The Bag

In 16 days, Erik will have been gone for 1 year. Unfortunately, I can remember that day like it was yesterday. The pain hurts just as bad today as it did back then. My heart is just as broken today as it was back then.

This coming Tuesday will be a year since we said goodbye to Papa. I can remember telling Erik about Papa being gone. In his sweet little voice, he just looked at me and said "so Papa is in heaven with Aunt Margaret?" (who passed away in August of last year). He just sat there for a moment and finally looked at me again and said "I sure am gonna miss him Mama". And then he hopped down off my bed and went back to playing. I would've never thought in a hundred billion years that 12 days after saying goodbye to Papa that I would also be saying goodbye to my son. I seen the inside of a funeral home more in those 2 weeks than any person should ever have to do. We planned Papa's funeral and then planned Erik's funeral in exactly the same way we did with Papa. They both had wooden caskets and were dressed to a T. I love God more than anything else in the world, but during those 2 weeks, I was questioning if he even existed. How could he possibly take Papa AND Erik from our family within 2 weeks? It still doesn't make any sense to me, but I know that He has some sort of plan. I just wish he would put it into effect sooner rather than later.

No parent should EVER have to bury their child. Parents are SUPPOSED to die before their children - of old age. I am devastated over the loss of Papa, but he has lived a long, long life. He had plenty of stories to tell about his very interesting life. He had had the chance to actually live! Erik, on the other hand, hadn't gotten the chance to live at all. He a very fulfilling 5 years, but I just know that he was going to be someone someday.

Anyway - to the point of this whole blog.

In the process of planning Erik's funeral, the subject of his hair came up. Before he died, he was trying to let it grow out so that he could start wearing it curly again. Erik was constantly watching me fix my hair in the mornings and he loved it when I would "fix" his like mine - meaning curly. Erik had a head full of beautiful hair. The funeral home called and asked what I wanted to do with his hair. I told them that I wanted to come fix it because nobody else could do it the way I could. They didn't think that that would be a very good idea. I agreed. I suggested that his hair be cut back short again, but that I only wanted the lady who has cut his hair all of his life do it. They agreed, but I had to get Mrs. Wanda to agree to it as well. Out of the kindness of her heart, she drove to Ware Shoals and cut my precious baby's hair one last time. In the whole process of this going on, I demanded that every single strand of his hair be saved for me. I had planned to pick it up a few days after burying him, but here I am almost 365 days later, I still haven't picked up the bag containing his beautiful hair. I know he's gone. He's been gone for 11 months and 14 days. I know he's not EVER coming back, but I just can't make myself drive up to the funeral home and pick up the last thing that I will ever have of him. I can't do it. Getting that bag will really make the fact that he's gone real. And I don't want it to be real. I need my boy back - more now than ever. He was my sunshine and could make me smile when nobody else could. The feel of his little arms around me was all I needed to make my day 100% better. A kiss from his little "fish" lips could always make everything better.

Here we are at Halloween again. I can see him now getting all dressed up in his chaps, cowboy boots and cowboy hat. I still have his hat and his boots, but he went to heaven ready to be the cowboy that he was here. I sometimes regret burying him in his chaps, but I know that they were his most favorite thing.

Papa

I've written many posts about the pain of losing a child. It hurts. It's awful and there have been times that I simply just wanted to die so I could be with my son again.

What I haven't written a lot about is losing my father in law a little over 2 weeks before Erik died. My husband had to experience the loss of his Dad as well as his first born child in a span of 2 weeks. I've seen my husband at his lowest points this last year. I've came home to find him crying. I've seen him after he's been crying for hours on end. I've seen him fall into depression and not want to do anything but sleep. I try to console him and tell him that it will be ok, but damn it, I really DON'T KNOW if it will ever be ok again. This coming Saturday will be one year since the last time I saw "Papa" alive. I had taken the kids over to show him their Halloween costumes. He was so excited to see them. I can remember how his face always lit up when his grandbabies walked in the door. He loved them like they were his own and would've done anything for us and for them. He was one of the greatest men that I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I miss him dearly, but I know that he and Erik are having a ball!!

Kyle and I have been dating for a little over 7 years. When we first got together, I remember going to his house and walking in the door to hear Papa say "damn girl, are you gonna get any taller" and then he laughed. Even through all of mine and Kyle's hard times, Papa never chose a side. His concern was always on our children. He was there for all of Erik's birthday parties - whether it was a swimming party, "pasture" party, or the party at the farm. He didn't miss them. He even walked close to a mile to get to the girls first birthday party at the park. Nothing was going to keep him from celebrating their life!

Kyle and I are trying our best to keep his memory alive since the girls were so young when he passed away. The girls recognize him in pictures and still say "Papa's house" when we ride by what is know Kent's house. He was a great man and I just wish my girls would've had the chance to know him like everyone else did.

RIP Papa (6/23/09 - 11/3/09)

A New Decade - July 27, 2010

It's hard to believe that I'll be 30 years old this time next week. I can remember when I was a teenager and thought that 30 year olds were OLD! Back then, I could've never imagined my life would be where it is today. I always imagined that I would be the unwed mother to about 5 kids lol. Not that I was planning to sleep around or anything, I just didn't want a husband. I knew I didn't want any kids before I turned 30 because I had planned to spend my twenties partying it up and causing trouble. But I guess the saying to tell God your plans and watch him laugh is true!

I was 23 years old when I REALLY fell in love for the first time. I was head over heels in love with a boy that caught my heart 10 years before. He never acknowledged me back then, but somehow or another always found his way to me when he wasn't attached.

I was 23 years old when I got pregnant with my sweet Erik. I had never in my life experienced so many emotions at one time. I was scared to death - not only of being pregnant, but telling my family I was pregnant and had only been in a relationship for 4 short months. I was in love with someone I hadn't even met yet. I was nervous, excited, worried, giddy, happy, sad, mad, and crazy!!!! Kyle and I decided that this was God's plan for us and we took the next step and moved in together. I didn't tell me family I was pregnant for another 3 months. And it only came out then because my oldest sister was preggo at the same time and I was tired of hearing all of her "baby stories" - jealous, yeah, I know. 7 months later on September 1, 2004 at 9:55 p.m., I welcomed the most beautiful baby that I had ever seen into the world. I was so grateful that he was healthy and finally out of me!!! I swore that night that I was NEVER going to be pregnant again. Me and pregnancy did not get along very well.

2 years later, my baby boy was no longer a "mama's boy" and wanted to spend most of his time with his Daddy - who he looked up to big time! So, I, got the itch for another baby. I call it temporary insanity, others call it the "baby itch". Kyle and I actually made plans to start trying for a baby soon after that. I don't think he was ready for another, but he knew not to argue with me or deny me. Month after month of nothing, I decided that it wasn't meant to be for us to have another baby, so we quit "trying". Which I believe was another "sign" because a couple of months later, my marriage almost fell apart. I took Erik and we moved into our own apartment in Greenwood. We were happy, but I knew Erik missed his Daddy and I still had this longing for another child. Somehow or another, Kyle and I managed to work out our differences and he moved in with us in August. By September, I was pregnant, I just didn't know it yet.

Come the end of August, we were doing some birthday shopping for Erik's 3rd bday party. We were in Walmart and my Mom asked Erik what he wanted for his bday and he said "a baby brother and a baby sister". I about fainted. I told him that he could give that idea up because we couldn't give him that. On September 9, just a week or two after Erik made his request, I took a pregnancy test and sure enough, I was pregnant. I can remember being in the bathroom and peeing on the stick with Erik looking on so curiously. He wanted to know every single detail of what I was doing and why I was doing it. When the 2 little lines showed up, I told him to run into the bedroom where Kyle was and tell him that he was going to be a big brother. I don't think Kyle was quite as thrilled as we were. And so began our journey of becoming a family of 4... or so we thought.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving, 2007. I had made plans to cook my first Thanksgiving meal for my family. In the midst of peeling potatoes for the potato salad, I had a very strange feeling. 2 seconds later, I was gushing blood everywhere. I ran into the bathroom and screamed for Kyle. He immediately called my mom and told her to hurry down to our house because we needed to head to the ER. Kyle and I sat in the bathroom and just cried because we just knew that I was losing our baby. Erik being the loving child that he was, came in the bathroom and made sure I was ok. A lot of time spent in the ER and a completely ruined Thanksgiving meal and we were headed back home with the news of not only were we not miscarrying, but we were gonna be blessed with twins. WOW!

A very rough 23 weeks later and I was being induced. I had reached my maximum stretching capabilities and Kaitlyn was not going to wait another day longer to be born. I couldn't walk, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything but cry! On May 1, 2008, we welcomed Kaitlyn into the world at 9:49 p.m. Almost 30 minutes later, her much smaller sister, Sienna came into the world screaming at 10:16 p.m. They were both very healthy and I was very happy to not be pregnant anymore!

I would tell you a little about the next few months, but honestly, it was all a blur!!! I can remember lots of diapers, lots of bottles, and not near enough sleep. Kaitlyn and Sienna are now 2 very healthy and happy little girls though. And that's all that matters.

18 months later and my world literally came crashing down around me. Everything I knew about happiness was crushed. Everything I knew about love diminished. Everything I knew to be my future was a distant memory. My first born child lost his life in a freak 4 wheeler accident on the afternoon of November 15, 2009. My life will never be the same again. I pretty much remember going through the next few months in a complete blur. I did what I had to do as a mother to twins, but that was about it. I dropped out of school because I couldn’t concentrate on anything for an extended amount of time. Adjusting to life without part of my heart wasn’t going to be easy.

Kyle and I decided that the best way to cope with Erik’s death was to have a place of our own and begin again. We moved out of my mom’s house and into our own little home. We brought most of Erik’s things with us and have semi – memorialized them in some way. Our computer/play room houses the majority of his stuff – signs from his room, 4 wheeler helmet, poster the kids at school made him, school work he did in his short span of kindergarten, his back pack from school, Christmas ornaments that are in some way a tribute to him, and many, many other things. At the end of our hallway is a shelf with all of his favorite things. At first, we didn’t want anyone touching that stuff, but that’s a lot easier said than done when 2 two year old’s have access to it. We have pictures of Erik all around our house – just small reminders that even though his body isn’t here on this Earth, his spirit will live on no matter where we are.

And now on to present day. I feel like I have grown more in the last 8.5 months than I had in the last 29 years. My life isn’t anywhere near the path that I wanted to be on, but it’s the path that was chosen for me and I’m ok with that. I miss my boy dearly – with every single breath I take, I think of him and wish that that part of my life could be different.

This weekend I will be going to get a tattoo just for Erik and I can’t wait. So, as I embark on a new decade, I look forward to the many things that God has in store for me. Here’s to my 30’s – may they be A LOT better than my 20’s!!!!

6 months - May 14, 2010

It's been 6 months since part of my heart was ripped out of my chest.

It's been 6 months since Erik last told me he loved me.

It's been 6 months since the last time I seen his big ole' brown eyes.

It's been 6 months since I experienced pure hell.

I heard so many times that "the pain will never go away, but it will get easier to deal with". I'm still waiting on the easier part to come. Nothing about losing my sweet boy has been easy.

I've somehow managed to not let losing Erik consume every single second of every single day, but it's still not easy not having him here with me. It's not easy going to places and realizing that the last time I was there was when Erik was with me. It's not easy when his name comes up in a conversation. It's not easy when I go watch Jake play ball. It's not easy watching my girls play and wondering why God had to take Erik from me. It's not easy listening to Big Green Tractor, but when I hear it, I turn it up and sing at the top of my lungs. It's not easy watching my nieces and nephews play together and seeing how different they are now. It's not easy seeing 6 year old boys. It's not easy when Kaitlyn and Sienna get in a mood when all they wanna talk about is their bubba. It's not easy thinking about all the things that will never be.

Nothing about losing a child is ever gonna become easy.

I miss Erik as much today as I did the second I knew he was gone. And even though I know that he's in heaven, I still worry about whether he's ok or not.

So as tomorrow comes and goes, I will try my best to remember all the good times that Erik and I had. Lord knows that we had more than a lifetime of fun together.

6 - March 31, 2010

Tomorrow my nephew turns 6. 5 months from tomorrow, my baby would've been six. 1 month from tomorrow my baby girls will be 2. Tomorrow is going to be rough. No doubt about it. I am in no way prepared for it. I saw my nephew at my Mom's this afternoon and when I mentioned tomorrow being his bday, I had to leave because I got all choked up. I love this little boy like my own child, but it just isn't fair that he gets to be 6.

Since we never found a needy family for Erik's Christmas stuff, I'm going to give Jake the skateboard that we had for Erik. Jake got one for Christmas, but it got run over and they haven't been able to find him another. I just hope I can make it through the bday party on Saturday long enough to see his face when he opens it.

Anyway.

Erik and Jake

Best buds at Erik's 5th bday party

7 Pounds - March 22, 2010

I'm going to apologize in advance, because if you read this, you're gonna think I have gone completely insane!

I'll keep this short because I'm exhausted and I honestly can't cry anymore. Up until 3 days ago, I was a subscriber to Netflix. I canceled our membership when I got the notification that I had sent a movie back that I then realized, I never watched. Couldn't justify spending the $$ every month and not watching the movies. Anyway. I check the mail on Saturday (one day after canceling our membership) to find a new movie from Netflix. I was confused because I knew I got the notification that I had indeed canceled the membership. I pulled the movie out tonight and made Kyle watch it tonight. I had heard of Seven Pounds and knew that it was a good movie, but I didn't really know what it was about.

We started watching it and a good hour into the movie, Kyle and I were completely confused. He told me to turn it off several times because it was "dumb". I told him to keep watching because it had Will Smith in it and I was pretty sure he wasn't going to make a "dumb" movie. So, we kept watching.

It wasn't until the very end when I realized that "Ben's" plan all along was to commit suicide and save other people. I knew that he had watched Ezra who was blind and slowly fell for Emily, who needed a heart. I didn't put it all together though.

At the very end when he sit in the tub and lets a jellyfish attack him, I was heartbroken. Then I realized what his plan was all along. I sat there in tears when Ezra got his eyes and Emily got her heart.

Doesn't mean much to you huh? Well, let me put it to you like this. Ben was Erik. No, Erik didn't commit suicide, but he gave eyes to a blind person and a heart to someone who needed one.

Now, what are the chances that I cancel my Netflix membership and still get THIS movie in the mail? What are the chances?????????????

Erik Quarles - you are still as sneaky as ever. I love you always and forever!

4 months - March 14, 2010

Saturday night, Kyle and I (and the girls) went out to eat at Red Lobster. We were sitting there waiting on our table and 2 couples sat down beside us. The girls were being their typical entertaining selves and one of the older ladies asked Sienna what her name was. And of course, like always, she replied Erik. I corrected her, but she kept saying Erik. I told the lady her name was Sienna. She then asked Kaitlyn, and Kaitlyn too replied Erik. I told the lady her correct name. The lady then asked who Erik was. I felt a panic attack coming on. I told her that Erik was their brother. She asked how old he was. I said 5. She turned away. I was relieved. For a moment. Sienna then got my phone out of the bag and was babbling on and on about whatever and the lady noticed. She asked if she was talking to Erik. Sienna said yes. Luckily at that moment our table got called. I think that was God's way of helping us avoid the "well where is Erik" question. I probably would've lost it right then and there had the question came up. Here I am answering all these questions like Erik is spending the night at Grandma's or something. Which I was quite content with. I have been wondering all day how I would've answered had she asked that "question" and to be honest, I probably would've answered the same way Kaitlyn and Sienna do when we ask them where Erik is. He is at home.

On this day, 4 months ago, my baby boy went home. On this day, 4 months ago, half of my heart broke into a million tiny pieces that will NEVER be put together again.

I heard a song on the radio the other day; one that I've heard a million times before, I've even sang along to it and cried. Little did I know that this same song would have a real meaning on this day, 4 months ago.

The song is by Kenny Chesney. The name of the song is Who You'd Be Today. Here's the chorus...

Sunny Days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you every where I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair, you died too young
Like a story that had just begun,
but death, tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I been through
Just knowing that no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today....

....Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday.


These past 4 months have definitely been the hardest of my ENTIRE life. I keep trying to tell myself that there is no way it can get any worse, but lately, I'm really beginning to wonder. Baseball season has started and it hurts SO BAD that my boy isn't suited up and getting ready to play. That child absolutely loved baseball. I can't remember a day last summer that he wasn't dressed in his sliding shorts, baseball pants, and cleats. He had worn a spot in my Mama's yard where he and the other boys had slid into home so many times. There were days that I could've sworn that Erik could've filled a sand box with all the dirt in his clothes. His goal was to get as dirty and as nasty as possible. He did a pretty good job of that. It's gonna be so hard going to my Mama's house when it warms up and going swimming and not having Erik there swimming with me. He was a great swimmer. I can remember him being terrified of the pool at the beginning of the summer last year and being like a pro by the end of the summer. He was swimming in the deep water, going under, and being like a little fish. And even though it was summer and extremely hot most days, Erik still had to get fully dressed and "work". He would put on a shirt, usually long sleeved, long pants and those cowboy boots. He had to have a hat too. And depending on what kind of "work" he was gonna be doing, he had to have tools. Just like his Daddy. There is a huge gash in one of the trees at my Mom's house where Erik was constantly trying to saw it down. I'll have to remember the next time I'm there to take a picture of it. It's quite impressive for a small kid who was 4 at the time most of the sawing took place.

On tonight's episode of Extreme Makeover, Home Edition, a family had a very sick son who had recently had a heart implant. The whole show talked about how important it is to become a donor. In that instant, I was proud of Erik (and myself and Kyle) for making the decision to donate Erik's organs. One of the ladies speaking at the end of the show talked about how one family's sacrifice saved her life. My heart smiled.

Tonight as I type this Note, I'm thinking of all the things that I would say to Erik if I could have just one more day with him. I would apologize for all the fussing. I would tell him how beautiful he is. I would buy him anything in the world that he asked for. I would kiss his lips a million times, but most of all I would look into those big beautiful brown eyes and just tell him that I loved him over and over again. It doesn't seem like it's been 4 months, but at the same time, I feel like it's been forever. I miss him more than these words could ever express and I love him more than he ever knew. He was my heart, my soul, my little buddy, my cowboy and my scooter (that's what I always called him "scooter"). I yearn for the day that we're together again and can't wait to hold him in my arms, but until that day, I will hold him in my heart and smile when I think of him.

Bothersome

I've come to realize that not only did I lose the most precious thing ever given to me in November, I also lost what I thought were some great friends. Nothing like being used and then forgotten about when you need friends the most.

Thankfully, I've had some even better friends come into my life since Erik died and I am so grateful for them.

Ok - that is all for now...

Proud - March 6, 2010

Yesterday as I was opening the mail, I came across a package. I opened it to find a gold medal from LifePoint - the organization that harvests organs from people who have died.

When Erik died, we opted to donate whatever could be used. Since he was so young, the only things that could be used were his corneas and his 4 heart valves.

Getting that medal in the mail made me even more proud that Erik was my son. I would much rather have him here in my arms, but since I can't, knowing that other people, possibly kids have been helped brings me peace.

Rest in Peace sweet angel - Mama continues to be proud of you every single day!

Snow Day - February 13, 2010

After I posted that last note, I got to thinking about how selfish I sounded. I honestly didn’t mean to sound so selfish because I truly am grateful for the 5 wonderful years that I had with Erik. He made my life worth living and I gained so much from him.

I know that there are a lot of parents who have said that having a kid “saved” their life, but when I say that Erik saved mine, I mean that. Before I got pregnant with Erik, I was on a very destructive path. I was going out every single night and basically drinking my life away. The 12 or so months before I got pregnant with Erik are almost a complete blur. When I got pregnant with Erik, I vowed to be the best mother that I could be to him and do whatever it took to give him a good life. I think I made good on that promise. It wasn’t always easy. It wasn’t always fun and games, but I loved every single second that I had with him. Even down to those seconds we spent arguing and fighting about what clothes he was going to wear to school or whether or not he was going to brush his teeth before going to bed (I always won that argument btw!) Erik was a total joy. He was opinionated, determined, and the most loving child I’ve ever known. He may have been slow to warm up to new people, but once he got to know you, he loved you and more than likely, you fell in love with him.

Anyway. With all the beautiful snow that we’ve had in the last 2 days, I can’t help but thinking how much fun Erik would’ve had. He never got to experience real snow like we just had. He never had the chance to go out and play for hours and build a snow man, or ride a sled or eat snowcream. The first time it snowed when he was alive, he was too little to do anything but look at it. The second time (which was March 1, 2009), it turned to ice the next day and wasn’t worth playing in. He would’ve had a ball playing in the snow with us. As we were out riding dirt roads last night, I could hear him laughing in the back seat at the doughnuts that Kyle and Big D were doing. I can hear him telling Kyle to do it again. I could hear his little country voice telling Kyle to get in that mud hole one more time. We went over to a friend of ours this morning so that he could pull the kayak behind the 4 wheeler. I instantly thought of Erik going crazy on his 4 wheeler just to see how bad he could mess up the snow. I could see him taking off through the snow and just eating up every single second of it. I imagine that he would’ve played so hard by now that taking a nap would’ve been his idea – or maybe he would still be begging Kyle to play in the little bit that’s left. Either way, I know that he would’ve loved to experience real snow.
Racing season has started up again too and I’m really gonna miss hearing Erik and Kyle go on and on about Jimmie Johnson. Erik was obsessed just because Kyle was. He never sat down to watch a race, but he would always ask who won. He ragged me about not liking Jimmie Johnson and loved rubbing it in my face when JJ won. Which was quite often!

I didn’t really have a point in writing this note other than to talk about my boy a little more. I miss him like crazy and it seems like my computer is the only “thing” I can really talk to him about without getting looks of pity.

Continue loving your kids for me and if they wanna go out and play in the snow “just one last time”, take them! (if just for me! – I promise you won’t regret it!)