Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The Ugly Truth

The ugly truth is that my baby boy is dead. He's gone and will never be in my arms in this life again. My heart hurts so, so, so very bad. I miss him with every part of my being and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't think about him. I loved him from the second I knew I was pregnant. With every kick, heartbeat and ultrasound I fell deeper and deeper in love. The love I had and still have for him is something that I've never felt before and something that I'll never feel again. He was my first born child and the absolute love of my life.

The ugly truth is that I compare every single thing that Kaitlyn & Sienna do to stuff that Erik did. The ugly truth is that they will NEVER compare to my Erik. The ugly truth is, I feel so guilty for not even giving them a chance to have the mother that Erik had.

The ugly truth is that every month around the 15th, I fall into a VERY deep depression and there is nothing I want to do more than just sit in a dark hole and cry. The ugly truth is that I have yet to fully grieve the loss of my baby. The ugly truth is I don't know how to grieve because I've held it in for so long and I'm afraid that once I start, I'll never be able to stop.

The ugly truth is - my baby boy died way to soon and I'm having a hell of a time dealing with it.

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