Updating

It's been a while since I actually updated my blog, so here's my latest attempt.

The last few weeks have been crazy. Everyone in our house has been sick. Kaitlyn has been the worst. She's had a sore throat for the last 2 months or so. We finally made an appointment with the ENT and he suggested having her tonsils and adenoids removed. The surgery was scheduled for Friday, the 18th. Surgery day got here and Kaitlyn did wonderful. The doctor said her tonsils weren't as big as he thought they were and neither were her adenoids - basically, I'm thinking the surgery was unnecessary. Great. Kaitlyn ended up getting dehydrated because she's so stubborn and wouldn't drink liquids like she was supposed to do, so we were back in the hospital on Saturday. We had to stay overnight just to be sure that she was getting the liquid intake that she needed. Needless to say, it wasn't a fun weekend for us. We got to come home on Sunday and we instantly regretted it. Kaitlyn was being a handful and wasn't doing anything we were asking of her. She fought like a dog to not take her medicine or drink anything. We eventually had to force water on her and she got better. I'm hoping that we are on the mends to having our (semi) sweet Kaitlyn back.

While we were in the hospital, we got to talking about Erik. We told our awesome nurse about him and she said that she remembered that day because the nurses on the PEDS floor were paged to come down to the ER. She remembered it being awful. Then Erik came up again while talking to the ENT that was taking care of Kaitlyn. I didn't want to get on the subject of what happened, I was just comparing him to Kaitlyn & Sienna. The doctor became curious and wanted to know what happened. Kyle and I explained it the best way that we could. Being an ENT and all, the doctor told us what he thought really happened based on what we told him. We knew from the beginning that Erik had severe chest trauma. We were told that his trachea had been severed and that was the reason air was seaping into his body instead of his lungs and the reason his lungs were filling with blood. According to the doctor, Erik would've had to have a visible slit in his throat for that to have happened. He said what it sounded like to him was the impact of Erik's crash caused a broken rib and that broken rib caused a puncture in his lung. He was still able to breathe in just fine, but when he went to breathe out, the air couldn't escape and caused his body to swell. He was in awe that Erik never cried or showed any signs of pain other than when Kyle tried to lay him down. He said that unless the EMT's knew exactly where to put a chest tube in, that there was no hope because he was basically suffocating. (that's not exactly something a mother wants to hear about) I can remember seeing Erik afterwards and seeing where the ER doctors had tried to insert a chest tube. I don't know if it was already too late or if they were inserting it on the wrong side of his body. Either way I don't guess it matters anymore. He's gone and not coming back to me.

The doctor told us how sorry that he was and said that he wished us peace. He walked out of the room and I completely lost it. Nobody has ever explained to us why what happened happened. We've been thinking this whole time that he had broken his windpipe. And without ever seeing his autopsy, he very well could have. It hurt so bad to hear about the pain my sweet boy was in but to finally have an explanation makes me feel like that chapter has closed.

I have become slightly obsessed with blogs lately. I find an interesting blog, read it all the way through and then read blogs that that person has suggested. I guess I should mention that they are ALL about Mommy's who have lost their children. The babies range from pre-natal to still born to 5 months to some that are Erik's age. Reading their pain and their fears and their daily struggles has helped me in a way I didn't know possible. I feel less guilty thinking and feeling some of the things that I feel because I now know that I'm not alone. I have joined a group that no parent ever wants to become a part of.

I would do anything to lose my membership to this group.