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| 4 years old. 4 years apart. |
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Friday, October 5, 2012
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Capture Your Grief - Day 4
Day 4 - Treasured Item
After thinking about it, I decided to go with this:
This is my quilt that is made out of Erik's favorite t-shirts. T-shirts that he wore over and over and over before he died. The outfit in the middle is the one he wore in the hospital for his first pictures. It breaks my heart that I don't have a place in my house to hang it, but for now it's safe and sound in a trunk that sits at the end of my bed that contains a lot of other stuff of Erik's that I'll never part with.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Triggers.
Spirit Week
Primary School
Western Day
Cowboy hats
Cowboy boots
Plaid shirts
Trying to tune them out
Walking faster
Quick kisses to 2 unknowing little girls
Fake Smiles
Out of breath
Almost to the car
Door slams
Tears fall
I can't catch my breath
Breathe
Breathe
Gasping for air
More tears
Breathe
Breathe
Mascara smeared
Breathe
Tears
Breathe
There have been a lot of triggers for me during the last almost 3 years. Today, a simple theme at the girls school sent me into a full blown anxiety attack. Almost 2 hours later, my heart rate had finally slowed down and I was able to catch my breath.
Today was awful.
Miserable.
Heart wrenching.
I just want this nightmare to be over.
I want my son back.
I need him.
My heart needs him.
Capture Your Grief - Day 3
Day 3 - After Loss Self Portrait
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| It's not exactly a self portrait, but it's a picture of me. My birthday - August, 2012 |
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Capture Your Grief - Day 1 & 2
I debated starting another photo challenge, but I felt I could relate to this one really well. I'm a day late, so today's post will include Day 1 and Day 2.
Day 1 - Sunrise
Day 2 - Before Loss Self Portrait
.JPG) |
| My birthday - August, 2009 |
Monday, October 1, 2012
October Birthday's and Angelversaries
Angel Birthday’s
Sheldon Olsen - 10.03.1980 - Sheldon's Story
Maddie Staats - 10.14.2010 - Maddie's Story
Noah Elliott Watson - 10.22.10
Caden Hall - 10.25.2005
Ainslee Ryan - 10.29.2010 - Ainslee's Story
Angel Lifeday's
Tiberius Nelles - 10.15.2010 - Ty's Story
Angelversaries
Peyton Elizabeth Binder - 10.02.2008 - Peyton's Story
Kael Rushworth - 10.04.08 - Kael's Story
Ewan Petermann - 10.04.2010 - Ewan's Story
Joshua - 10.06.2010 - Joshua's Story
Kathi Johnson - 10.06.2011
Makiah King - 10.08.2010 - Makiah's Story
Noah King - 10.08.2011 - Noah's Story
Julius Luciano - 10.12.10 - Julius' Story
Matthew Miller - 10.15.2007 - Matthew's Story
Andy Dye - 10.22.2003
Ellie Lauree - 10.25.2010 - Ellie's Story
Kalen Ginn - 10.27.2007
Navaeh - 10.29.2011 - Navaeh's Story
Baby Green - due date 10.31.
**If you would like to have your angel's information added, please contact me**
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Apologies and an update
I have been a terrible blogger lately. Oops! :( I have no good excuse really - other than I've been living life and I get tired of writing about the same things all the time. I bore myself with it, so I'm sure y'all are bored too.
I don't have much time, but I just wanted to give a brief update on what's been going on around here.
~ Kyle is still loving his new job. I'm happy that he's happy, but this "married - single mother thing" is hard to get use to! On the days he works, he doesn't get to see the girls because he's up and gone before 6 a.m. and usually doesn't get home til almost 9 p.m. I guess I just got spoiled to him being at home early and usually having dinner cooking or done for us to eat. Trying to figure out what to eat once I get home at 6 p.m. is such a rush with having the girls on such a strict bedtime during the week.
~ The girls are doing really well in school. They've gotten a green mark every day, which is for being on the best behavior. I'm so thankful for such well-behaved children, but I sure do wish that wonderful behavior carried over once they walked into our house. Who knew that four-year olds could be such drama queens!!! Oh.Em.Gee!!!!! If their behavior is any indication of what the teenage years will be like, I may not survive!!
~ I'm still hoping and praying for the day that I can be a SAHM again. I feel like I'm missing out on so much by not being able to pick the girls up from school. By the time I pick them up, they've been out of school for 5 hours and have more than likely forgotten about most of what they did during the time they were there. One of my favorite things when Erik was in school was being the first person he saw when his school day was over. We spent the ride home talking about his day and like I said, I'm missing that part a LOT with the girls!
~ We went to the zoo this past weekend. I thought the girls were at an age where they would love to look at each animal. Ha! Yeah right. Had Kyle and I not made them slow down, we probably could walked through the whole zoo in record time! They didn't want to stop and look at much of anything. Sienna was concentrating on getting a new stuffed animal at the end and Kaitlyn just wanted to stop at all of the vendors and get something - whether it was a drink or an icee or an ice cream. That child is just like her mama - she loves to spend some money!!!
Let's see, what else....
~ My van is acting up and it's really worrying me. It's been making some awful noises lately and as much as I know I need to take it to be looked at, the thoughts of what it will cost to be fixed scares the you know what out of me. I've never had a car this long and in the past I just rid of a car if it started to act up. I love my van though and there's not way I'm giving it up! Guess I just need to bite the bullet and have it checked out.
~ Back to talking about the girls, well mainly Kaitlyn, she has been a HAND FULL lately. She has the sassiest mouth and it's about to drive me over the edge. She argues with us about everything and I've finally gotten to the point of just flat out ignoring her, which I know isn't the right thing to do, but I'm at a loss as to what TO DO. She talks back when we tell her what's for supper. She talks back when we tell her it's bathtime. She talks back when we tell her it's bedtime. She talks back when we tell her to stop talking back. I've threatened to wash her mouth out with soap, but I've yet to do it because she'll usually straighten up. It just kills me because she is literally the sweetest child you'll ever meet, but she is a holy terror when she's been wronged. She even got sassy with my Mama the other day and that's something she has NEVER done! My mama couldn't get over it, but she finally realized why I have no patience with Kaitlyn when she gets into one of her moods.
~ Sienna is still just as laid back as always. She has her moments, but they are few and far between. She hates going to bed at night and will pitch a fit when we tell her it's bedtime, but once she's tucked in, she's usually asleep within ten minutes. Big girl school must be an exhausting thing!! Another thing about Sienna - the older she gets, the more I realize that she really is just like her big brother. She insists on wearing jeans and boots to school every day and the majority of her friends at school and daycare are boys - simply because they are the ones who like playing trucks with her.
~ Jake is still going through chemo treatment. He is cancer free, but his treatment plan is pretty much laid out for the next 3 years. He's started the phase of treatment where he'll have to be hospitalized every other week for up to 4 days and that's been pretty rough on their whole family. Kelley is the one who stays with Jake and Shanon holds the fort down at home. I know it's rough on Kelley because she's missing out on a lot with Will and Alyssa just as I know it's hard on Shanon not being right beside Jake every step of the way. But I think it's the hardest on Will. He's at the age where he needs stability and their life right now is anything but stable. I pray that he's able to understand everything that's going on and why it's going on and doesn't grow up resenting his parents or his brother. God knows that we'd all do anything for a different path for Jake-man. Thankfully though, Jake is doing really well. He has his sick days, but overall, he's the bravest little boy I know. Just please keep praying for him and the rest of the family.
~ As for me, I'm still trucking along. I dread the rest of the year from here on out, but I'm determined to make this holiday season better for my girls than last year was. We didn't even have a Christmas tree for heaven's sake!!!! I still feel guilty about that! Obviously I continue to miss my sweet boy every single second of every single day, but I'm doing better. I've had several friends tell me that Erik has come to them in their dreams and left messages for me. It makes me so happy to have this happen, but at the same time, I'm stillpatiently waiting on my own visit from my baby. I know it takes time and I'm trying to just let it happen, but damn it, I miss him so very much.
I think that's all I have for now. Hopefully I'll get back into my blogging routine and post more regularly, but right now I'm in a rough season and honestly don't have much to say.
I don't have much time, but I just wanted to give a brief update on what's been going on around here.
~ Kyle is still loving his new job. I'm happy that he's happy, but this "married - single mother thing" is hard to get use to! On the days he works, he doesn't get to see the girls because he's up and gone before 6 a.m. and usually doesn't get home til almost 9 p.m. I guess I just got spoiled to him being at home early and usually having dinner cooking or done for us to eat. Trying to figure out what to eat once I get home at 6 p.m. is such a rush with having the girls on such a strict bedtime during the week.
~ The girls are doing really well in school. They've gotten a green mark every day, which is for being on the best behavior. I'm so thankful for such well-behaved children, but I sure do wish that wonderful behavior carried over once they walked into our house. Who knew that four-year olds could be such drama queens!!! Oh.Em.Gee!!!!! If their behavior is any indication of what the teenage years will be like, I may not survive!!
~ I'm still hoping and praying for the day that I can be a SAHM again. I feel like I'm missing out on so much by not being able to pick the girls up from school. By the time I pick them up, they've been out of school for 5 hours and have more than likely forgotten about most of what they did during the time they were there. One of my favorite things when Erik was in school was being the first person he saw when his school day was over. We spent the ride home talking about his day and like I said, I'm missing that part a LOT with the girls!
~ We went to the zoo this past weekend. I thought the girls were at an age where they would love to look at each animal. Ha! Yeah right. Had Kyle and I not made them slow down, we probably could walked through the whole zoo in record time! They didn't want to stop and look at much of anything. Sienna was concentrating on getting a new stuffed animal at the end and Kaitlyn just wanted to stop at all of the vendors and get something - whether it was a drink or an icee or an ice cream. That child is just like her mama - she loves to spend some money!!!
Let's see, what else....
~ My van is acting up and it's really worrying me. It's been making some awful noises lately and as much as I know I need to take it to be looked at, the thoughts of what it will cost to be fixed scares the you know what out of me. I've never had a car this long and in the past I just rid of a car if it started to act up. I love my van though and there's not way I'm giving it up! Guess I just need to bite the bullet and have it checked out.
~ Back to talking about the girls, well mainly Kaitlyn, she has been a HAND FULL lately. She has the sassiest mouth and it's about to drive me over the edge. She argues with us about everything and I've finally gotten to the point of just flat out ignoring her, which I know isn't the right thing to do, but I'm at a loss as to what TO DO. She talks back when we tell her what's for supper. She talks back when we tell her it's bathtime. She talks back when we tell her it's bedtime. She talks back when we tell her to stop talking back. I've threatened to wash her mouth out with soap, but I've yet to do it because she'll usually straighten up. It just kills me because she is literally the sweetest child you'll ever meet, but she is a holy terror when she's been wronged. She even got sassy with my Mama the other day and that's something she has NEVER done! My mama couldn't get over it, but she finally realized why I have no patience with Kaitlyn when she gets into one of her moods.
~ Sienna is still just as laid back as always. She has her moments, but they are few and far between. She hates going to bed at night and will pitch a fit when we tell her it's bedtime, but once she's tucked in, she's usually asleep within ten minutes. Big girl school must be an exhausting thing!! Another thing about Sienna - the older she gets, the more I realize that she really is just like her big brother. She insists on wearing jeans and boots to school every day and the majority of her friends at school and daycare are boys - simply because they are the ones who like playing trucks with her.
~ Jake is still going through chemo treatment. He is cancer free, but his treatment plan is pretty much laid out for the next 3 years. He's started the phase of treatment where he'll have to be hospitalized every other week for up to 4 days and that's been pretty rough on their whole family. Kelley is the one who stays with Jake and Shanon holds the fort down at home. I know it's rough on Kelley because she's missing out on a lot with Will and Alyssa just as I know it's hard on Shanon not being right beside Jake every step of the way. But I think it's the hardest on Will. He's at the age where he needs stability and their life right now is anything but stable. I pray that he's able to understand everything that's going on and why it's going on and doesn't grow up resenting his parents or his brother. God knows that we'd all do anything for a different path for Jake-man. Thankfully though, Jake is doing really well. He has his sick days, but overall, he's the bravest little boy I know. Just please keep praying for him and the rest of the family.
~ As for me, I'm still trucking along. I dread the rest of the year from here on out, but I'm determined to make this holiday season better for my girls than last year was. We didn't even have a Christmas tree for heaven's sake!!!! I still feel guilty about that! Obviously I continue to miss my sweet boy every single second of every single day, but I'm doing better. I've had several friends tell me that Erik has come to them in their dreams and left messages for me. It makes me so happy to have this happen, but at the same time, I'm still
I think that's all I have for now. Hopefully I'll get back into my blogging routine and post more regularly, but right now I'm in a rough season and honestly don't have much to say.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
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