Wednesday, October 27, 2010

January 17, 2010

I've been debating doing this for a long time now. I think have finally moved onto the actual "grieving" stage if there are such things as stages after the loss of someone whom you love so deeply.

You're probably wanting to know why I'm sharing this on Facebook. It's simple actually, for me, anyway. Kyle is very detached. He only wants to talk about the memories we have of Erik. He doesn't like talking about what could've been or what would've been. My mom can't even hear Erik's name without breaking down. My grandparents, who have also lost a child, can't talk about Erik either. Everyone else seems to be too busy with their own lives to worry about what's still going on in mine. They say otherwise, but their actions go right along with what I've said. Yes, all of you have said that you are here if I need you, but each and every one of you know that I'm not one to seek out help even when I need it the most. That's just not my style. So that is why I've chosen to do it this way. I can talk and talk and talk and talk and nobody has to listen really. Read, sure, but nobody has to see the emotions and pain that is still so raw that it hurts more than you can EVER imagine.

Ok, here goes. Grab your box of Kleenex and hold on!

As strange as it sounds, starting back to school last week has been the hardest thing I've had to do since losing Erik. Thanksgiving and Christmas were hard, but for some reason - being back at school has been twice as hard. I think it has a lot to do with being back in a "normal" routine and not having Erik as part of that routine. It feels really strange to get the girls up and ready for school and not be getting him ready too. I miss all of our morning fights about what he was gonna wear to school or eat for breakfast. He really was a pain in the ass when it came to school mornings.

On my 2nd day of school, I had to tell my classmates a little about myself. I knew that I was going to have to do this - I prepared myself for it. Or so I thought. The second I said I have 3 kids, I lost it. Yes, I still have 3 kids, but then to follow that sentence with "1 of which is now in Heaven" is what hit home. My sweet little boy should still be here with me!!!! I NEED HIM HERE!!!!

I've been moving small stuff into our new house all week as well. No big deal. Pack some boxes, move some stuff. I think it was Wednesday when I got the nerve up to pack Erik's belongings and drive them to where they sit now. He has his own little place at the end of our hall way where his most favorite things sit on 5 shelves. The first shelf contains some pottery that I made for him and then something he made on his own. I can remember the exact moment I was making the inch worm for him. It was at Jordan's (Heather's little girls) bday party. I had brought Chandler (my niece) with me and I was 5 months pregnant with Erik. That inch worm was the first thing of perfection that I had to have for Erik. I had to have it perfect because I knew that I wanted to put it in his room. The other thing I had mentioned was a piece of pottery that Erik made. It is a lion (I think). He made it at Chandler's bday party. He was around 3, I think and had been sick, so wasn't really into doing it. I think he painted about half of it by himself and then stopped, I finished the rest. It too, is perfect! He also has a Clemson car and a little tiger on that top shelf - Lord knows the boy loved some Clemson Tigers. On the second shelf are most of his John Deere Tractors. They fill that shelf and the very bottom shelf up. I think he got a new green tractor with every trip to Walmart. I can remember at one point counting over 50 tractors. I have no idea where most of them are - probably buried in the sand box at Mama's somewhere. On the next shelf is his collection of Jimmy Johnson cars. He jumped on that bandwagon because of his Daddy. They loved Jimmy Johnson. Erik's library number at school was even #48. He also has a little sweat rag on that shelf as well. He got this idea from my mom. Working outside = sweat and when you sweat, you need a rag to wipe it off your face. On the next shelf is his baseball stuff - his glove and 2 batting gloves and 2 trophies from the 2 years he played in our little church t-ball league. The first trophy has his named spelled wrong and of course, he wasn't happy with that. We never got around to fixing it because we just figured that there would be hundreds more and that one would just eventually be boxed up somewhere to make room for more trophies. If we had only known. I don't wanna have it fixed now, because it wouldn't be the same. His cowboy spurs are on this shelf as well. On the very bottom shelf lies the remainder of his John Deere tractors and his other love - 4 wheelers. He didn't have many because it was a new found love. One that didn't even last a year actually. He got his 4 wheeler for Christmas in 2008. He didn't live to see another Christmas.

Above the shelves are 2 pictures and 4 hats - the pictures are from school, the ones his teachers and classmates made for us. They hold some of the last pictures ever taken of Erik. Ones that I didn't take. For those that know me, know how bad this hurts. I was an avid picture taker - especially of my kids and when I discovered that the last digital picture I had of Erik was from 2 weeks before he died, I lost it. How could I not have taken more pictures of him?! The 4 hats were his favorite hats - 3 Clemson hats and 1 PBR hat. He wore the heck out of those hats!

So that's Erik's place in our new little home. His pictures of on the walls around us, but that shelf is Erik. It was him. And it is what he was about. I love that shelf and the memories that it holds.

Pretty soon, my best friend, Heather is going to be throwing me a house warming party. For those of you I've tagged that are invited and actually come, you'll see the shelf and what I've explained to you. You'll probably shed a tear because it'll become real once you lay your eyes on it.

I think this is all for tonight.

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