During the week leading up to Erik's funeral, I continued to snap pictures. As much as I wished I still had my boy, I knew that I would eventually want to document his death. The only way I knew how to do that was through pictures. I had my best friend take pictures of everything before Erik was buried. That included Erik. I swore I would never show anyone the pictures, but here lately, the images in those pictures have steadily been haunting me. When I close my eyes, I don't see the beautiful brown eyed boy who was so full of life. I see the swollen, lifeless body laying in that wooden casket.
I thought I had hidden the pictures from myself until I came across them on Sunday as I was cleaning out our playroom/scrapbooking room. I was throwing stuff away left and right and as I cleaned out the last drawer in my scrapbooking shelf, the pictures fell out. I was literally gasping for breath.
I decided that I needed to put the pictures on my blog so that I could basically let go of them like I do all my thoughts, but I wanted to white out Erik's face so that nobody else has those awful last images of his beautiful face etched in their mind the way that I do.
Erik looked nothing like himself and it breaks my heart that the funeral home didn't do a better job, but I know they did the best that they could. His hands and face were so swollen from the accident and I could tell that his eyes were gone because of the way his eyelids were.
2 years, 2 months and 15 days later, I can still smell that familiar smell of the funeral home (I haven't been in that funeral home or any funeral home since Erik died). I can still smell the formaldehyde used to embomb his little body. I can still see the stitches poking out behind his ear from where the autopsy was performed. I can still feel his cold, hard hands in mine.
These memories are some of the few that I wish I could forget. These memories are the ones that stand out over ALL the memories I have of Erik during his 5 years of life. This is the hell that I live in every.single.day.
|We had to make sure he had his favorite blankie.|
|Had to have a big green tractor too.|
|The medal is from his bff from Kindergarten. It was his wrestling medal.|
|We put everything down inside the casket so it wouldn't be up at his face.|