Through the eyes of a 3 year old

This morning as I was driving to work, Kaitlyn's sweet little voice broke the silence. "Mama, how did Woody get to Heaven." She caught me off guard and at first, I didn't really understand the question. I asked her what she meant. She repeated her question. I explained to her that Jesus is very powerful and was able to get Woody to Heaven. She couldn't quite wrap her 3 year old mind around it. I couldn't quite wrap my 30 year old mind around it for that matter. She then asked me, "Mama, how did Bubba get to Heaven." Wow! Deep! I told her that Jesus took care of Erik after he got hurt on his 4 wheeler and that when Jesus said it was time, Bubba reached up and grabbed onto Jesus' neck and Jesus carried him into Heaven. I realized that I probably had her all confused, but I really didn't know another way to explain such a thing to a 3 year old.

I remember the morning I found Woody. Kaitlyn wanted to see Woody. I told her that she couldn't because Woody was in Heaven. Now imagine being a 3 year old - she could clearly see Woody's body laying in the garage. She had this look of pure confusion on her face, but since she didn't say anything else, neither did I.

Kaitlyn continued to ask me how different animals got into Heaven. She wanted to know if Jesus took dead "fishy's" to Heaven. I answered yes and then she wanted to know how. I just told her that Jesus was that strong and powerful that he took care of all the people and animals that had died.

What she said next almost made me stop the car, get out and scream at God. In her most serious voice, Kaitlyn tells me, "Mama, I want Jesus to come get me so I can see Erik."

My precious 3 year old daughters should NOT know what it's like to lose their brother and have to question how people and animals get to heaven. They are too innocent and should NOT have to worry about things that are so deep. Conversations like this with them make me so mad that Erik is gone. It's just not fair. It breaks my heart to see them yearn so deeply for their brother and I can't do a damn thing about it. They have no memory of Erik being here with them. All of their memories come from pictures and videos and the things we tell them about him. THAT IS NOT FAIR!!!!!

This new life that I have to live is NOT fair. I want my old life back!!!!