A Rainbow for Every Storm

That is the title on the post card I got in the mail on Wednesday.  It's actually an invite for a ceremony for the families of donors.

My heart sank and I felt like throwing up.  I've never received an invite until this year and according to the invite, this ceremony is an annual thing.  I wondered for a minute why I had never received another invite, but then my mind went right back to why I was receiving the invite in the first place.  My son is dead.

I showed the card to Kyle and he just kind of shrugged it off.  He didn't give me an answer either way about going.  Part of me would like to go, but the other part of me doesn't know if I'm at a point where I could handle going.

The ceremony is 2 days after Erik's 28th month angelversary.  I hate that I ALWAYS have to check dates on stuff now.  The first is always so bitter sweet because my son isn't another month older, but my girls are.  The 15th, well, I wish that day would just fall off the calendar all together.

I'm not even sure why I'm blogging about this, but I felt I needed to.  Just pray for me.

Wordless Wednesday

4 years ago....

My Grandpa

Let me start off by saying that the black cloud hovering over our family can disappear any day now.  We've had enough sadness and let downs the last 2 years and I'm ready to be back to "normal".

Anyway, on Saturday, my grandfather fell down the steps and got hurt.  He thought that he was ok, but turns out, he has a broken ankle.  He went to the ER on Sunday and it was confirmed today at the orthopaedic doctor.  He isn't able to put weight on his foot for 6 weeks.  He was a pitiful sight when we went over there Sunday night to help him get from the car into the house.  My uncle and Kyle basically carried him from the car to the door and he was worried the whole time about hurting them.  He tried to walk from the back door to his recliner with a walker and with crutches, but his body is so weak from him laying around all the time that he couldn't hold himself up with his arms to walk on one foot.

After a good talking to from several people in the family, my Pop has decided to be admitted into the Rehab hospital in Greenwood for at least 2 weeks.  It's just too much for my grandmother - who is still recovering from a broken arm - and my mother to try and take care of him.  Neither of them are able to hold him up to help him walk and I feared that all 3 of them would end up with some kind of injury had he not made the decision to go to rehab.

I feel for the doctors, nurses and therapists at the rehab hospital.  My grandpa isn't the most pleasant patient and I'm sure he's going to put them through hell, but he knows that this is what he needs to get better.

Please keep him and the rest of my family in your thoughts and prayers.  I haven't talked to my grandpa today, but knowing him like I do, I know that he is probably not happy about going to rehab.  Aside from being away from his own house for 2 weeks, I know he is definitely torn up about not being able to make his bi-weekly visits to Erik's grave.  He started out visiting Erik every.single.day, but when that got to be too much, he started going twice a week - on Tuesdays and Saturdays - and as far as I know, he's been every single Tuesday and Saturday since Erik died.

I'm pretty bummed that I'm not at the Eric Church/Brantley Gilbert concert right about now :(  I waited to late to buy tickets and I refused to sit in nose bleeds.  I did attempt to win some, but I had no luck.  Oh well, there's always next time.

However, I am pretty excited to finally be going to get my tattoo tomorrow night.  I don't really remember if I blogged about this or not, but some wonderful people got together and went in and bought Kyle and I two $100 gift certificates for tattoos.  We were shocked, but oh so grateful!

Kyle will be getting a replica of the charm on my necklace somewhere - he's saying ribcage, but we'll see.  Here's a pic of my necklace....

And here's the drawing.  Kyle isn't sure about the font though.

And I'll be getting this....

I'm planning to tweak it a little, so it won't look exactly like this

We've got a baby sitter so we'll be going to dinner to celebrate Valentine's Day and then getting tatted up.  It still amazes me how nervous I get when I hear the tattoo gun buzzing!  You'd think after 7 tattoos I'd be use to it, but it still gets me every time!  Either way, I can't wait to show off my new ink!

I've put together another scrapbooking/craft thingy at my church on Saturday, so I'll be a crafting queen all day and then it's off to the movies to see this hunk of a man in The Vow.  Can.Not.Wait.!!!!!

Wowza!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope that y'all have a good weekend.  Oh and if you would, keep some special people in your prayers - my sister's Mama (we have different one) will have said goodbye to the love of her life a year ago on Sunday.  He passed away after battling SMA and I know she misses him every single second of every single day.  He was a wonderful man.  Also remember James and Kellie Staats (Maddie's Blog) will be remembering Maddie on the one year angelversary of her passing from SIDS.  I hope that God wraps all of them tightly and that they have peace on this very hard day.

Wordless Wednesday

Happy Valentine's Day - homemade style

Happy Valentine's Day y'all.  While I fully agree that today has become way over-rated and commercialized, it's still nice to have one day set aside especially for love.  Kyle and I show love all year round, but we do try to make this day a little more special for ourselves, as well as the girls.

Since I've gotten back into scrapbooking and creating things, I decided that I would make most of Kyle's gift this year.  I had the girls decorate a card for him too.  There aren't anything out of this world, but they are from the heart and those mean more than anything you can buy in a store.

I got my first idea off of pinterest.  The concept was to use a deck of 52 cards, decorate them and put a reason for love on each card - hence 52 reasons why I love you.  I decided to put my own spin on that idea and use Valentine's scrapbook paper and stickers.

Here's what I came up with...

I used 2 sheets of scrapbook paper cut into equal squares.

Some reasons were simple....

To the ones that made me fall deeper in love with him...

to the one that changed our lives forever.

I had an idea in my head for his card, but I didn't have what I needed, so I made do with what I had.

the outside

the inside

His gift that couldn't be made :)

the outside of Kaitlyn's card

the inside of Kaitlyn's card - she was so proud to have written the "k" without my help

the outside of Sienna's card

the inside of Sienna's card - she wrote the "s" and "i" all by herself!

I know that Kyle will love it all.  He'll probably be shocked at the trouble I went through to make the little "booklet" expressing my love for him.  I'm not the mushy, lovey type, so this is definitely a change for me!

I hope that each of you have had a wonderful day.  For those of you walking this grief journey with me, I hope that your day was easy and peaceful.  A day celebrating love will never be the same for us mama's who are missing part of our hearts.

Erik's Rodeo

I've been wanting to create a "fan"page on Facebook for Erik, but I haven't been able to come up with an original name until recently.

Please go "like" his page and help me keep his beautiful memory alive!

Click HERE to go to Erik's Rodeo on Facebook

Wordless Wednesday

Erik's Rodeo

As I mentioned in Erik’s Story, Erik loved the rodeo and had dreams of becoming a professional bull rider. For the last year or so, I’ve been wanting to do something to keep Erik’s memory alive. I wracked my brain trying to come up with an idea of honoring my son and making sure nobody forgot him. I knew I needed a name for his cause and I knew it had to be something different. Finally around the first of 2012, it hit me like a brick. It wasn’t until recently that I really got the ball rolling on Erik’s Rodeo. I’m in the process of having shirts, car decals and bracelets made in hopes that the proceeds will fund all the ideas that have been coming to me.

The first thing I’d like to be able to do is provide comfort to other grieving families by presenting them with personal memory boxes. When Erik died, I was handed a very impersonal blue box that contained a handprint mold that wasn’t big enough for Erik’s hand, a generic baggie for (very little) of his hair to be put in, some brochures and pamphlets about child loss and a business card for a grief support group. I managed to personalize Erik’s box and make it more special, but 2+ years later, I still think about how generic that box is. Children die every single day. I understand that. Hospitals see death on a regular basis. I know that they can’t possibly provide the kind of attention that I think should be given, but I do think they should make each loss of a child unique and special to the family experiencing the loss. Walking into a supply closet and picking a blue or pink box just is NOT enough. Losing a child is the greatest loss imaginable. Being the mother, I walked out of the hospital with a part of my life gone. That generic box could’ve been so much more and that’s what I want to provide through Erik’s Rodeo.

The second thing I’d like to provide is money and/or school supplies to teachers at Erik’s school. Erik loved school the short time he was there and his teachers really made an impact on him and on me. Public schools are really struggling these days and I hear way too often of how teachers are forking out their own money to have what they need in their classrooms. We all know that teachers are highly underpaid and it is just not acceptable to me that they also don’t have the supplies they need to do their job. I’d like to do a “School Supply Rodeo” at the beginning of each school year. More details will definitely be on the way!

And lastly, I have the strong desire to set up a college scholarship for a student that is in Erik’s graduating class. I will never see Erik accept his high school diploma, but it would mean the world to me to be able to present a deserving student with money for a college education. I know that this will take a lot of money and a lot of planning. I’m determined though and I have until 2022 to make this dream a reality.

Now, my question for you is: How are you going to help me keep Erik’s memory alive? Would you like to order a shirt? A car decal? A bracelet? Or if you are so inclined, I have set up a “Donate” button on my home page. The money goes straight into a paypal account I have set up for Erik’s Rodeo. If you are unable to donate at this time, please share my blog and Erik’s Rodeo with everyone you know – his life was too precious to be forgotten about.

Beautiful.

Although Erik was 5 years, 2 months and 15 days old, I can relate to THIS POST from Franchesca very well.

2 years.

12 years.

20 years.

I will NEVER be over losing the love of my life, my first born child, my only son.

Unless you've experienced a loss of this magnitude, do NOT compare it to my situation.  You think you may know how I feel.  You think you're helping by giving "helpful" advice.  You think you know.

You have no fucking idea.  There isn't even a way to briefly imagine what I'm going through - your imagination can't even go there.

You wanna help me?  Talk about my son.  Remember him.  Honor him.  And NEVER forget what an amazing, beautiful and courageous little boy that he was.