but somehow or another always found his way to me when he wasn't attached.

I was 23 years old when I got pregnant with my sweet Erik. I had never in my life experienced so many emotions at one time. I was scared to death - not only of being pregnant, but telling my family I was pregnant and had only been in a relationship for 4 short months. I was in love with someone I hadn't even met yet. I was nervous, excited, worried, giddy, happy, sad, mad, and crazy!!!! Kyle and I decided that this was God's plan for us and we took the next step and moved in together. I didn't tell me family I was pregnant for another 3 months. And it only came out then because my oldest sister was preggo at the same time and I was tired of hearing all of her "baby stories" - jealous, yeah, I know. 7 months later on September 1, 2004 at 9:55 p.m., I welcomed the most beautiful baby that I had ever seen into the world. I was so grateful that he was healthy and finally out of me!!! I swore that night that I was NEVER going to be pregnant again. Me and pregnancy did not get along very well.

2 years later, my baby boy was no longer a "mama's boy" and wanted to spend most of his time with his Daddy - who he looked up to big time! So, I, got the itch for another baby. I call it temporary insanity, others call it the "baby itch". Kyle and I actually made plans to start trying for a baby soon after that. I don't think he was ready for another, but he knew not to argue with me or deny me. Month after month of nothing, I decided that it wasn't meant to be for us to have another baby, so we quit "trying". Which I believe was another "sign" because a couple of months later, my marriage almost fell apart. I took Erik and we moved into our own apartment in Greenwood. We were happy, but I knew Erik missed his Daddy and I still had this longing for another child. Somehow or another, Kyle and I managed to work out our differences and he moved in with us in August. By September, I was pregnant, I just didn't know it yet.

Come the end of August, we were doing some birthday shopping for Erik's 3rd bday party. We were in Walmart and my Mom asked Erik what he wanted for his bday and he said "a baby brother and a baby sister". I about fainted. I told him that he could give that idea up because we couldn't give him that. On September 9, just a week or two after Erik made his request, I took a pregnancy test and sure enough, I was pregnant. I can remember being in the bathroom and peeing on the stick with Erik looking on so curiously. He wanted to know every single detail of what I was doing and why I was doing it. When the 2 little lines showed up, I told him to run into the bedroom where Kyle was and tell him that he was going to be a big brother. I don't think Kyle was quite as thrilled as we were. And so began our journey of becoming a family of 4... or so we thought.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving, 2007. I had made plans to cook my first Thanksgiving meal for my family. In the midst of peeling potatoes for the potato salad, I had a very strange feeling. 2 seconds later, I was gushing blood everywhere. I ran into the bathroom and screamed for Kyle. He immediately called my mom and told her to hurry down to our house because we needed to head to the ER. Kyle and I sat in the bathroom and just cried because we just knew that I was losing our baby. Erik being the loving child that he was, came in the bathroom and made sure I was ok. A lot of time spent in the ER and a completely ruined Thanksgiving meal and we were headed back home with the news of not only were we not miscarrying, but we were gonna be blessed with twins. WOW!

A very rough 23 weeks later and I was being induced. I had reached my maximum stretching capabilities and Kaitlyn was not going to wait another day longer to be born. I couldn't walk, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything but cry! On May 1, 2008, we welcomed Kaitlyn into the world at 9:49 p.m. Almost 30 minutes later, her much smaller sister, Sienna came into the world screaming at 10:16 p.m. They were both very healthy and I was very happy to not be pregnant anymore!

I would tell you a little about the next few months, but honestly, it was all a blur!!! I can remember lots of diapers, lots of bottles, and not near enough sleep. Kaitlyn and Sienna are now 2 very healthy and happy little girls though. And that's all that matters.

18 months later and my world literally came crashing down around me. Everything I knew about happiness was crushed. Everything I knew about love diminished. Everything I knew to be my future was a distant memory. My first born child lost his life in a freak 4 wheeler accident on the afternoon of November 15, 2009. My life will never be the same again. I pretty much remember going through the next few months in a complete blur. I did what I had to do as a mother to twins, but that was about it. I dropped out of school because I couldn’t concentrate on anything for an extended amount of time. Adjusting to life without part of my heart wasn’t going to be easy.

Kyle and I decided that the best way to cope with Erik’s death was to have a place of our own and begin again. We moved out of my mom’s house and into our own little home. We brought most of Erik’s things with us and have semi – memorialized them in some way. Our computer/play room houses the majority of his stuff – signs from his room, 4 wheeler helmet, poster the kids at school made him, school work he did in his short span of kindergarten, his back pack from school, Christmas ornaments that are in some way a tribute to him, and many, many other things. At the end of our hallway is a shelf with all of his favorite things. At first, we didn’t want anyone touching that stuff, but that’s a lot easier said than done when 2 two year old’s have access to it. We have pictures of Erik all around our house – just small reminders that even though his body isn’t here on this Earth, his spirit will live on no matter where we are.

And now on to present day. I feel like I have grown more in the last 8.5 months than I had in the last 29 years. My life isn’t anywhere near the path that I wanted to be on, but it’s the path that was chosen for me and I’m ok with that. I miss my boy dearly – with every single breath I take, I think of him and wish that that part of my life could be different.

This weekend I will be going to get a tattoo just for Erik and I can’t wait. So, as I embark on a new decade, I look forward to the many things that God has in store for me. Here’s to my 30’s – may they be A LOT better than my 20’s!!!!

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