I had good intentions of blogging over the weekend, but it just didn't happen. I'm sure I could've written a book with all the emotions stirring in me leading up to yesterday (Sunday).
Yesterday - Sunday - the 15th marked 18 months since Erik went to be with Jesus. Every month on the 15th is hard, but the 18th month milestone was especially hard because it also fell on a Sunday. Friday, May 13 marked 18 months since Erik's last day of Kindergarten. Thursday, May 12 was 18 months since Erik last slept in his bed. It was also the last time I tucked him into bed and kissed him goodnight.
I feel like a broken record talking about the same thing all the time. I feel like if I keep writing about my new reality that it will become more real because even after 18 months it STILL feels like a horrible, horrible nightmare.
I miss Erik every single second of every single day. Not a minute goes by that I'm not wondering "what if". I can only imagine what a fun, caring and mischevious almost 7 year old he would be today. I'm always picturing him outside playing with his sisters. I wonder how he would've done in 1st grade. I wonder what exciting things he would wanna be doing this summer. I wonder if he'd have as much fun at Mimi's on the River as his cousins do on Sunday afternoon's. I know that he would've had a blast camping out for Chase's birthday party. I even wonder if he'd call Shannon "girl Shannon" like the girls do. LOL I wonder if he'd be mad when Kyle did his monthly fishing tourney's and he didn't get to go. I bet he'd still love getting all dressed up for church on Sunday's. I wonder whay he'd be wanting for his 7th birthday coming up in September. I'm sure he would've had a crazy cake request for Diane. He always did!
18 months later and the what if's, what could've, should've & would've beens are still there - every single day. Such a promising future that was cut WAY too short.
I've tried so hard to lead a life that Erik would be proud of. I'll be the first to admit that I've failed miserably. I've done things that I'm not proud of. I haven't been the wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend or employee that I should've been. I've been distant, withdrawn, depressed and just "here". I feel like I have just been present the last 18 months and haven't really been living my life. I feel like I've cheated Kaitlyn and Sienna out of the mother they deserve. I definitely haven't parented them as well as I did Erik. I feel awful about it, but I don't know how to fix it or make myself a better person for them. The person I use to be died along with Erik on November 15, 2009. That Ashley is dead and I have no idea how to welcome the Ashley that is here today. She just doesn't fit into the life I'm trying to live.
Anyway. The last 18 months have been hell to put it lightly. I wish more than anything that I could change this awful path I'm on.
After making the girls birthday invitations, I realized I REALLY missed scrap booking. I decided to pull all of my stuff out and get started back on Erik's scrap book that I started when he was born in September, 2004. I've been printing pictures of Erik like crazy and it has really warmed my heart to jump back into this with full force. Over the last month, I've added about 10 - 12 pages to Erik's Memorial Book. I've got a long way to go, but I know that since I've started again, I'll go until I'm finished with it. I can't wait to see the finished product!