Monday, October 15, 2012

35 Months

The title says it all.

How has it possibly been 35 months since I touched you?

Kissed you?

Hugged you?

Looked into your big brown eyes?

Heard you laugh?

Fell in love even more when you smiled?

35 months without you sweet boy and yet it still continues to feel like it was yesterday.  My memories of you are becoming clouded and it breaks my heart all over again.  I find myself forgetting what you sounded like.  I play videos to try and remember, but yet the little boy in those videos is like a stranger to me.

I still look at pictures of you and I'm blown away by the beautiful child staring back at me.  I continue to feel like this is some bad nightmare.  It's only when someone else mentions your story that it hits me that this is really my life.  My child is dead.  You are gone.

I wake up every morning and question how I've lived this long without you.  There are times that I amaze myself.

This morning on the way to work, I played your song.  I cried harder than I've cried in a long time.  Most days I can listen to it a million times and be ok.  Today was an exception.

I miss you Erik.

I know you know that.  You've visited friends and told them how heart broken I am.

I hope you know that even though my memories are clouded that I will never forget you.  You are the love of my life and memories like that can't be forgotten.

I love you cowboy - to the moon and back.


Jamie said...

<3 It is amazing to me that we have survived, are surviving. I saw on another childloss mama blog that she had a saying, "I can do hard things." I wish we didn't have to do hard things

Ashley said...

((hugs)) That is probably my favorite picture of you two. I am sure that he would love to hug and kiss you one last time as well. Thinking of you always - I will be lighting a candle tonight at 7pm in memory of our boys <3

Amy (Nevaeh's Mommy) said...

so sorry you know this pain....

Kim said...

My heart is breaking for you as I look at that picture of you and your sweet boy and reading your post. Sending lots of love.

brigette said...

Hugs mama!! Such a tender post I can feel your love and emotions for him!! Lots of love sent your way!!

Tesha said...

Tears.....Praying for you.