Visits

Yesterday after supper, Kyle and I loaded the girls up and headed to the church to visit with Erik and to see the Easter arrangement that my Mama put on his grave. Everytime that we make the drive to our church, my stomach gets butterflies and I feel like I need to puke. For those of you that didn't know - Erik is buried in our church's cemetery. The same church that we go to every single Sunday. The same church that Erik was dedicated at shortly before he turned a year old. The same church that has embraced our little family and helped us get through this terrible, terrible tragedy. It's extremely hard going to visit Erik. Honestly, I HATE it. It makes my new reality all too real and I hate the reminder that Erik is gone. Seeing his headstone and the flowers and the footer that reads "son" breaks me heart every single time. I rarely go visit Erik because it hurts too bad. I will occasionally glance towards his marker when we're arriving at or leaving church, but even that glance breaks me heart.

My Mama visits him pretty regularly and my grandparents haven't missed a week of visiting him since he passed away in November, 2009. My grandfather was going just about every single day, but now he goes on Tuesday and Saturday. He goes at the same time every day and probably stays about an hour just talking to Erik. Knowing that he is doing this makes me feel extremely guilty. I feel guilty because I don't visit Erik as much as everyone else does. I feel guilty because I don't make it a point to put new flowers on his grave with each changing season. I feel guilty that I let my Mama take on the roll of decorating his grave for Christmas and Easter. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty because Erik isn't technically "there", but the guilt still looms over me all the time.

When we pulled up at the church, the girls were so excited to see Erik's Easter egg tree. They couldn't get out of the car fast enough. That broke my heart. They shouldn't have to visit their big brother in a cemetery. They shouldn't have to deal with that. It's not fair for either one of them. Here are some pictures...

The girls were amazed with his Easter tree :)

Sienna checking out his Easter basket.

The view from the back (just ignore Cowboy sniffing around)

Kaitlyn had to check to see if he had any prizes...

This breaks my heart every single time :(

Kisses for her Bubba

Erik's Easter tree

She had to give him kisses too....

My girls should be able to kiss their brother's cheek and aggravate him until he gave them all his Easter candy. We shouldn't be going to visit him at his grave site. This new reality that we're struggling to live in is taking it's toll on me. I'm physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. I'm desperate to just catch my breath.