Holidays

I seriously need to be a better blogger!

Ugh, I just can't seem to find my groove.  The holidays are here in full force and I'm honestly just trying to survive.

I miss Erik as usual.
This time of the year is just another reminder of everything I'm missing out on with him.

And we're broke.

It's pretty hard to get into the Christmas spirit.

I hope that 2013 is a better blogging year for me, but until then, I'll still be doing random posts with too many pictures.

I hope y'all stay with me!

Women Connect '12

I'm linking up with Becky at From Mrs. To Mama for

Well, who am I?  

I'm Ashley.

I'm 32 years old.

I've been married to Kyle for almost 9 years.

We are the very proud parents of Erik, Kaitlyn & Sienna.

Erik is my guardian angel.

Kaitlyn and Sienna are my fraternal twins.  They turned 4 on May 1st.

I started blogging about 2 years ago.  I was desperate to find other Mama's like me.

I needed to know I wasn't alone.

I had to know that I would be ok after having to bury my first born child.

Since then, I have found some of the most amazing women.

Most of these women have inspired me and helped me more than they will ever know.

I am grateful for the blogging community and if my blog can help another Mom, then it was worth all the tears I poured into it.

I hope that you'll stick around and read about my little family.

I love reading new blogs and I love even more when I get a new follower ;)

Say Nothing Saturday

Family Pictures

My little family along with my brother and two sisters had family pictures made a couple of weekends ago.  I knew that they were going to be good, but I had no idea how wonderful they would be!!!

I got our cd back today and I haven't stopped smiling since!  If you're in my area, you should definitely check out Anna Pursley Photography.  She's in Abbeville and does an AMAZING job!!!

See!!!!

Will, Alyssa, Jake, Kaitlyn, Chase, Chandler and Sienna
My sweet boy will always be missing :(

Taking us for a ride on that Big Green Tractor!!!

My sweet little family
(BTW - I hate my freaking hair!! This growing it out process is killing me!!!!!)

Yep, I'm in trouble when they're older!

All of us - minus my sister Jennifer and her hubby, Phil

We had to do a jumping picture!!!
Gotta love my brother turning my sister in law into a cheerleader!  LMAO

I am so thankful that Anna was able to capture such precious memories of my family.  I can't wait to get these printed out and onto my walls!!!

Say Nothing Saturday

November 15.... again

Ugh, here we are at yet another angelversary.

3 long years.  How in the world is that even possible.  I am definitely living proof that you can, in fact, live with a broken heart.

November 15.  3 long years without Erik.  It just doesn't seem possible whatsoever.  I feel like I was just feeling his little arms around my neck.

December, 2007

Today, I'm choosing to be happy.  Yes, it's been 3 years without half of my heart, but that also means it's 3 years closer to getting to see him again.

And what a glorious day that will be!!!!

My sweet Erik - 

You already know all of the thoughts in my head, but I feel like I have to say them out loud.  I miss you more today than yesterday and less than I will tomorrow.  I love you so very much and I still can't grasp the fact that you're really gone.  You are never far from my thoughts and I am so proud that I got to be your Mama.

You were THE BEST thing that ever happened to me and your Daddy.  You were the best big brother to Kaitlyn & Sienna.

We love you to the moon and back and can NOT wait for our reunion in Heaven.

Love,
Mama

Angelversary Eve - Eve

11.13.12 - 2 days til the dreaded day

This time last year I was a complete wreck.  I cried at every little thing, whether it was dealing with Erik or not.  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't prevent the tears from falling.  Not that I wanted to not cry, but I needed to be able to function considering my job (and family) sord of depended on me.

Today, I can't even recognize that person.  I am a completely different person this year.  I have rarely cried - matter of fact, the only time the tears have come is while I was typing the article that I wanted to go along with Erik's picture in our local newspaper.

I continue to feel like I'm looking in on someone else's life.  As much as it breaks my heart, I can honestly admit that I have disconnected myself from Erik's death.  I don't know how or why or even when it happened, but it did.

Last Friday after I dropped the girls off at school, I went to the cemetery to take Erik's halloween decorations down.  I sat there for a while and talked to him.  Usually, I can't get a word out without completely breaking down and then leaving in tears.  That wasn't the case on this day.  I never shed a tear and part of me felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. :/

Like I said in my last post, I know that I need to grieve my son.  I know that I need to release all of the hurt, anger, sadness, bitterness and pain that I feel.  I know that I need to do this mostly for myself, but also for my beautiful girls and my husband.

But...

I have suppressed my emotions for so long that I don't know how to grieve anymore.  I have tried to find triggers in the last week or so that will make me have a full on breakdown, but it doesn't happen.  It's like I've forgotten how to cry.

I was telling someone the other day that it's like I have multiple personality disorder or something.  There's the Ashley who lost her son and can't think of anything but how he's not here to live his life and then there's the Ashley who never had a son and then there's the Ashley who knows she had a son, but can't remember him.  Although here lately, I've mainly been the latter Ashley.  Very few people have ever seen the first Ashley.  I don't have enough trust in my heart to reveal that side of me to anyone.  Even Kyle has only had glimpses of that side of me.  The side of me that feels like she never had a son is probably the hardest thing I've admitted in a long time.  How can I honestly feel that way when everything around me reminds me that I did in fact have a beautiful, charming and funny little boy.

Grief.

Ugh.

I just miss my boy.  I can't believe that I've lived without him for almost 3 years.  How is that even possible??

Christmas Day, 2008

My handsome brown - eyed cowboy

This was taken exactly a week before he died.
Perfect.

The very last picture I have of Erik 11.12.09

Same, but different.

I have been a lousy blogger lately.  I have plenty to say, but each time I start writing, the words appear to be so familiar that I can't finish a single post.

It then hits me why all of my words feel like they've been said before.... it's because they have.  Almost 3 years without my son and nothing has changed.

I still miss him like crazy.

He's not coming back.

There's not many different ways to say that.  I get tired of saying it myself so I'm sure you guys are tired of reading about it.

My heart is still broken.  I'm almost positive that it always will be.

PTSD has been my saving grace here lately.

Yeah, I thought that was pretty ironic too.

I know at some point I need to really grieve my son.  Right now though, I just can't.  I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I let my emotions take over.  I'm afraid for my marriage.  I'm afraid for my beautiful girls.

So, until the time to really let go comes, I'll keep pretending that everything is ok.

Erik seems to just be a figment of my imagination and as much as I feel like I'm disgracing his memory (and him), that's the way it has to be.  For now.

I'm not emotionally stable enough to let the tears come.

I'm not physically strong enough to grieve my son and be the mother that my girls need.

Please pray for me in the coming days.

3 years without him is way too long.

Say Nothing Saturday

Family Photo Preview
11.03.12
Photo by Anna Pursley Photography

Papa

Today marks 3 years without one of the greatest men I've ever known.

I can still hear his hilarious laugh.

I can still see the love in his eyes for his great grandchildren.

I can still hear him saying to me "Damn, are you gonna get any taller?!"

Dear Papa,

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you.  

I am so grateful that you are up there taking care of my sweet boy.

Please remind him how much I love and miss him.

I can't believe it's been 3 years since you left us.

I wish so much that you were here to spoil these silly girls rotten like you did with Erik.

It breaks my heart that they never really got to know you.

I miss you so very much.

Say Nothing Saturday

November Birthday's and Angelversaries

Angel Birthday’s

Owen Bissing - 11.10.2010 - Owen's Little Warriors

Avery Lynn Canahuati - 11.11.2011 - Avery's Story

Adam James - 11.13.10 - Adam's Story

Scott Boggs - 11.14.1975

Isabella Hope - 11.14.08

PFC Justin Whitmire - 11.19.1991

Tiffany Anderson - 11.21.1984

John Pearman - 11.27.1948

Matthew - 11.28.2009 - Matthew's Story

Ethan Joshua Wallace - Ethan's Story

Julia - 11.30.2010 - Julia's Story

Cora - 11.30.11 - Cora's Story

Angel Lifeday's

Aiden Jackson - 11.02.2010 - Aiden's Story

Faith Elizabeth - 11.03.96 - Faith's Story

Grace Katherine - 11.03.96 - Grace's Story

Eve - 11.18.2011 - Eve's Story

Angelversaries

Robin Hodges - 11.08.1999

Savanna Dawn Bogue - 11.12.10 - Savanna's Story

Erik Quarles - 11.15.09

Bryce Caison - 11.18.2009 - Bryce's Story

Derrick Jones - 11.23.1997

Levi Daniel - 11.23.2011

Hope Barrett - 11.27.2005

Matthew - 11.29.2009 - Matthew's Story

**If you would like to have your angel's information added, please contact me**