Day 10

Today, I am thankful for my wonderful friends and sisters.

Jennifer, April, Kelley, Janice, Shannon, Chrissy, Heather, Lindsay, Angie, Jessica, Tara, Rachel - I love each and every one of y'all and I am so blessed to have each of you in my life. Thank you for being there for me during my darkest hour and helping me get through it!

Teela, Sienna, Lisa, Amy, Kelly, Bekie, Kate, Karen, Lindsey, LeAnne, Kristin, Terin, Melissa - you girls are awesome!!!! I have made wonderful friendships with each of you through MySpace and Facebook and I am so grateful that I have gotten to know you girls and so thankful that y'all have also been there for me during my darkest hours. I never knew that girls I've never met face to face could be so wonderful to me and my girls. I love each of y'all too.

Thank you!

I wonder...

With Erik's angelversary quickly approaching, I've been thinking about all the what if's, what could've been's and all that stuff that I shouldn't dwell on. Well, I have been dwelling on it and I can't stop wondering where we would be today if Erik were still alive.

I wonder if he'd know how to tie his shoes by now...

I wonder how many teeth he would've lost...

I wonder how well he'd be able to read...

I wonder what kind of awards he would be getting at school...

I wonder how much better he would be at playing ball...

I wonder if he'd still be wearing boots every day of the week...

I wonder if I'd still be in school had he not died...

I wonder would Kyle and I have ever gotten back together had Erik not died...

I wonder who his new friends would be...

I wonder what he would be wanting for Christmas this year...

I wonder if he'd still like watching Diego...

I wonder if he'd still be a Clemson fan considering the AWFUL year that they're having...

I wonder what his voice would sound like...

I wonder if pork chops, mac & cheese and corn would still be his favorite meal...

I wonder if he would like where we're living now...

I wonder if we'd even be living there had Erik not died...

I wonder what size clothes and shoes he'd be in now...

I wonder if he would still wanna be a bull rider...

I wonder if any of those trees in my mom's front yard would still be standing...

I wonder what kind of trouble that Erik, Jake and Chase would be getting in to...

I wonder if his eyes still shine as bright as they did the last time I seen them...

I wonder if we'd still fight every morning over what he was or wasn't going to wear to school...

There are plenty more things that I think about. I kind of have to considering all my nephews are around Erik's age and some of my best friends have boys that went to school with Erik. I watch them when they're around and can't help but wonder what Erik would be like.

I know that I'll never know the answer to my wondering thoughts, but one thing is for sure - not a single day goes by that I don't think about Erik, shed a tear for him and beg that all of this is just a big nightmare.

Day 9

Today I am thankful for Facebook. Yeah, it's cheesy, but it's allowed me to make a ton of new friends and people that are genuinely concerned about me and my life.

The friends I've made on Facebook have helped me get through the hardest year of my life just by lending a cyber ear and by letting me know that I'm in their thoughts and prayers.

So, thank you Facebook and all the great friends that I've made because of you!

The Past

I hate living in the past. I hate it with a passion.

Then my son died....

The past is all I have with him. There is no present. There is no future. I can't simply forget about the past because that would mean leaving him behind. I NEVER want to forget about him. I am constantly looking at his pictures and remembering when and where they were taken. I love watching videos of him so that I can hear his country twang.

He had the cutest "accent" I've ever heard. I can remember one time when he was making Kyle a card for something - father's day or his bday - and he came in the living room where I was and asked me how to spell "Daddy". Well, at the time, he was learning how to sound words out and spell them, so I told him to sound it out and spell it the way it sounded. Leave it to my little country boy to sound "Daddy" out and come up with "D-E-D-D-Y". He did exactly what I asked him to do and because he was so country, he spelled it exactly the way he said it. That boy could always make me smile!

Me and the girls were watching videos of Erik last night and they just giggled and giggled and kept asking to watch another video. They love talking about their brother and they love me telling them stories about him. As they are getting older, I can see Erik in them more and more each day. Sienna has his little fishy kissy lips. She also has his shy personality. She always blooms into a real clown once she gets to know you. She is passive like he was and is never one to argue about anything. That's why all the cousins love playing with her and I guess that's why Kaitlyn has been taking advantage of her and being mean to her lately :( Kaitlyn has his loving personality (when she's not ganging up on Sienna bug). She loves to cuddle and give kisses. She has his imagination and his independent side. I think both of them have his temper!!! Sienna doesn't act out much, but when she does, you better watch out!! Kaitlyn on the other hand is a fireball ALL the time! That's exactly the way Erik was. Me and him clashed a lot, but for the most part, he was a great kid!

A week from today will be one year since I last seen my baby boy alive. This has been the roughest year of my life. I've suffered more in this last year than any mother should ever have to suffer. I've held my emotions in because "outsiders" don't know how to handle a grieving mother. "Outsiders" won't even talk about my boy. "Outsiders" like to pretend that nothing ever happened. Well, something did happen. I lost my first born child. I lost my sweet boy who was only 5 years, 2 months and 15 days old. I lost part of my heart. I lost part of my soul. And for those "outsiders", I am going to continue talking about my boy. If that makes you uncomfortable, tough. Do you think it's comfortable for me when I have to tell someone that yeah, I have 3 kids, but one of them lives in heaven now. TRY THAT ON FOR COMFORT!!!!!!!

I am fed up with hiding my hurt. I am HURTING!!!! My heart is broken and there isn't a damn thing in this world that can make it better.

As far as my past, present and future - I plan to continue moving forward, but most of me was lost in the past.

Day 8

Today I am thankful for heated seats!!! Nothing like a warm tush on a freezing cold morning :)

Day 7

Today I am thankful that I have a wonderful church family.

Day 5 AND 6... oops

I'm having to combine 2 days into 1 - kinda hard to get online when you've got 2 sick babies who are demanding my attention.

Anyway...

Yesterday (Day 5) I was thankful for 3 day weekends.

Today, I am thankful for quiet time!

Day 4

Today, I am thankful that I have such a wonderful daycare provider for my girls. If I could've hand picked anybody, I am quite sure I would've chosen her. She is wonderful to my girls and would do anything for them. Her husband is quite crazy about them too.

Thank you Mrs. Deborah for loving my girls like a second mother!

Day 3

Today, I am thankful for my husband.

We have had our share of ups and downs, but after the past year, we've become closer than we've ever been. And I'm grateful that our marriage is where it's at today.

Day 2

I got this idea from several friends on Facebook - I'm going to post every day in the month of November something that I'm thankful for. And since I missed yesterday, I'll do 2 things today!

Today, I am thankful that I have (1) Kaitlyn and (2) Sienna as my daughters. Even through all the rough nights and mornings, I love every single second with them. They are my shining stars during some of my darkest storms. They are the reason I get out of bed every single day. They are what keeps me going when I feel like I have no more "go" left. They are my constant reminder of the Erik. They each act like him in some sort of way and I love that they do.

What are you thankful for today?