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"If you lost your keys, you'd be upset.
Your car, you'd be stranded.
Your job, you'd be frightened.
Your home, you'd be heartbroken.
All of these can be remedied.
The loss of a child is forever."

I saw this quote on FB today and I absolutely LOVE it.  There are times I'd love to shove these words down someone's throat when they complain about nothing, but I just sit back like always and bite my tongue.

But for those people.... DO NOT COMPLAIN TO ME ABOUT STUFF YOU'VE LOST!!!! Everything you've lost is replaceable!!!  Erik is NOT!!!!

103?

I was just looking at my blogger homepage and realized that this will be my 103rd post!  Wow!  I can't believe I've had that much to write about.  Well, I can, but not really.

Today my sweet niece, Alyssa, is celebrating her 2nd birthday.  I can't believe that's she's already 2 years old!  Seems like it was just yesterday that I was taking pictures of her sweet newborn face - which was almost identical to her older brother!  She brings such joy to my life and I am so grateful that she loves me as much as I love her!  I can't wait to see her tonight and get me some 2 year old lovin!

Happy birthday Alyssa!  Aunt Ashley loves you to the moon and back!!!

Alyssa - just minutes old

Me and Alyssa at my bday party

Wordless Wednesday

So much for those plans

Those that know me, know that I am a BIG planner. I love to have things planned out and planning gives me an opportunity to get my mind off of things it shouldn't be on.

Well, Erik's 7th birthday is coming up in a matter of weeks - 2 to be exact. 6 months ago (if not longer) I had his whole celebration planned out. We were going to do 7 of his favorite things - some of which were playing baseball, swimming, going to church, eating lunch at the drug store, playing with sidewalk chalk, eating his favorite meal and I was stuck on what number 7 should be. Anyway, now that I'm doing invites for the celebration, none of these ideas sound good enough. Honestly, I'm not feeling the whole getting together thing with people period. I think I'd like to crawl in a hole somewhere until about January, 2012, but I know that wouldn't do me any good. Nor would it take all my pain away.

So now I'm back to the beginning and trying to figure out what would best honor my soon to be 7 year old angel. If only he were here, I wouldn't have to plan so hard because he'd know exactly what kind of birthday he'd want!

Today marks 21 long months without seeing his sweet face. I never in a million years thought I would see another day after losing Erik, but somehow, I've managed to see another 638 days.

1st & 21st

Tomorrow is the 1st day of school for Ware Shoals.

Tomorrow, Erik should be starting 2nd grade.

Tomorrow is 21 months since I last seen my sweet boy alive.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna need every ounce of strength I can muster just to get out of bed.

God, please help me.

Wordless Wednesday

Birthday

Today is my 31st birthday. I'm one who usually looks forward to birthday's because turning another year older - even if it is 31 - is a milestone to celebrate.

I woke up to tons and tons of FB messages and I was thrilled to read them all. The girls gave me lots of birthday love and wanted to know when my party was. LOL I told them when you get my age, you don't really have birthday parties. Well, unless you plan one for yourself, which I've done... I can't wait for that btw, but it's not until the 13th. I told Kaitlyn that I wanted her to sing Happy Birthday to me and she said it would have to wait until my birthday party :( We'll see if that actually happens!

Anyway. I was fine with today up until I dropped the girls off at school and was alone in the car with my thoughts. I immediately thought of my sweet baby boy and how I would do ANYTHING to have him here to celebrate another birthday with. Turning another year older is NOT fair, especially when Erik will never have another earthly birthday. It was then that I broke down and screamed at God and demanded to know "Why?".

Why am I allowed to turn another year older and my innocent 5 year old can't. He didn't deserve to die. I've done so much wrong in my life that I deserve to never have another birthday.

UGH!

1 year, 8 months, 17 days

That's how long it's been since my sweet boy left this earth. I have missed him every single day that he's been gone.

Since August is here, all I'm hearing about is parents shopping for school supplies or new school clothes & shoes. I would give ANYTHING to be able to buy my sweet boy school supplies and new clothes. He's supposed to be in the 2nd grade this year. I took Kaitlyn & Sienna to the mall the other day and I couldn't help but want to get out of there as fast as I could. The stores were FULL of people and their kids preparing for the new school year. I told the girls that I sure wish I was taking their Bubbie shopping. Kaitlyn looked at me with her big blue eyes and said "me too, Mama". I don't think she had a clue what she was talking about, but she knew that I was hurting.

These last few months of the year are definitely the hardest for me. Erik's birthday and then his Angelversary and then Thanksgiving and Christmas. I can feel my heart breaking all over again and I'm at the point where all I wanna do is crawl into a whole and wish the rest of the year away.

Busy days ahead!

Today marks the first day of August.

I'll be another year older on Wednesday.

Scrapbooking is this Saturday.

My "Minute to Win It" Birthday party is on August 13.

My sweet boy would've been another year older in exactly a month. His 7th birthday is September 1st.

I've got big plans for his celebration and I'm actually looking forward to his birthday this year. That will probably change the closer it gets, but right now - I'm not dreading the day like I did last year.

I know what I have planned so far for him is going to be perfect - just like him. I can't wait to share my plans with everyone....

32 days and counting!

Scrapbooking

Wow! I can't believe that it's already August!!! Where has this year gone? It seems like I was just putting my Christmas tree up and telling Santa what to bring the girls. The last 8 months have flown by that's for sure!

Last Wednesday, a reporter from The Index Journal came and interviewed me regarding a scrapbooking event that a dear friend, along with myself are putting together. Up until that interview, I wasn't really feeling the idea of this event. I knew that I wanted to scrapbook - because I love doing it - but I wasn't fond of being behind putting everything together. And then Erin (the reporter) left. That's when it hit me that I'm doing this event for Erik. I'm doing this because I want other bereaved parents to know that they are not alone. They are not alone in their crazy thoughts or their anger or their hurt. I know what they're going through. If one person benefits from Saturday's scrapbooking event, then it was all worth it! Anyway - the article ran in the paper on Saturday and I am in awe at how many people have made comments to me or Kyle about it. They think it's awesome that Sharon and I are honoring our boys this way and I couldn't have been more proud to have done the interview. I just hope that we have a good turn out come Saturday. (PS - If you want more info or would like to attend, email me ashley.hiteandstone@gmail.com!)

I've been putting scrapbook pages together like mad so that I'll have something to show those that show up. I think I worked on pages for about 6 hours yesterday! Scrapbooking is definitely one of those things that you can get lost in! I had a few breakdowns looking through the many pictures I have of Erik. It absolutely breaks my heart that I'll never take another picture of him. Once I complete his scrapbook, I'll never be able to start on another one.

When I'm working on Erik's book, I have SO many thoughts racing through my head - crazy stuff! I question whether I should label his pictures in the past tense or if I should label them like he's still here. I feel like I should use every single picture I've ever taken of him - whether it's a good picture or not. I feel guilty for putting pictures to the side, but I know it's not realistic to want to use every picture I've ever taken of him. Trust me - that's a LOT of pictures!!!!

Anyway - I plan to get lost in his pictures again today after work. I can't wait to show off my work come Saturday!