Wednesday, October 27, 2010

4 months - March 14, 2010

Saturday night, Kyle and I (and the girls) went out to eat at Red Lobster. We were sitting there waiting on our table and 2 couples sat down beside us. The girls were being their typical entertaining selves and one of the older ladies asked Sienna what her name was. And of course, like always, she replied Erik. I corrected her, but she kept saying Erik. I told the lady her name was Sienna. She then asked Kaitlyn, and Kaitlyn too replied Erik. I told the lady her correct name. The lady then asked who Erik was. I felt a panic attack coming on. I told her that Erik was their brother. She asked how old he was. I said 5. She turned away. I was relieved. For a moment. Sienna then got my phone out of the bag and was babbling on and on about whatever and the lady noticed. She asked if she was talking to Erik. Sienna said yes. Luckily at that moment our table got called. I think that was God's way of helping us avoid the "well where is Erik" question. I probably would've lost it right then and there had the question came up. Here I am answering all these questions like Erik is spending the night at Grandma's or something. Which I was quite content with. I have been wondering all day how I would've answered had she asked that "question" and to be honest, I probably would've answered the same way Kaitlyn and Sienna do when we ask them where Erik is. He is at home.

On this day, 4 months ago, my baby boy went home. On this day, 4 months ago, half of my heart broke into a million tiny pieces that will NEVER be put together again.

I heard a song on the radio the other day; one that I've heard a million times before, I've even sang along to it and cried. Little did I know that this same song would have a real meaning on this day, 4 months ago.

The song is by Kenny Chesney. The name of the song is Who You'd Be Today. Here's the chorus...

Sunny Days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you every where I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair, you died too young
Like a story that had just begun,
but death, tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I been through
Just knowing that no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today....

....Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday.

These past 4 months have definitely been the hardest of my ENTIRE life. I keep trying to tell myself that there is no way it can get any worse, but lately, I'm really beginning to wonder. Baseball season has started and it hurts SO BAD that my boy isn't suited up and getting ready to play. That child absolutely loved baseball. I can't remember a day last summer that he wasn't dressed in his sliding shorts, baseball pants, and cleats. He had worn a spot in my Mama's yard where he and the other boys had slid into home so many times. There were days that I could've sworn that Erik could've filled a sand box with all the dirt in his clothes. His goal was to get as dirty and as nasty as possible. He did a pretty good job of that. It's gonna be so hard going to my Mama's house when it warms up and going swimming and not having Erik there swimming with me. He was a great swimmer. I can remember him being terrified of the pool at the beginning of the summer last year and being like a pro by the end of the summer. He was swimming in the deep water, going under, and being like a little fish. And even though it was summer and extremely hot most days, Erik still had to get fully dressed and "work". He would put on a shirt, usually long sleeved, long pants and those cowboy boots. He had to have a hat too. And depending on what kind of "work" he was gonna be doing, he had to have tools. Just like his Daddy. There is a huge gash in one of the trees at my Mom's house where Erik was constantly trying to saw it down. I'll have to remember the next time I'm there to take a picture of it. It's quite impressive for a small kid who was 4 at the time most of the sawing took place.

On tonight's episode of Extreme Makeover, Home Edition, a family had a very sick son who had recently had a heart implant. The whole show talked about how important it is to become a donor. In that instant, I was proud of Erik (and myself and Kyle) for making the decision to donate Erik's organs. One of the ladies speaking at the end of the show talked about how one family's sacrifice saved her life. My heart smiled.

Tonight as I type this Note, I'm thinking of all the things that I would say to Erik if I could have just one more day with him. I would apologize for all the fussing. I would tell him how beautiful he is. I would buy him anything in the world that he asked for. I would kiss his lips a million times, but most of all I would look into those big beautiful brown eyes and just tell him that I loved him over and over again. It doesn't seem like it's been 4 months, but at the same time, I feel like it's been forever. I miss him more than these words could ever express and I love him more than he ever knew. He was my heart, my soul, my little buddy, my cowboy and my scooter (that's what I always called him "scooter"). I yearn for the day that we're together again and can't wait to hold him in my arms, but until that day, I will hold him in my heart and smile when I think of him.

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