Happy Halloween!!

I'll let the pictures do the talking!  Enjoy!

Capture Your Grief - Day 31

Day 31 - Sunset

Capture Your Grief - Day 29

Day 29 - Music

I wrote a post back in April about all the songs that reminded me of Erik.  You can see that here.

But the one song that has the most meaning is definitely this one:

Big Green Tractor

Capture Your Grief - Day 28

Day 28 - Memory

How in the world am I suppose to decide on my favorite memory out of the 5 years worth that I have of Erik?!

Probably the Number 1 memory would be the day I met Erik for the first time - 

Wednesday, September 1, 2004 at 9:55 p.m.

I fell in love.

July 9, 2005 - 

Erik said his first real word...

Tractor!!

July 11, 2005 - 

Erik took his first steps.

September 1, 2005 - 

One year old!!!

September 1, 2006 - 

2 years old!!

December 26, 2006 - 

Erik was completely potty trained.

September 1, 2007 - 

3 years old!!

September 9, 2007 - 

Erik is gonna be a BIG brother!!

May 1, 2008 - 

Erik meets his sisters!

September 1, 2008 - 

4 years old!!!

August 18, 2009 -

First day of Kindergarten!!

September 1, 2009 - 

5 years old!!!

October 31, 2009 - 

Erik's last Halloween

November 3, 2009 - 

Erik had to say goodbye to his Papa

November 8, 2009

The last picture of my three babies together

November 12, 2009 - 

Erik's last night in MY house in HIS bed

November 14, 2009 - 

Erik's last sleep

November 15, 2009 - 

Happy, smiling, full of life and ready to ride his 4 wheeler for the last time

November 18, 2009 - 

My reality

Say Nothing Saturday

Capture Your Grief - Day 27

Day 27 - Artwork

This was drawn for me by a dear friend's mother.
It hangs about our fireplace and it's the first thing most people see when they walk into our house.

Capture Your Grief - Day 26

Day 26 - His Age

Five years, 2 months, 15 days

1902 days

164,332,800 seconds

2,738,880 minutes

45,648 hours

271 weeks

Capture Your Grief - Day 24

Day 24 - Siblings

I see so much of Erik in both of them
(Sienna and Kaitlyn)

Capture Your Grief - Day 23

Day 23 - Their Name/Their Photo

Samuel Erik Quarles

Samuel is after his uncle, Kyle's brother.

Erik is after a high school friend who was killed in a tragic car accident in 1997.  Ironic, huh?

His last professional picture.
Kindergarten, 2009

Capture Your Grief - Day 22

Day 22 - Place of Care/Birth

I don't have an actual picture of the hospital that Erik was born in, but it was at St. Francis Women and Children's Hospital in Greenville, SC.

Capture Your Grief - Day 21

Day 21 - Altar/Shrine/Sacred Place

This is the curio cabinet we bought to put special things of Erik's in.  Each of the 5 shelves represents something he either loved or reminds us of him.

The first two shelves are things I've collected that remind me of Erik.

The third shelf are all the Big Green Tractors he had collected in his 5 years.  We've added a couple here and there, but most of them he already had.

The fourth shelf are his 4 wheelers and baseball memorabilia - including his glove, batting glove and bat.

The bottom shelf is his collection of Jimmie Johnson stuff.  Kyle has added quite a bit in the last 3 years, but just like the tractors, Erik had a good collection going already.

I love being able to see this shelf every single time we walk into the kitchen.  It means the world to me and I think I would honestly try to break my back to carry all of this out on my own if our house were to ever catch on fire.  Losing this shelf and all of it's contents would probably put me on over the deep end.

Say Nothing Saturday

Capture Your Grief - Day 20

Day 20 - Charity/Organization

Many of you know about Erik's Rodeo.  I started it in hopes of helping other bereaved families, but I had no idea how many steps and hoops I had to jump through to get it off the ground.

I'm steadily working my way towards that and I eventually hope to donate memory boxes to our local hospital for use when an older child dies.

Capture Your Grief - Day 19

Day 19 - Project

I've worked on a lot of things since losing Erik.  I created Erik's Rodeo in February of this year with the hopes of helping other bereaved families in our area.  But because of all the hoops that I'm having to jump through, this project has been put on the back burner for now.

The biggest project I've taken on since Erik died is completing his scrapbooks.  I've always been an avid scrapbooker, but when Erik came along, that hobby got put on the back burner.  I completed a couple of pages in his first book and never picked it up again. 

Until last year.  I've poured lots and lots of time into completely each year of his life.  So far, I've got 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008 and 2009 put together.  I've got the pictures from 2007 printed, but I've yet to start putting them on paper.  A lot of that has to do with the fact that once I'm done, I'm done.

The orange, baby blue, dark blue and blue gingham hold my memories of Erik

Capture Your Grief - Day 18

Day 18 - Your Family Portrait

June, 2009

November, 2010

Capture Your Grief - Day 17

Day 17 - Dates

Capture Your Grief - Day 16

Day 16 - Release

Erik's Birthday 09.01.12

35 Months

The title says it all.

How has it possibly been 35 months since I touched you?

Kissed you?

Hugged you?

Looked into your big brown eyes?

Heard you laugh?

Fell in love even more when you smiled?

35 months without you sweet boy and yet it still continues to feel like it was yesterday.  My memories of you are becoming clouded and it breaks my heart all over again.  I find myself forgetting what you sounded like.  I play videos to try and remember, but yet the little boy in those videos is like a stranger to me.

I still look at pictures of you and I'm blown away by the beautiful child staring back at me.  I continue to feel like this is some bad nightmare.  It's only when someone else mentions your story that it hits me that this is really my life.  My child is dead.  You are gone.

I wake up every morning and question how I've lived this long without you.  There are times that I amaze myself.

This morning on the way to work, I played your song.  I cried harder than I've cried in a long time.  Most days I can listen to it a million times and be ok.  Today was an exception.

I miss you Erik.

I know you know that.  You've visited friends and told them how heart broken I am.

I hope you know that even though my memories are clouded that I will never forget you.  You are the love of my life and memories like that can't be forgotten.

I love you cowboy - to the moon and back.

Capture Your Grief - Day 15

Day 15 - Wave of Light

Today marks 35 long heart breaking months without Erik.  It is also Pregnancy, Infant and Baby Loss Day.  Although Erik was 5 years old, he was and still is my baby boy.

Tonight, I light a candle in his memory and in memory of all of the babies gone too soon.

I love you cowboy, to the moon and back!!