Thursday, April 14, 2011

17 Months... almost

I'm pretty sure I say this every month around this time, but I still can't believe that Erik is gone. It's so hard for me to believe that I've been without him for this long. It seems like it's been forever, but on the other hand time is barely creeping by.

I continue to long for his little arms around my neck and to hear his sweet accent declaring his love for me.

I should be celebrating a win in baseball with him tonight, but instead I keep closing my eyes in hopes that I can picture him on the ballfield.

I should be making plans for his spring break from school and not trying to decide what type of flowers to put on his grave.

I should be able to walk into his room and kiss him goodnight not having an internal battle with myself about going to his grave as quick as I can and digging him up just so I can hold him again.

NONE OF THIS SHIT IS FAIR. MY HEART IS SO FUCKING BROKEN THAT NOTHING IN THIS WORLD CAN EVEN ATTEMPT TO FIX IT. I MISS ERIK SO MUCH THAT THE THOUGHT OF TAKING MY LIFE COMES UP WAY TOO OFTEN. I then feel guilty for even thinking like that because the thought of my mother having to endure the pain of losing a child makes me hurt even more. I just want my son back. I want to feel whole again. I want to be able to laugh without feeling guilty. I want to be able to cry because I'm so happy, not because my world is a crumbled mess. I want to spend countless hours at the ball field watching my boy play baseball. I'd give anything to be able to help him with his homework. I'd do anything to be able to replace old pictures of Erik with new ones - ones of him with missing teeth. I'd like to not have panic attacks every single time I hear a siren or see an ambulance rushing down the road.

17 months later and the pain is even harder now than it was then. And people say that time heals all wounds....

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